“There was this place that my mother used to take me to, when I was younger,” I tell him slowly. “On the coast, past the country club. One of the parts of the beach where all the richer people didn’t really go, there wasn’t a lot of sand, it was mostly rocks and the waves came in faster there, although there was a small strip of beach. But it was our spot, so I loved it. It was our favorite spot, it was—” I break off, my voice catching in my throat.
“It was yours,” Jaxon says quietly. “Yours and hers.”
“Yes.” I nod, swallowing past the lump in my throat. “Exactly that. It was ours.” I lick my lips, trying to breathe past the threatening tears, trying not to cry as I look at the raw earth where my mother’s urn is buried, without a headstone yet, without anything other than the overturned dirt to mark all that’s left of her.
I take a deep breath, forcing myself not to cry. “When they asked me if I wanted the urn or wanted to bury it, I didn’t know what to say. I was so in shock. I couldn’t even think as far as the end of the day, let alone what to do with my mother’s ashes, and I couldn’t picture bringing them back to the house—I’m sorry, but that place isn’t my home. It’s not—”
“Good and bad things have happened to you there,” Jaxon says quietly. “Things that you couldn’t tell her, good or bad. It’s not your home, and it’s not ours either, honestly. I can’t wait to leave there.” He presses his lips together, watching me. “I can understand why you wouldn’t want to bring her back there.”
I nod, fighting back tears even harder from hearing him say that, feeling understood so completely. “It felt so strange to just sit it in my room, just—there. It didn’t feel right, but burying it didn’t either. I didn’t see any other choice, though. So I just picked burying it, because I knew I couldn’t take it with me.”
“And you have a better idea now.” The way Jaxon says it makes me think that he’s already figured out what I want to do, but I tell him anyway.
“I want to dig up that urn, and I want to take it to our spot on the beach, tonight, and scatter her ashes there.” I feel my eyes burning, and I squeeze them tightly shut, blinking away the tears. “That’s what I dreamed about earlier, when I woke up crying. Not the ashes—but my mom. On the beach with me, when I was a child. Except it felt like I was there now, too—both of us, me back then and me now.” I feel like I’m blabbering now, the words tumbling out of my mouth in a rush, but Jaxon is just watching me patiently, listening. “She asked me to promise to be more careful. This isn’t careful but—I need to. I need to know that she’s there, not here.”
Jaxon is quiet for a long moment, and then he looks at me. “She’s next to your father here, at least,” he offers. “I don’t know if that makes you feel differently about it, but I figured that was why you chose to bury it here.”
“I—” I don’t know if I should try to explain it to Jaxon, especially considering how raw I know the wound still is from Natalie. But if we’re going to make this work, we’re going to have to be honest with each other. We can’t hide things, because now more than ever, miscommunication could be the death of everything.
“I loved my father,” I say quietly, crossing my arms tightly over my chest and leaning so that my hip is pressed against the seat of the motorcycle. “I loved him so much. But there’s things that I’ve learned about him, and things that I’ve come to see—he put us in so much danger. All of these things that have happened to me, and to my mother, to our family, happened because he chose to be unfaithful. Because he chose to be a part of an organization that he knew would prioritize his loyalty to them over anything else,anyoneelse. He knew the danger he was putting us all in, but he either was so arrogant that he thought it would never happen to him, or he cared more about what he wanted than keeping us safe.” I stop, breathless as I squeeze my arms around myself, trying desperately not to cry—angry tears now too, as well as sad ones. “I loved him,” I repeat, as if saying it again can wipe away the disloyalty I feel for saying all of this aloud, and it’s true.
I did love him, and I do. I remember all the good things, the tobacco scent of him when he picked me up and swung me around as a child, the cards he wrote me at holidays and the scent of leather and grease and gasoline when he took me on his motorcycle. “He taught me to be fearless, and brave, and not to take shit from anyone. But so did my mother. She loved him too, and now she’s there.” I gesture to the plot of earth, feeling the tears rise up, hot and angry and blurring my vision. “He could have taken us and tried to run. He could have been faithful to my mother. I know that means that—that Natalie would never have existed, but she wouldn’t have died like that either. You wouldn’t have been hurt. And I—I don’t know if in the end—” I gasp for the words, almost feeling as if I can’t say it aloud. The words burn in my throat, but I have to. I have to say it, to get it all out.
“I don’t know if he deserves to have her next to him for eternity, after all of that,” I whisper. “I don’t know what she would have wanted. We never talked about that. Maybe I should have asked—but there was too much death. Too much fear, for us to be in a place to talk about those things. Maybe we could have later on but—” I swallow hard. “I want her to be free. Free of all of this, in the place where I know we were happy.”
Jaxon nods, and then he takes a few steps forwards, reaching for me and pulling me into his arms. His broad, rough palm cups my face, brushing a tear away from my cheek, and he looks down at me, his eyes dark and fathomless in the growing night.
“I can’t say that I wish your father had been a better man,” he says thickly. “Because I loved Natalie, deeply. I loved her in that way that you can only ever love when you’re seventeen and the world is against you and there’s one other person who feels the same way, and it’s the two of you against the world. When you believe that the first one you love will be the one you love forever. I can’t give you that, Athena, and I’m sorry. I know that it might hurt to hear that I loved someone else that way, but I can’t change it—and I wouldn’t, even if I could.” He takes a deep breath, his hand still on my face, his fingers still brushing away the tears that are still rolling down my cheeks.
“And I can’t say that I wish he’d been a better man,” he continues, “because all of those choices brought you to me too, Athena. It’s been a hard, dark road to get here, and if I could go back and smooth it over, take all the pain and grief away and still wind up with you, then I would. If I could bring your parents back, hell, even just your mother—if I could undo all the terrible things that we’ve all done to you, if I could undo the kidnapping—all of it, and still have you in my arms when it was all unraveled, loving me and loving you, I would. I lost Natalie, and the hardest fucking thing in the world, Athena, the reason I hated you in that moment as much as I loved you, the reason I hurt you—and I’m not saying it was justified—” he adds quickly. “I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for that mistake. But what kills me the most, and still does—”
He presses his lips together hard, and to my shock, I see tears shimmering there, his eyes glossy and bright suddenly in the faint light from the lamps along the road. “What kills me,” he repeats in a choked voice, his hands tightening on my waist, “is that I don’t even know if I’d bring her back anymore, if I could. Because I loved her—I love her—but we were children. We didn’t know anything about how the world works. We believed things that would never have really happened. Who knows if it would have worked out? Who knows if I would have loved her forever? What we had is gone, and—” he takes a deep, shuddering breath, his fingers clinging to me so hard that it’s almost painful, but I don’t care. This is the most he’s ever said to me, the most he’s ever shared, and I know how important it is.
“You’rehere, Athena. You’re real. You’re mine—or at least partially mine—and I’m yours. I gave you everything when I asked you to forgive me for what I did. You’ve seen the absolute worst of me and now—now I’m trying to show you the best. I’m trying to turn myself inside out for you so that you can see—I don’t know if I’d bring back the one woman I loved more than anything in the world because I love you, and I know that this is real. This has a future, if we do this right. You and me and Dean and Cayde—we can change it. We can stop this, and take our lives back. I don’t know what would have happened with Natalie butthis?” He swallows hard, looking down at me with those dark eyes, so dark they’re nearly black. “I can see where this goes, Athena. And I feel likeshitbecause I’m leaving her behind for you, and shedied. She’d be so fucking broken to know I loved someone else, wanted someone else as much or more than I loved and wanted her—”
Jaxon breaks off, his shoulders shaking, and he lets go of me as he sinks to his knees in the grass, shaking his bowed head. “Shit, Athena,” he mutters. “You brought me out here to help you, and I’m talking about myself—”
“It’s okay.” I sink down to the grass in front of him, taking his face in my hands and tilting it up so that he’s looking at me. He’s crying in earnest now, tears dripping down his cheeks, and he looks so vulnerable, younger than I’ve ever seen him. I can feel my broken heart cracking open anew for him, and I clutch his face in my hands, holding his gaze.
“It’s okay, Jaxon,” I whisper again. “We’re both grieving. We’re both hurt. This is the way we share that hurt that doesn’t break either one of us even more. This isn’t about you or me individually, it’s about what they’ve done tous. And what we’re going to do to take that back.”
He nods wordlessly, leaning into my touch, and in that moment, I know that he and I have more of each other than anyone else. I want Dean and Cayde, and there’s things that we share, but Jaxon knows me. In time, I think he’ll know me better than anyone, down to my core. And now I can see him, too.
It doesn’t make me love him any less, hearing all of this, seeing all of the raw, bleeding places laid open to me.
It makes me love him more.
“I think she would want you to be happy,” I whisper, looking into his eyes. “I didn’t know her, I know that. And I know it’s hard to speak for the dead. I can’t say for sure that what I’m about to do is what my mother would have wanted. Maybe she would have wanted to stay here, next to him, despite everything. But all I can do is what Ithinkis best, based on what I know. Andyouknew Natalie, Jaxon. You loved her, and she loved you. Fiercely, devotedly, completely. I don’t mind saying that out loud or knowing it.”
He blinks at me, his dark eyes still running over with tears. “You don’t?”
“No. It’s the truth, and it’s part of what made you who you are. And Iloveyou.” I look at him with fierce, wild eyes, holding him there. “What do you think, Jaxon? Do you think Natalie would have wanted you to grieve for her forever, living in nightmares, cracked open with pain every day, never loving anyone else, never being happy again, never feeling real joy because you were so eaten up with guilt?”
He swallows hard. “No,” he whispers thickly. “No, I don’t think so. She was—she was so bright. So full of life. She knew what it meant to bealive, and that’s why it’s so unfair that she died. If anyone should have died, it should have been me. I was born into a life I don’t even want, given a key to a birthright that I don’t want to fight for. She could have beenanything, and she chose me, and shediedfor it. She should have lived, Athena, she should have—”
Jaxon starts to cry again, great, gulping, shuddering sobs of guilt and pain, and I stroke his hair, pressing my forehead to his. “I know,” I whisper. “But you didn’t die. You’re still here. So fuckinglive.” I grip his hair in my fist, pulling his head back so that he’s looking up at me. “FuckingliveJaxon, just like I am, just like we all are. I’ve wanted to lay down and die a hundred times since my father died, since I saw my house burn to the ground, since Cayde and Dean made my life a living hell in high school, since I woke up in that manor, since I was abducted, since I lost my mother. But I’ve gotten back up every time. And so have you. Now do it again. And this time, remember who the fuck you are.”
“I’m not sure I know who that is anymore,” Jaxon murmurs. “I’ve been fighting just to stay afloat for so long that I don’t know if I remember.”