She shrugged. “No, it was all right. At least she told me, you know? I didn’t find out. She just said she really liked him, and she wanted to go out with him, he’d asked her. And did I mind? You know, I really did mind. I didn’t want to share. I didn’t want to compete. So, I told her if she wanted to date him, it was okay with me. We could go back to being friends. I didn’t want to be the person making her stay where she didn’t want to be or hold her back.”
That I got. Reaching across the table, I clasped her hand. “I’m sorry.”
“You know the break up wasn’t the hard part—it was talking to her after that sucked. Remember how I said we could talk about anything? Two minutes or two months?” At my nod, she squeezed my hand. “That went away. It was just awkward as fuck, and eventually, I stopped calling her and she stopped calling me. I see her now and again, but…it’s not the same.”
“That was right before the spring dance.”
“Yep, and then in my great and profound wisdom, I decided that you should know why no one asked. I suppose I could have kicked a puppy. That might have been kinder.”
Now I rolled my eyes. “Regretting telling me already?”
“Regretting that sometimes I am too blunt and too harsh. That I say what I think, and it doesn’t always work out. Then, I think about biting my tongue, and I don’t.” She had the last spoonful of her ice cream. “Because it hurts.”
I chuckled.
“So after that long story, my only advice is that—you might not be able to go back to how it was. You’ve changed. They’ve changed. How you see each other and the potential you see…it’s always going to be there.”
My shoulders sagged, and I bit into another yogurt-covered pretzel dipped in the leftover melt of the ice cream.
“Then again, you five are weird,” Rachel offered. “Maybe you can figure it out.”
“I’m worried because the guys are fighting now, and I don’t want them to fight over me. They were plotting to get rid of Mathieu when they just thought I was dating him, and then…I asked them what would happen if they wanted to get rid of each other. All I wanted was to date and do the things all the other girls were doing.” To be a real teen instead the girl with the flakey mom who sleeps around and has had to look after myself for years. “Did I mess all this up?”
“I think yes, and I think no.”
I stared at her for a beat. “Well, thank you for clearing that up for me.”
“What I mean is,” Rachel said making a face. “That maybe you haven’t handled it the best, but you told them how you felt. You’ve been honest since the beginning, right?”
I nodded. “We even kind of plan date nights and stuff when we’re all together, so everyone knows when I’m going out with one of the others…”
Rule number two.
That was what Jake meant. They knew when I was out with one of them, and they weren’t supposed to interfere.
Ugh. They maderules? I wasn’t sure if that was cute or irritating.
Or maybe just thoughtful.
“Then, I think you did that right. I think you have to be true to you. You have to ask yourself, are you dating all of them as a unit or individually? And do you want to continue if one or more of them doesn’t?”
The thought of losing one of them made me want to cry, and I’d broken up with Ian. Me. I’d taken that decision out of his hands. The thought of losing all of them?
No. That was just too damn bleak.
“You don’t have to decide right now,” Rachel said. “Just something to think about.”
“Yeah.”
We both sighed.
“Well…are you dating anyone now?” I asked.
She grinned. “No. But I have my eye on someone—not you. I know. I’m not your type. So we have very clear boundaries.”
I laughed. “I thought you didn’t like boundaries.”
“Never have been a fan,” she agreed.