He lifted her up and carried her to the couch, where he cradled her in his arms and held her tight while she continued to talk through the tears.
“When he was in the hospital, I asked the doctor, ‘If we had found it earlier, would that have made a difference?’ He said every day, every week, with cancer treatment makes a difference. Because of me, Kyle waited three months before seeing a doctor. Three months could have saved him. He could be here with us instead of gone if I hadn’t been so selfish.”
As Jennie leaned into Chad and cried, he shushed her, and rocked her, surrounded by Kyle’s parents and her parents.
She looked up at them and couldn’t understand why they all still looked at her with love in their eyes. With understanding and concern instead of hatred. Why weren’t they looking at her with disgust after what she just told them? Didn’t they understand?
Kyle’s mom leaned close and took Jennie’s hand in hers. “Jennie, you didn’t kill Kyle. You listen to me, sweetheart. That doctor had no right to tell you that. No right at all, sweetheart. You and Kyle were so young when you married. You’d have no reason to think he was so sick. None of us did. I brought him chicken soup, for heaven’s sake, Jennie. I didn’t make him go to a doctor. I made him soup.”
Jennie’s breath was ragged and her throat hurt from trying to choke in air around the sobs. Her chest hitched uncontrollably with every inhale as she tried to process what was said.
And through it all, Chad held on tight to her, rocking her until she wore herself out and the flow of tears began to slow.
As she caught her breath, Kyle’s father spoke so quietly she almost couldn’t hear him at first.
“Kyle knew, Jennie,” he said.
“What?” Her head snapped up and it sounded as if everyone in the room was holding their breath. She could tell by the look on their faces, no one else had known this secret either.
“He told me. About a week before he died. He told me he had gone to a clinic without telling you. He used a fake name so it wouldn’t be on his work medical record as a preexisting condition. They told him he needed to start treatment right away, but he didn’t want to strap you with that burden financially. By that time, it was only a matter of about five more weeks before his insurance kicked in, so he waited. He made a choice, Jennie. And, it wasn’t that choice that killed him and it wasn’t you that killed him. It was cancer that killed Kyle. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right for him or for you to have to go through that, but that doesn’t make it your fault, Jennie.
She stared in shock as she tried to process what he’d just said. As she tried to absorb the fact that maybe, just maybe, she’d held onto a guilt she shouldn’t have had to bear all these years. For four years, she’d held on.
She’d punished herself, never allowing her heart to move on. And, now, in the span of only minutes, she’d been told by people she loved and believed, that she didn’t have to. That it was all right to finally let it all go.
Chapter 33
Dinner forgotten, they all settled in the living room as Chad held Jennie in his arms. She had worn herself out. She lay limp against him, having finally succumbed to sleep.
He suspected she hadn't been sleeping well since they had their fight at the cabin. He leaned back against the couch, shifting sideways so he could let her stretch out a bit and sleep.
Her parents and in-laws surrounded them, as if unable to pull themselves away. Her father started talking first, and initially, Chad wished they wouldn’t tell him about Kyle. But, after a minute, he realized they weren’t.
They were really telling him about Jennie because Kyle was as much a part of Jennie as they all were. To really know Jennie, Chad had to know Kyle, too. He had to know the whole story.
“She used to follow him around when he was twelve. She thought he hung the moon and the stars, but he thought she had cooties at that age,” Jennie’s dad said, laughing at the memory.
Chad could picture Jennie then. He pictured a young version of the happier Jennie he used to know, not the woman she had been in the last few months.
“She would do things to get his attention like hide his football or put itching powder down the back of his shorts,” said Kyle’s mom.
“Oh, God. I remember that! The things she put that poor boy through,” said Jennie’s mom shaking her head.
They began to tell stories about Jennie and Kyle. About the year Kyle finally noticed girls in general, and Jennie in particular. About their junior prom and their senior prom.
About Kyle saving up to buy Jennie a promise ring and the time they caught Kyle climbing the trellis to get to Jennie’s room at night.
About how Kyle proposed to Jennie at the family celebration of Kyle’s college graduation and how she cried when he got down on one knee.
They talked late into the night as Jennie slept. Chad thought he would feel jealous, hearing about her perfect relationship with the man he couldn’t begin to compete with. But he didn’t.
He liked hearing about how happy Jennie had been. He wanted that back for her. It hurt like hell that he couldn’t give her that happiness, but if he couldn’t give it to her, he wanted her to find it any way she could.
Eventually, the stories of Kyle and Jennie stopped and the group sat quietly for a bit even though it was well past midnight. It was as though none of them could stand to leave Jennie for the short time she’d be home.
They had turned out the lights and had only a small lamp on as they talked. At some point they’d eaten cold burgers, bringing the plates in from the dining room to eat picnic style in the living room.
“What do you think you want it to be, Chad? A boy or a girl?” Jennie’s dad grinned as he asked the question.