“I wouldn’t have had anyone else take you home.”
I slip down in my seat and continue to watch the buildings pass by. After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Holden finally speaks again.
“I don't want you hanging around Adrian. I mean it.”
His comment catches me off guard and I am momentarily speechless. I can feel my mouth hanging open as I stare at him in shock. This is a side of Holden I have never seen. The fierceness in his statement, the command that he wants me to just do this without question. It has me so stunned.
When I get my mind wrapped around what he said, my confusion becomes irritation. “Excuse me?” Holden's jaw is still clenched, but when he looks over at me I can see his expression soften.
I don’t understand any of this. I told him and Alex back at the house Adrian helped me.
He sighs heavily and runs a hand over his jaw. “I’m sorry, Sky, I don't mean to be so ... demanding or anything. It's just that I want to protect you from guys like Adrian.”
“And what sort of guys are that?” I can see the campus lights up ahead, but I need to know what Holden is talking about. “Guys that help a girl out when she’s in trouble?” He doesn't speak again until he pulls up to the curb right outside my dorm. His whole body is tense and he doesn't look at me, just stares straight ahead. “Well?” I have never seen Holden act this way. The butterflies and warmth that I’ve always felt when I looked up at him were nice, familiar, and a fleeting thought passes through my mind.
Could he be jealous?
No, I know that is probably the most absurd thought that I have ever had. I know he doesn't think of me as anything but a little sister.
I don’t want to get into this anyway, not after the night I’ve had. “Thanks again for the lift.” I have my hand wrapped around the handle and I'm about to push the door open when I feel his big hand on my shoulder, stopping me. He looks at me apologetically.
“I’m sorry.” He has yet to remove his hand from my shoulder and I can feel his warmth seep right through my clothes. I feel like I'm at home when I look at him, when we hang out. It’s always been that way, and I latched onto that, craving it because I didn’t feel anything else for anyone.
But then I felt something profound with Adrian.
“I just would prefer it if you stayed clear of Adrian. I didn't mean to bark at you like that earlier, it's just he rubs me the wrong way, and when I saw him with his hands on you—” His jaw clenches tightly again before he continues. “It just pisses me off.” His smile seems a little forced.
“What exactly aren’t you telling me?”
“He just has a bad reputation.”
I move away, pressing myself against the door so I can get a better look at him. The shadows play across his face, hiding parts of him in darkness. “Rumors? Like what?”
“Partying hard, bad boy persona all the way. Hell, you think of it and it’s been said about him.”
I never did put much stock into rumors. Hell, the guy who assaulted me all those years ago had been known for being sweet and kind, gentle even.
He hadn’t been any of those things when he tried to take from me something I wasn’t offering willingly.
“You don't like Adrian because you heard rumors about him? Did you ever ask him about any of this?”
He shakes his head twice and breathes out roughly before leaning back in his seat and staring at the roof. “Yes. No. Fuck, I just want you to be safe.” He cuts a glance toward me and there is a heartbeat of silence as we watch each other. I have a feeling he wants to say more, but when the silence stretches on I know now is the time for me to go. I don't know what Holden's deal is, but the guy staring at me right now is not the same one that I grew up around. It isn’t the guy I’ve had a crush on for so long it’s pitiful.
But what I felt in that moment with Adrian was something so much more … something deeper.
“I’ll be fine.” If he knew how Adrian had helped me in just that short time he might not feel like this. But that isn’t something I am prepared to go into, at least not right now … maybe not ever. “Are you sure you're okay to drive home, Holden?” Concern quickly replaces all other emotions. “You're acting strange.” His smile flashes in the darkness, all straight white teeth … but distant. It’s a smile he uses as a façade, and now he is using it on me.
“I'm fine.”
I know Holden is only looking out for me, but something in me has changed in just this short time … in just that one moment I looked up and saw Adrian standing here.
Something felt right.
Maybe he is just worried about me?
“It'll be okay, Holden. I’m not a little girl anymore. You and Alex don’t have to protect me.” It’s a lie. I need, want to be protected. And the flash of Adrian in my mind has me feeling calm, warm.
There is a part of me that wishes I was strong enough to go through this alone. But even after that incident I’d never spoke of happening four years ago, I felt like I needed someone telling me everything would be okay even though I know it won't be.
It never will be.