"Goddammit!" He lets go of me and storms away from the bed to the bathroom. He emerges from it a few moments later and he's dressed once more. He goes into the living area and I hear something crashing and glance out the open door. He's kicked over a table by the seating area on his way past, and now throws a lamp against the wall, the glass shattering into hundreds of pieces.
He comes back to me and grabs me once more, this time around the neck.
"I am a monster and you better be afraid of me because I will kill you if you ever betray me. Without a thought."
With that, he leaves.
Vasily goes downstairs, leaving me alone. I'm still lying on the bed, the apartment dark except for the lights over the office and kitchen. I cry, lying curled up on my side, the image of Julien's rage-filled face playing back in my mind, the anger as he kicked over the table, threw the lamp making my heart race, his hand at my throat, the threat – he's dangerous. He would kill me – I'm certain of it.
I replay the scene of Ed being shot over and over and it fills me with despair. There's nowhere for me to go, and I begin to feel panic rising inside. I've been living in a dream world, my reason and logic blinded by this ridiculous lust both he and Michel have been creating in me with their little games. I dig my fingers into my palm, hoping that the pain will help erase the fear, but it does nothing. I feel as if I'm going to hyperventilate and so I leave the bed, going to the kitchen, searching through the drawers for something to dull the pain.
A small knife with a sharp edge will have to do, for the rest are either too large or serrated. I go into the bathroom and sit on the floor with my back against the vanity, the knife in my hand, breathing fast as panic threatens to overtake me. After I roll up my sleeve, I examine the lines I've carved into my skin over the past few months. The cuts have scabbed over. I start working on the skin using the sharp tip of the blade. It's a bit dull, and so I have to press hard. Soon, the outline of a J takes shape, blood welling up in the thin seam. J for Julien.
Finally calm, I put the knife down on the counter and look in the mirror – at my red eyes, streaked makeup, the bloody self-imposed brand on my arm. What a screwed up freak. A stupid woman living in a fantasy world, just like Julien said. Michel's not coming back and Julien is a poor substitute – a monster and now that I’ve read some of the missing manuscript pages, I’m not too sure about Michel either. I'm nothing more than some pawn in a war between vampires.
All I want to do is run away, to go somewhere where he can't find me, where I can forget I ever knew him or Michel or anything about vampires. I open the large windowpane in the bedroom and look down – five stories would kill me and there isn't any way to climb down. I can't get by Vasily – the door is alarmed, and I don't know the code.
There's nowhere to run.
I crawl underneath the bed itself, as I used to do when I was a girl after I was put into foster care and lived through very dark times, crowding up against the wall at the top, my face resting on my arm.
Julien returns later that night. I fell asleep under the bed, and wake at the sound of his voice. My body tenses as I watch from under the bed skirt. He walks into the apartment, his boots and jeans the only visible part of his body from my position, and goes to speak with Vasily. Then he wanders over to the bed, standing beside it for a moment. Next, he goes to the bathroom and I lose sight of him, my breath held, my heart pounding.
"JesusChrist."
He returns from the bathroom and then goes to the seating area, checks the kitchen and yells at Vasily, kicking over a barstool.
"Goddammit – where's Eve?"
"Isn't she in bed?"
"No, she's gone. What have you been doing all night? How did she get out?"
Vasily comes out of the office and the two search the apartment.
"She got a goddamned knife. Jesus Christ Vasily, what thefuckwere you doing? Playing with your dick?"
"I want to leave her to herself – she was very upset. She can't have escaped – is no way possible."
"She'sgone, Vasily. Did she watch you enter the security code? Did she climb out the window? She can't have jumped – it would kill her."
The two go back into the office and I can hear Julien give directions to replay videotapes monitoring the interior and the door and watching the building itself.
"She can't have escaped. She has to be here."
Julien stands in the middle of the room while Vasily makes another circuit. I hear him inhale deeply as if he’s trying to smell for me. Tears fill my eyes – hiding under the bed is stupid but I just wanted to escape. I wanted to disappear.
"Oh, JesusChrist," Julien says, his voice hushed.
Vasily stops. "What is it?"
But Julien doesn't respond. After a moment, he comes over to the bed and stands still, saying nothing. I cover my mouth, trying to keep from making a noise. I hear him sigh, and then he pushes the bedside table out of the way and sits down on the floor beside the bed, his back to the wall. I can see his shoes on the floor a few feet away from my face.
"Eve," he says, his voice soft, a note of regret in it. "I'm sorry."
I press my hand over my mouth even more firmly.
After a moment of silence, he starts to speak, his voice low.