The problem is that I don’t want to turn up at all. I don’t want to go.
If I don’t go, maybe it won’t feel real.
I haven’t seen the house. I thought about trying to go, the first day after the news, but I knew none of the guys would have let me. And besides, deep down, I knew there was no point. That house was never my home, it was just a place we were allowed to stay after we lost our real one. I wouldn’t have been grieving for the home, I would have been grieving for everything inside, all the remaining things my mother had that she’d cherished.
But worse still, it would have made the way she’d died, the horrific way that they’d killed her, all the more real.
No one has officially said it was the Sons who did it. No one saw the attackers, or at least no one will admit that they did. But deep in my gut, I know that’s who it was. And it makes me think they were behind my abduction too.
That bitch that was at the fights, and the Sons.
It hadn’t made sense before why they could come after me or my mother, when we had the protection of Philip St. Vincent—when I was the heirs’ pet. But now that I know about Natalie and what happened on that awful night, it’s starting to come together.
I need to talk to Jaxon about it, however painful it’s going to be. I need to know what his relationship with her was like, if there was a reason his father—any of their fathers—might have wanted her dead.
Because if so, they might have been responsible for Natalie’s death.Theymight have sicced the Sons on me, and my mother, because I didn’t just let Dean win the game. Because I decided not to bow to their fucking rules, and make all three of these boys mine instead.
And if so, it’s just another reason to burn this fucking town to the ground like they’ve done to so much of my life.
The anger bubbling up feels good as I get out of the shower and start to dry off. Anger can get me through, it can help me shove down the grief until I’m able to handle it. Because right now, I feel like if I give in to the grief even a little, I’ll lose my mind.
Mia is waiting for me in the bedroom when I walk out, underwear and dress and shoes all laid out for me so that I can get dressed without having to think very much about it. I focus on the anger as I slip into my underwear, hooking my bra and numbly unzipping the dress so that I can step into it and turn around for Mia to zip me up.
“I’ll be right here with you the entire time,” she says gently. “I won’t leave your side, I promise. Whatever you need.”
I need my mother back,I think bitterly, my throat closing over with a sudden rush of grief and emotion that I have to shove roughly back down. I don’t say it aloud, because it’s cruel—she can’t give me that, of course. No one can.
I step into the heels, tottering a little as I look at my reflection in the mirror. I look pale, my eyes red-rimmed, and I wonder if the boys will have anything to say about my appearance. They’ve never really seen me like this. They’ve seen me beaten and injured, nearly dead, but they’ve never seen me grieving like this.
“Are you ready?” Mia asks gently, touching my arm, and I shake my head as I fight back the tears.
“I’m not ever going to be ready for this,” I say softly. “But I have to go, right?”
“I think if you don’t, you’ll regret it.” Mia looks at my reflection in the mirror, her face sympathetic. “I know this is hard, but just think of it as the last thing you can do for her. You can be there for her today.”
“I just can’t believe she’s gone.” I bite my lower lip hard, my eyes burning.I can’t cry. Why can’t I cry? I shouldn’t cry. If I cry, I won’t stop.“It was so sudden. And so violent. I’m not saying it wouldn’t have been hard no matter what, but if she’d been sick, or—”
“You would have had time to get used to the idea. To know she was going to be gone. And to say goodbye.” Mia’s arm slips around my waist, and she lays her head against my shoulder. “That makes perfect sense, Athena. There’s no reason to feel bad that you feel that way.”
“The last thing we talked about was Natalie.” I bite down on my lip harder, and I taste blood, but I don’t care. That thought, more than anything, keeps tearing at me until I feel as if I can’t stand it anymore. “I hate that that was our last conversation.”
“I know.” Mia looks at me sadly. “But you can’t change it now. And your mother loved you. She knew how much you loved her. That one conversation didn’t change any of that. Even if it brought up old painful memories, it didn’t change all the other wonderful times you had together.”
“I know.” I close my eyes briefly, trying to steady myself. “I didn’t think I’d have to do this for a long time. And I feel like it’s my fault. I—”
“Athena, no!” Mia straightens, turning to face me with shock written all over her face. “Why on earth would you think that?”
“Because I think it was revenge. Because I didn’t just give in and let Dean win the game. Because I kept fighting.” I explain to Mia my theory about Natalie, and how I think the Sons were responsible for my abduction and my mother’s murder. “I think it’s all connected. And I think they were able to attack us because Cayde and Dean and Jaxon’s fathers want me and my mother dead. They don’t want anything to change, and I’m threatening that now. So if I’d just given in, accepted that Dean won and I was his pet and let things go on as they always have, then my mother would still be alive.”
“No.” Mia shakes her head firmly. She reaches out, grabbing my shoulders so that I’m forced to look directly at her. “Athena, no. This is not your fault. What do you think your mother would have wanted you to do, if she’d known why you were really here? Do you think she’d have wanted you to give in? To be Dean’s sex toy or his maid for the rest of your life? These aren’t just your choices either, Athena.” Mia looks sterner than I’ve ever seen her, her voice more insistent than I’ve ever heard it. “Your mother chose to stay with your father, knowing he was in a biker gang, knowing about his infidelity, about his other daughter. She chose to stay in this town, to lean on Philip St. Vincent’s charity, knowing that the same gang that killed her husband wanted her and her daughter dead as well. She could have taken you and run, and none of this would have ever happened.”
I nod silently. I’ve thought that too, of course. But I’ve never been able to admit it out loud.
“It’s not just your choices that have led to this, Athena. And your mother would never, ever have wanted you to give in to the game you were forced to play. She would never have wanted you to do that. No matter the consequences. You have to believe that, or you’re going to go insane.”
“I feel like I’m halfway there already.” My chin trembles, and I look at myself in the mirror again. I think I look as brittle as I feel, like all the pieces of me might start falling apart, and I’m not sure who will be there to pick them up.
I don’t know for sure yet if I can count on Cayde and Dean. I’m even less certain of Jaxon. And while I know that Mia will always be there for me, I don’t want to put everything on her. It’s too much of a burden for any one person.