CHAPTER18
Watchingthe two of them was like watching a failed beer pong match where everyone missed the cup and never managed to sink a shot. Lila’s gaze bounced back and forth between them as they tried endlessly to talk to each other, each time missing unless Lila stepped in to be the communicator. It was utterly exhausting.
The first day it had at least felt like they’d made some kind of progress. But this morning? Nothing. Ann was so tense Lila knew it was going to end in her yelling at someone, probably Heidi with the way things were going. Heidi seemed to be withdrawing, although Lila was impressed with her resilience in trying repeatedly to reach Ann.
Lila’s head hurt. She took the afternoon off and spent some time in her room, staring at the ceiling and reveling in the stillness and quiet. Why was it so damn hard for the two of them to talk? She’d never seen a couple struggle so hard with that before. Everything was a miss. Hardly ever did they have a hit, but when they did, Lila could see the love they had for each other blossom right in front of her. It was absolutely the most beautiful thing to witness.
She had always wanted a love like that. Even if it wasn’t with one person, she wanted to know what it felt like. To be consumed by another person, and to know so confidently that they were someone she wanted to be with. She’d never had that before, even with Ann and Heidi. She loved them, yes, but it wasn’t an all-consuming passionate love like she desperately wanted to experience.
The two of them had it. They just didn’t know what to do with it. It was frustrating for her to watch, oftentimes in slow motion as she parsed out who would say what and when to get to the conflict that would shut everything down. It would take at least thirty minutes of recovery time before they’d start up and try again.
Lila rubbed her temples and closed her eyes. The previous day, sex with Ann had felt bittersweet. It had been odd. Ann had fucked her to oblivion, as if it was the only thing she could concentrate on and feel in that moment, like she wanted everything around it to vanish. Yet at the end, all she’d done was talk about Heidi and suggested Lila go in there and snuggle since they both liked that form of intimacy. Lila had taken her up on the offer and snuck in to be with Heidi, resting and relaxing in her sublime embrace.
They’d stayed plastered together for hours before they’d gone down for dinner. Still, Ann knew enough and was able to figure out Lila in that way, so why couldn’t she figure out Heidi? Yes, Heidi was even more adept at hiding things, but fifteen years, nearly sixteen, was a hell of a long time to go without knowing those small quirks about a partner.
The idea had been stirring around in her brain for days now, but after being an outside observer for the last two, she was pretty sure it might be the best course of action. Ann communicated best during sex. That much Lila knew. It was when Ann didn’t think and when she felt the most connected. It would be perfect, but only if Lila could get over herself for the few hours it would take.
Still, she could do it in a way where it wasn’t all of them together—mostly. She had to put up those boundaries for herself because she couldn’t deal with them both at the same time. Ann and Heidi were her exact matches, and the fact she’d found them in two people who were together was something she had never anticipated.
She’d always thought she’d find more than one person, but never together. The possibility of a triad had never entered her mind. And after witnessing the last few days, she wasn’t sure she wanted to try it with them. Heidi and Ann were lovely women, who clearly loved with their entire beings, but having that much focus on her at once would be too much. Lila was convinced of it.
So for her plan, she was going to have to make sure to stay far away from that possibility. She would make sure of it. Lila wished she had brought her laptop so she could do some yoga to calm her nerves, but she’d foolishly left it at home, thinking she wouldn’t need it or have time to use it. She stared at the floor next to the bed and debated whether to try and do some of it without a guide. She’d done it before, but she had none of her stuff with her.
Footsteps sounded on the stairs, and instantly, Lila knew it was Heidi. The steps were soft, not loud, which meant it wasn’t Ann, who lacked the self-awareness sometimes to even know how loud she was. Lila stood and immediately walked to her door, opening it. She caught Heidi by surprise but gave her a sweet smile to calm the trigger Lila had no doubt hit.
“Got a minute?” Lila asked.
Heidi narrowed her gaze. “How heavy is the topic?”
“I don’t think we’re going to escape heavy topics during thisvacation.”
Snorting, Heidi nodded her agreement. “You’re right.”
Once they were both in Lila’s room, Lila shut and locked the door. When Heidi looked at her curiously, she shrugged and nodded toward the bed. “Sit with me?”
“Sure.”
They climbed onto the bed and sat next to each other, leaning against the headboard with pillows behind their back. Heidi took Lila’s hand in hers and squeezed lightly.
“Why do I have a feeling you want to talk about something?”
“It’s an idea I’ve had for the last few days, and I want to run it by you because I need you on board in order to run with it. I’m pretty sure Ann will be fine with it.”
Heidi tensed even more than normal, and she didn’t even know what Lila was going to say yet. That was not a good sign. Lila tried to calm her own nerves so that Heidi would relax next to her. It was something she’d learned rather quickly with anyone who was tense or stressed. The more there was of the negative emotion, then the worse it would get, but if she remained calm and sensible, then everyone else would eventually drop closer to her level of calm.
“I was thinking that we should have sex.”
The tension in Heidi skyrocketed.
“I don’t mean us. I mean…damn I’m doing a bad job at this for once. I mean I’ve watched you two for nearly two days now, and we’re not really getting anywhere. Ann communicates best during sex. I know that’s weird to say, but she’s the biggest damn talker ever.”
“She never talks to me,” Heidi whispered.
Lila whipped her head around. “What?”
“She talks during sex, but it’s not a lot.”
“What do you mean it’s not a lot? What does she say?”