And even then. I don’t intend to be done with her. If she lets me in her life and allows me to, then I will set her up for life. I want her to be able to get through as much as she can with ease, without having to worry about the things I can help her with, such as paying her bills. Not that I intend to lead with that information so she thinks I just want to fix the past with money.
That’s the least of my intentions.
“Keep me up to date, will you?” June asks, a little softer now. “With everything that happens with Olivia. Because I am very worried about her. The way I have seen her recently has been so troubling. She’s not been herself at all.”
I stifle a sigh because I’m way too afraid to let that out. Any indication that everything isn’t absolutely perfect will have June on the first flight out here.
If she can get here.
Itwillbe great anyway. Once I overcome the hurdle and we have a chat, everything will be good. Me and Olivia will have the sort of bond I’m kinda acting like we have right now.
“I know you are. But don’t worry, June. It’s going to be awesome. It’ll all be fine.”
I guess I must have reassured her in the end, because she winds down and the conversation comes to an end, but the guilt remains thick in the pit of my stomach. Not just guilt for lying to June, although I’m not happy with myself for doing that, even though it was necessary. I also have a lot of guilt about the past. For the way things between me and June ended, although I’m sure she feels the same way too.
We were young, easily swayed, and I’m sure it probably wouldn’t have lasted anyway, but I don’t like that we didn’t try. We didn’t fight for what was right. It was such a complicated time in our lives and we should have been better.
Me most of all.
Is there any way I can make it up to June as well? Not that we would ever get back together or anything like that. We’re completely different people at different stages in our lives. She has remarried and has more children of her own. Young kids, and I am focused on the business and what I know I need to do. But there must be something I can do…
It’s easy to think that too much time has passed, and to just dismiss what happened as a long time ago with no way out.
But that doesn’t sit right with me.
Right now, I might be in one of the most beautiful places on the whole planet, but my heart is sinking and I feel like shit. And that is even before I had to go to dinner alone because my daughter doesn’t want to spend time with me. Although I am never usually alone for a long time, I don’t really think I’m in the mood for a typical one-night stand.
Dear God, am I getting soft in my old age? Fuck that. I just need to shake off this shitty mood and pull my head out of my ass so I can make this work out one way or another.
Sitting here in my cabin all sulky isn’t getting me anywhere.
* * *
This is weird.I know it is, but I don’t really know why. I can’t quite put my finger on what’s weird about it. I must have eaten on my own in restaurants before, right? I’m not always in the company of other business people or ladies who have taken a liking to me…
Although I can’t actually think of a time where I’ve sat down like this to a meal without any work going on, all alone. I’m half tempted to call into the office again just to check on how things are going at work, but I’ve already called in a few times. I think they’re getting sick of me. The office runs fine on its own, it has done for a while now because I have great people working for me. I have the best of the best on purpose, they can cope with everything including the big projects we have ongoing at the moment.
It’s all great.
So why don’t I feel great? Why do I feel on edge?
“Hey there, handsome.” I spin on my chair to see who’s talking to me. Someone come to end my loneliness. A beautiful redhead with a naughty look in her eyes. “How’s it going? You look like you could use a little company for the evening.”
“Err, well sure.”
I offer her a one shouldered shrug. Why aren’t I more excited about this? She’s ending my lonely streak and looks like she could be a lot of fun. But weirdly I just feel.... flat. I haven’t exactly been experiencing any real emotion since the anger Isabella had burning through me on the plane when she started talking about things she knows nothing about.
Notthat I’m going to waste my evening thinking about her.
“Have you ordered yet?” she asks as she takes a seat in front of me. Her cleavage is attention grabbing, but I’m not as focused on that as I would usually be. “Because I just asked them to bring my food over here. I don’t like sitting alone, I hope that’s good with you?”
“Well, I don’t mind sitting by myself,” I lie. “But I also don’t mind having some company.”
I would prefer Isabella though, if I can’t have Olivia. It’d be nice to have a proper conversation without heightened emotions. I’d prefer to be able to explain everything to her, to make her understand that nothing is as straightforward as it seems.
Although would it be easy with her staring at me when she makes me feel so weird?
Olivia will probably be better. Then I can explain myself to the one person who needs to hear it the most.