“He loves his son. He really does. It’s not an act. He tries with him even though it is painful sometimes.”
Holly pulled a face; she didn’t want to agree with me.
“Go on,” she said.
When I told her what had happened the night before, I could barely look her in the eye. I felt ashamed of what had happened and how I had behaved.
“No way!”
She stared at me. I was unable to go on talking, the words suddenly failed me.
“So, what now?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I called the agency to fill my place. I have switched off my phone.”
“Why?”
“He was calling me… I didn’t know what to say.”
I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I didn’t want to cry but I was with Holly, whom I trusted. I buried my head in my hands to hide the sobs that were suddenly shaking my body. She came round to my side of the counter and hugged me.
“It’s okay,” she said, giving me a quick squeeze. “Get it out, and then wipe your cheeks. Sit up, yes, straight.”
She handed me a napkin and told me to wipe my face and nose.
“You’re not going to let him do this to you. Not again.”
I shook my head.
“That’s why I left.”
Holly nodded.
“I don’t want to go through all that again,” I admitted.
Holly didn’t even know everything about that time in my life. I had told her that I had gone through a dark patch, but I never went into the details. I hadn’t told anyone about how I had stopped going to class, holing myself up in my dorm room, pretending to be sick. I never told anyone how I’d waited for the weekend when everyone was gone to swallow a handful of pills I’d bought over the counter. I wasn’t consciously trying to end my life, but I’d wanted the pain to stop. I wanted the bad feelings to go away, to stop my mind from endlessly replaying our conversation and his cruel words.
I had been so in love with him, so convinced that underneath the impatience and the determination to succeed, Sam was a good person. I had always made excuses for him when he was rude to my friends or left me in the lurch when he was supposed to pick me up and happened to be late, or even forgot we were going out. His own life and his studies were always more important than anything related to me. I accepted it somehow. I had always known he would be successful, that he was destined for greater things. At first, I was just grateful to be a part of his life, but later I started thinking that I could be a part of it. I thought I would be by his side, helping him. It never occurred to me that I could hold him back or be a liability.
When I thought I was pregnant, I was deluded enough to think he might be happy. I remember that feeling quite clearly. How stupid I had been! That was what he had called me back then too. Stupid. For thinking a man like him would ever want to be with someone like me.
Someone took me to hospital after finding me, unconscious in the bathroom. I spent a few days in hospital, then went home to my parents. I saw a counselor, started therapy, and managed to return to college in time for the exams. I passed, barely, but I passed. In the years afterwards, I carefully put myself together again.
“I thought I was over him,” I said quietly.
“But he kissed you first?” Holly asked.
“I think so. But I kissed him back.”
“So, you’re not over him,” Holly asked.
I shook my head.
“Well, he’s not over you either!” Holly grinned.
“That’s probably why he’s been so mean to you!”
I felt exhausted, completely wrung out. I didn’t want to talk about this anymore.