He flinched but did not contradict her.
In fact, he said nothing at all. But his bronze skin paled.
“All those times I saw you flinch at the mention of a child,” she realized, “it wasn’t because you didn’t want one. It was because he wouldn’t allow you to have one.”
He shook his head, unwilling to listen. Unwilling to hear reason. “I have broken my vow,” he whispered. “My word… All because I couldn’t overcome my desire?”
The self-loathing in his voice broke her heart.
“A vow to a man who was an absolute ponce,” she railed, longing to break through to him.
He winced.
“Are you going to argue it?” she asked with more reserve. “Did he not make your life a misery? And your mother’s. I have garnered as much from the little things that you have said. That is the reason, is it not, for all the things that you do, for the way that you help women because of what your father did to your mother, the way he made her pay for her crime? Derek, you cannot ignore his cruelty and misuse. My darling, you are worth far more than that man. You are worthy of every power that you have inherited because of what you do with it.”
“I made a vow,” he bit out, as if every word she had uttered had passed through him unheard. “A vow. I would not supply the next heir.”
She blinked. A feeling of deep unease twisted her heart. “Why did you marry me?” she whispered. “You married me to ensure that you would not have an heir. You said I suited what you needed in a wife. What was that exactly?”
He lifted his gaze to hers. “Please, Victoria…I…”
A wave of understanding crashed down on her, and she longed to break. She would not. She locked gazes with him and ground out, “You vowed never to have children. And you had to choose someone who would ensure you never did. Why did I suit to your purpose?” She licked her lips, dreading the answer. “What was it about me that suited the purpose to fulfill your vow to never have children?”
“Don’t make me say it,” he gritted.
Her stomach tightened, and her heart dropped. “Say what? The truth?” She let out a disgusted sound. “You’re as bad as the rest of them.”
“I am not,” he insisted. “You know that I’m not.”
“Do I?” she said. “Then say it. Say why you chose me over any other woman. Why me? Victoria Kirby, Victory as you like to call me.”
“Because I thought…” He looked away, unable to meet her gaze. “I could never…”
“What?” she demanded, folding her arms under her breasts, unwilling to let this go.
He sucked in a deep breath, expanding his chest against his linen shirt before he confessed, “Because I thought I could never desire you. I had heard of your reputation. I knew that you were meant to be difficult and unattractive and that no man desired you.”
“And you felt that you would not desire me, either?” she breathed. The horror of it cracked through her. She’d thought…she’d thought he was different.
He nodded. “I did wish to save you from Lord Craven and your father’s casting you away in a bet. But I also did it because I knew that you would suit my purpose as a duchess. I convinced myself we would easily stay out of each other’s beds. But Victoria,” he said, his voice turning pleading, “I discovered that once I was wed to you, I wanted you in a way that I could never want someone else.”
“All those things,” she said quietly, ignoring his last statement. “All those things you said about the unimportance of beauty. They were lies.”
“They were not lies,” he gritted, panic clawing through his eyes.
“They were,” she affirmed without mercy. “You didn’t mean it. Beauty did matter to you. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have mattered if I was beautiful or plain. You would have known that you could have been attracted to me with my plainness. That you’d be tempted by me.”
“Please understand,” he begged. “I’ve been horribly foolish, but…I love you.”
“Love!” she cried, her eyes stinging. “Is this love? If it is, I want no part of it. You should go. You don’t want me, and you don’t want this child. We are both a burden to you, and we shall not be, I promise you that. We never shall be.”
“What do you mean?” he said, straightening.
“I thought I had to stay here and be your duchess in turn for the freedom you gave me,” she breathed. A stuttering laugh rattled out of her. “I’m not going to do that. I’m going to use my freedom instead to be…free. I’m not going to stay in London to live a life with you like this.”
Licking her lips, she looked to the window, imagining she could see all the mysterious horizons she’d imagined since she was a girl. “There is more for me out there, and I will choose that. For myself and my child. I have the funds and I have the freedom thanks to you. And I will use them.”
“You’re leaving me,” he rasped.