Turning the page, she played the next song, then the next. Lost in playing, she started to hum the tune as she played. After an entire day of trying to not think about the day seven years before, she was finally able to relax. To not think about what today was.
During the fourth song, a sleepy John Henry climbed onto the bench beside her. As she continued to play, he would poke a random key, and she would play over it. As he did it once, then twice, he got bolder and started to play with two hands himself.
Instantly she stopped playing and pulled him onto her lap. Putting his hands in the proper position on the keyboard, she showed him the basics, playing a few notes and humming as she did it.
With a wiggly body, he followed her lead and played the keys she played and hummed. Not the same melody she was playing, but it didn’t matter. Today she needed to share this part of her life with him, a part that had made her special, apart from being one of three.
“He’s going to be as good as his mom,” Ruston said from behind her.
She hadn’t even noticed he had followed her son into the room. “He’ll be better than me. I’m not overly good.” She let John Henry play the song as best he could, which wasn’t good, so she showed him again.
“So you say, but I know better. You’re an amazing musician, no matter what you play or sing.” Ruston rested his hands on her shoulders.
“I just like to play,” she whispered as his thumbs rubbed the back of her neck.
“You have a gift, Hazel. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. An amazing gift that you should be sharing.” His hands relaxed muscles she didn’t even know were tense.
“You can’t make money from music, Ruston.” She watched as John Henry poked at the keys again. He might be too young to learn to play.
“Yes, you can. You can teach it, and you can play it.” He kissed the top of her head. “Do you want me to take him so you can relax?”
“No, I can take care of him.” She started to slide off the bench. Her son was far more important than music was.
“So can I. You need some alone time today. Here’s as good of a place as any.” His hands stopped her movements, and he took the boy off her lap. “Come home when you’re ready.”
“I will,” she said, trying not to cry, because she wasn’t going to today. But he was making it hard when he was being so good to her. When she didn’t deserve it.
Unable to move, she heard the front door shut as Ruston left her alone. But still, she wasn’t able to play again. Memories were her enemy today, and now they were winning. Memories of her siblings talking about their futures, colleges, and jobs. Things she had never dreamed of. When she had decided on a college, it was for their music program, even if there would be no jobs for her when she graduated from it. Her dream had been unachievable compared to theirs.
Henry was going to farm, and Hanna was going to be a teacher. They had their plans set. By now they would both be done with school and living their lives. Would they be married yet? Have kids? If they had lived, would she have had John Henry? Would she be there? Would she have come home to visit and met Ruston the normal way, not having him forced to marry her?
“I broke up with Henry that night. That’s why he was speeding. He was mad at me. So mad he wasn’t being careful. And we were all too drunk to care.” Natalie’s voice broke her questions.
That Natalie was there hadn’t surprised her. She had been so much a part of Hazel’s life that not having her there would have surprised her. Even in this most private time, Natalie was a part of it. She was the only person who understood.
Silently, Hazel closed the lid of the piano. She would not play again today. But it was here when she needed it, and she would need it again eventually.
“I should have told you. I don’t know when I would have, but I want you to know. I broke his heart. Before he died, I broke his heart.” She was standing, staring out a stained-glass window, not even looking at Hazel.
“Why?” Hazel asked, looking at her friend across the dark sanctuary, knowing her friend was in as much pain today her she was.
“I didn’t want to have sex with him,” she admitted, with Jesus looking down at her from that window. Instantly she blushed and turned, looking over at Hazel.
“I mean, why are you telling me now?” Hazel asked.
“You should know. I had stopped being a good friend to Hanna for Henry, and then I dumped him, and then they both died. First you, then Hanna, then Henry. I let every one of you down, and then I lived.” Natalie’s voice was breaking over the sobs as she spoke.
“It’s not our fault. It was an accident.”
“I know, we were stupid kids. We thought we had the rest of our lives, and that nothing could touch us. I want that day back so badly.”
“We can’t have any day back, Natalie.”
“I’m sorry, Hazel May.” Natalie sat down in the pew closest to the piano Hazel was still sitting at. She hadn’t been able to move.
“Why?”
“Because I was an awful person to you for years. I spent today watching movies.” Natalie’s dad had made movies of all her life’s events, big and small. All ball games, dances, even just playing in the back yard. Hanna and Hazel had been caught in those videos time and again. Hazel hadn’t seen many but knew they existed.