“Vivian?” I called to her, attempting to open the door. It was locked. “What’s going on?”
“Don’t come in,” she snapped.
“I thought I heard you—”
“I said don’t come in! Just leave me alone.”
She sounded so distressingly small and upset that it made my stomach clench. “Do you need anything?”
“Go away, Jesse.”
“You know I can’t do that, Vivian. I need to make sure you’re alright.”
“I’m fine.”
“You don’tsoundfine.” I rattled the doorknob again. “Open the door, Vivian. I’m not playing around. I need visual confirmation that you’re—”
The door swung open so fast that the surrounding air rushed past me. Vivian stood before me, looking everywhere except in my eyes. Probably to hide the fact that she’d been crying even though it was written all over her face. The puffiness of her cheeks and the redness of her nose, the small beads of moisture caught in her eyelashes.
“There,” she snapped. “Happy?”
I tried to reach out, but she took a step back. “What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Doesn’t look like nothing.”
“What do you care? You’ve been ignoring me for weeks.”
A pang of guilt bloomed in my chest. “I haven’t been ignoring you.”
“Bullshit.”
“I haven’t,” I insisted. “You’re all I can fucking think about.”
“Then why…” She shook her head. “I don’t understand. You’ve been avoiding me. Don’t you dare deny it.”
“I have been.”
“Why?”
“Because you scare me. In more ways than one.”
Vivian’s nose curled. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“I’m scared of losing you,” I blurted out. “I’m scared of something happening to you. I’m scared of what I feel for you—”
“What you feel for me?” she echoed, so soft and confused and hopeful that it was suddenly hard for me to breathe. “What do you feel for me, Jesse?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “A lot of things. And what scares me is that I don’t know where this is going or if it’s going to go anywhere at all. I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep. And I’m scared you don’t feel the same way. I’m scared this isn’t going to work. I’m scared of hurting you. That’s why I’m keeping my distance. Because being with you… it’s too good to be true. And good things don’t happen to me, alright? The last time I allowed myself to feel what I feel…”
Vivian stroked my cheek, cool fingers grazing my chin. “I understand,” she said. “I’m scared, too. But please, don’t shut me out. That’s all I ask. I’ve missed you so much. There’s so much going on right now, and the only time I feel even remotely okay is when I’m with you. So please…” Vivian pressed against me, not an inch of space between us.
I caved like a house of cards.
I kissed her like it was the only thing I knew how to do. Her fingers combed through my hair as I circled her waist with my arms, pulling her against me. The sound of her soft moan was enough to make my heart seize. I didn’t want anything but this. I wanted to be selfish, even for just a little bit. Nothing else in the world mattered except the taste of her lips and the warmth of her skin.
There would be time to talk later.