I stood there listening to him, my mouth hanging open. Was he actually saying all of this to me, or was I going to wake up and realize I’d been dreaming? I felt tears well in my eyes, and I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. “Why could you never be with me?” I asked. “Is it because you think Brody would be mad? He wouldn’t mind if we were together,” I rushed out, not caring that I soundeddesperate.
He reached down and took my hands in his, his thumbs brushing over the backs of my hands. “No Savannah, that wasn’t the reason. Sure, Brody warned all his friends away from you when we were young, me included, but that isn’t why we couldn’t be together.” I nodded, suddenly realizing that it didn’t matter what the reason was back then; there was a new reasonnow.
I pulled my hands out of his and took a step back. “Whatever the reason was, you don’t want to be with me now because I’m pregnant,” I whispered, taking a step back fromhim.
He quickly closed the distance between us and reached for my hands again. “Savannah, don’t.” He gripped my hands, gently squeezing them. “When you told me you were pregnant, I wanted to find the bastard and kill him, tear him limb from limb for touching you.” He trailed off and dropped his eyes to the floor. “I’d never seen you with a boyfriend, never seen you even date anyone. Ithought…”
“You thought I was a virgin,” I said, and he nodded, his eyes still on the ground. “I was before I started hanging around with the girls from school,” Iwhispered.
His head snapped up and his eyes flashed with pain as he shook his head. “I hate that I pushed you into this. You only stopped coming out with us because of me. If I hadn’t paraded all those girls in front of you, this wouldn’t be happening.” I reached my hands up and placed one on either side of his face, forcing him to look atme.
“Josh, I’m a big girl. I’m responsible for my own actions. Me being pregnant is not your fault,” I told him, desperately trying to make him believeme.
“You can tell yourself that as much as you want, but if I hadn’t hurt you, you wouldn’t have started hanging around with those girls and you wouldn’t be pregnantnow.”
“I don’t regret having this baby Josh. Do I wish the situation was different? Of course I do.” I dropped my hands from his face and smiled sadly. “But I don’t blame you. What I did was my decision, just like it’s my decision to keep this baby.” I placed my hand protectively over my growing stomach. “I understand why we can’t be together,” I told him sadly, turning my back on him in an attempt to gain control of the tears that were threatening to spill down mycheeks.
“Hey,” he said, stepping close to me, his body pressing against my back. His hands wound around my waist and came to rest on my stomach. “This baby is a part of you, and I want all of you,” he whispered in myear.
I sagged against him, my heart pounding at his words. “Why now, Josh? What’s changed?” I asked, not believing what he was tellingme.
He sighed deeply. “Finding out you were pregnant made me realize if I didn’t step up and make my play for you, someone else would. I could have lost you to some guy you met in a bar. What if you’d hit it off with the baby’s dad? You’d be together now and I’d be forced to watch someone else loveyou.”
He paused and I could feel him breathing rapidly. I held my breath, waiting to see what he would saynext.
“Savannah, I’m a selfish bastard, and I’ve tried to stay away, but staying away from you, it’s like…like trying to defy gravity. It’s impossible.” He turned me in his arms and reached his hand around the back of my neck, gently pulling me into him. My hands connected with his hard chest, and I could feel his heart racing under my fingertips; I could barely believe I was the reason for it. Looking up at him, I saw his eyes were focused on my lips, and I unconsciously licked them. His other hand snaked around my waist, and our eyes briefly met before he lowered his head and gently brushed his lips against mine. The kiss started off soft but soon turned into something more urgent, and I traced my hands up his chest and over his shoulders, digging my fingers into his hair. I felt his tongue trace against my bottom lip, and I opened my mouth to him, his tongue dueling with mine. I heard him moan before he peppered kisses down my neck and around my ear, his lips finding mine again in a tenderkiss.
Resting my head against his chest, I struggled to catch my breath. I’d waited years for him to kiss me and now that he had, I knew kissing anyone else would pale in comparison. Butterflies were rioting in my stomach as I waited for him to say something. His breathing was fast, and I waited until he’d calmed down, feeling him kiss me lightly on my hair before I raised my head to look at him, terrified that he was going to tell me it had been a mistake to kissme.
“Why did I wait so long to do that?” he said as if asking himself, but his eyes never left mine. “I’ve wanted to do that since I was16.”
“Why didn’t you then?” I asked him, my eyes fixed onhis.
“I couldn’t give you what you wanted,” he replied, reaching up and tucking a stray piece of hair behind myear.
“Do you still think that now?” I asked him quietly, and I watched as henodded.
“Yes baby, and I know I’m being selfish, but I can’t stay awayanymore.”
“All I need is you. Whatever it is you say you can’t give me, it doesn’t matter if I haveyou.”
“You say that now, but in the future…” He trailed off as he glanced down at mystomach.
“You’re all I’ll ever want Josh. We have to live for now—watching Libby lose Mia taught me that.” My hand reached for his face as I lifted hischin.
His eyes met mine before he closed them and sighed. “I’m scared Sav,” he whispered. “I want you, I can’t deny that anymore, but the last thing I want is for you to resent being withme.”
“Tell me what’s going on Josh—you’re scaring me,” I said, the nerves building in my stomach. He nodded then led me out of the kitchen and into the sitting room. He gestured for me to sit down and when I did, he sat next to me. I turned and waited for him to say something. A minute or so passed in silence, and when I couldn’t stand it anymore, I reached for his hands, holding them in mine. “Josh, whatever you tell me, it won’t change how I feel about you—unless you murdered someone,” I said with a small smile, attempting to break the tension that hung in the air. He let out a small chuckle before squeezing myhands.
“I didn’t murder anyone, I promise.” He paused, taking in a deep breath. His eyes were fixed on our joined hands as his thumb traced patterns on my palm. “When I was two years old, I had leukemia.” I sucked my breath in sharply, more tears forming in my eyes. “Apparently, it was touch and go for a while, but in the end I was lucky and the treatment they gave me at the hospital worked.” The tears overflowed, running down my cheeks as I thought of this strong, beautiful man enduring something so awful as a child. I wasn’t going to pretend I knew a lot about leukemia, because I didn’t, but I knew enough to know it was serious and not everyone survived. “Hey, don’t cry baby. I’m fine now,” he said, looking up from our joined hands and seeing the tears falling. He let go of one of my hands and wiped my tears away, and I nodded as I attempted to pull myselftogether.
“I’m so sorry Josh. I can’t even begin to imagine what you and your parents wentthrough.”
“I don’t remember much of it, just what my parents told me as I grew up, but I know how tough it was on them, and how lucky Iwas.”
“Does Brody know?” I askedhim.
He shook his head. “No, it’s not something I like to talk about, to be honest. It was a long time ago and I don’t need people feeling sorry for me. It’s not a secret, I just don’t talk aboutit.”