When his hand drops, my heart cracks. And when he opens the door and walks away, it shatters into pieces.
I’m not sure how long I stand there, staring at the closed door, but it’s long enough that my thoughts roar, deafeningly loud, in my skull. I’m a goddamn coward and the truth is a heavy weight in my chest.
Sol thinks I let him walk away because I don’t feel the same—because I don’t trust he wants this as much as he says he does. The truth is, I’m scared. I’m fucking terrified. He said everything I wanted him to, but I’ve fenced myself in so thoroughly, I can’t find a way around the walls.
My phone rings and I jolt, finally turning away from the door. Snatching it up from where it’s vibrating across my desk, I breathe a sigh of relief at Toby’s name on the screen.
“Hey,” I say, dropping onto my desk chair. “What’s up?”
“Just wondering if you’re coming home this weekend.”
I drop my head back. If this isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is. I didn’t have the courage to face Sol, but I can at least try to face my dad. “Yeah. I’m heading up tomorrow.”
“Awesome,” Toby says. “I’m back as well. Got to head out early Sunday, though, so was hoping you’d want to grab dinner tomorrow night or something?”
I smile. “Sounds good.”
There’s a pause, long enough that I sit up, checking the screen to see if he’s still connected.
“What happened?” Toby asks. “Why do you sound sad?”
“This is how I always sound,” I scoff.
“Lies. I know what your sad sounds like. Spill. Is it that hot frat boy?”
I groan. “Fine. Yes. It’s the hot frat boy.”
“What happened to getting over him? You change your mind?”
“Yes. No.” A growl of frustration tears from me. “I don’t fucking know.”
Toby sighs. “Give me the highlights and we’ll talk properly this weekend.”
“It can wait,” I say. “I’ll—”
“No. Tell me now.”
Pushing back the chair, I rest my head against the desk. “Fine. We were seeing each other, casually. It was good. Really good. But I went home with him last weekend and met his parents, and things changed. It felt, more, you know? But then his kid sister walked in on us naked in bed and he freaked out.”
Toby gasps dramatically. “What happened? Did they kick you out?”
“I don’t know what happened. I left.”
“You left?”
“Yeah. I told him I wasn’t going to stick around for whatever excuse he was going to come up with. This is exactly why I didn’t want to get involved in the first place.”
“Wes,” Toby breathes. “Seriously? If my kid sister walked in on me having sex, I’d freak out, and she knows I’m gay. Your only child syndrome is showing.”
“Fuck off,” I mutter.
“So, then what happened?”
“I sort of avoided him all week, but then I went to his lacrosse game today, and he saw me. I left right away, but he came to my dorm.”
“Okay,” Toby says warily. “And you . . . talked?”
I wince. “We fought and then had the hottest hate sex I’ve ever had.”