There’s no love between Connor and me, either. But if that’s true, why does my chest feel like it’s going to crack open as we scramble out of the car, looking for our men as the flames billow out of the building? I hear Sofia’s small scream, my stomach dropping sickly as I imagine what horrible thing she might have seen—and then I see the large group of soot-stained men gathered away from the building, and the relief I feel is palpable.
Where’s Connor? My father? Niall?I search the crowd wildly as Sofia starts to run for Luca, Caterina moving quickly towards where she sees Viktor. I catch sight of my father, sitting on the edge of a low wall with his head lowered, and I start to go to him. I can’t go to Niall, who is checking on the other men, and I don’t see Connor.
The sound of shattering windows whips my head around, and I catch sight of two men on a fire escape, scrambling down. Fire is bursting out of the windows all around them, and I let out my own cry of fear as I see that it’s Liam and Connor—and in the next instant see the fire escape tear away from the building, both of them clinging to it.
I clap my hand over my mouth as I watch them jump, frozen to the spot halfway to my father. I see them hit the sidewalk, see Connor roll, and then when he stands up, I feel almost dizzy from the second wave of bone-deep relief.
He’s alive. He’s safe.It takes everything in me not to run to him. I have to physically stop myself, going up on my toes as I clench my teeth because at that moment, seeing his soot-darkened auburn hair in the sun and his muscular body rising up from the concrete, facing his brother, I want nothing more than to race across the street and fling myself into his arms.
He could have died. I could have lost him forever, and everything else,everyoneelse fades in light of that fact, in light of the knowledge that I haven’t. That he’s alive, and we have more chances to fix this thing between us. To maybe find something more together than the bargain we struck.
I hadn’t realized until exactly this second how much I wanted that—or felt the weight of the knowledge so acutely that Connor doesn’t.
He hadn’t even let me know what was happening. He hadn’t bothered to alert me. Hadn’t bothered to say goodbye in case they didn’t make it out. That knowledge feels worst of all.
He doesn’t see me at first as he comes stumbling across the road, his gait stiff and halted from the fall, his coughing audible from where I’m standing.Allthe men are coughing, breathing with great difficulty, some of them sitting on the pavement.
I manage to wait until Connor is within a few feet of me before I go to him. “Connor!” I call out, saying his name urgently, unable to hide the breathy fear in my voice. His head snaps up, and for one moment, before he carefully blanks his face, I see something in his eyes that almost looks as if he’shappyto see me.
It vanishes almost instantly. His face hardens when he sees me, and his entire body stiffens as if he’s trying to look like he’s in less pain than he is.
“Saoirse.” There’s no emotion in his tone when he says my name. No hint that he’s glad to see me. That he thought about me at all while he was trying to escape the fire. It doesn’t surprise me, but it does hurt, as much as I want to pretend that it doesn’t.
If I went to Niall right now, he’d wrap me in his arms, pull me close and kiss my hair. I’d breathe in the smoke-stained scent of him and feel the hot press of his body and know that he’s alive, that he’s safe, that he was only thinking of me as he fought to get out.
I love you.
But I can’t go to him. Not here, in front of everyone. I couldn’t, even if I’d already fulfilled my part of my deal with Connor, and Niall and I were already lovers. I’ll never be able to show how I feel about him in public like this. We’ll never have that kind of relationship. I know he wants that, but he’s willing to give it up. For me.
And right now, I don’t even know if I want to go to him. What Iwant, more than anything, is to throw myself intoConnor’s arms, fold myself against his broad chest and let the fact that he’s alive settle over me.
Instead, the small space between us might as well be a gulf. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move to touch me, and I can’t be the one to do it first. My pride won’t let me, especially not when I feel so sure that he’ll reject me.
“You’re alright,” I breathe, looking up at him.
“I’m alive,” Connor says, one side of his mouth quirking up wryly. “’Alright’ is a bit of a stretch. I’ll be bruised and stiff tomorrow. But nothing’s broken or burned.” The words are punctuated by coughs, and I look at him worriedly.
“We should take you to the hospital. You must have inhaled a lot of smoke, and you might have cracked something in the fall—your ribs—you can’t be sure. A doctor should take a look at you—”
“No hospital.” Connor cuts me off abruptly. “I’ll be fine. I need a shower, a drink, a handful of ibuprofen, and sleep, in that order. I need to make sure my men are fine, and then I’ll head home. You can call an Uber or wait for me in the car.”
He turns away from me, his voice so dismissive that it cuts me to the core. It pisses me off as much as it hurts me, because I’ve always told myself I would never let a man get under my skin like this. I would never let any man have so much control over my emotions. Even after everything Liam put me through, I’d kept my head up and refused to let it get to me. Refused to let him wound me too deeply.
But Connor’s rejection of my attempts to show him I care hurt more than I would have ever imagined it could.
Is it just because he was my first? Some hormonal clinginess?I wonder as I watch him cross to talk to Jacob and his other men, studiously avoiding his brother and the other Kings. I start to walk toward my father, noticing the visible divide in the group and how Connor’s men have moved away almost instinctively. Whatever else happened before the fire, the Kings are still Liam’s for now, whether they like it or not.
I try not to look at Sofia and Caterina with their husbands; just the small glimpses I get hurt too much. Luca is cradling Sofia against his chest, his hands moving over her wavy dark brown hair, and I can tell from the way her shoulders are shaking that she’s crying. Caterina isn’t in Viktor’s arms, but from how they’re looking at each other as they talk in low voices, I can see that they’re just as emotional—just not given to displaying it in public.
My husband, on the other hand, is more engrossed in conversation with Jacob than he ever has been with me. I catch Niall’s gaze as I walk by, see the flash of emotion there and the way he stiffens, as if he has to keep himself from going to me in the same way I had to hold back from Connor. That hurts too, a new dart piercing my chest, because I know that no matter what happens between us, I can’t ever return his love in the way he wants to give it, not fully.
He deserves better than this.I know it’s true, but I’m not ready to let go of him yet, not ready to lose the only man who makes me feel valued for more than just what I can do for or give him.
“Saoirse.” My father’s voice is rough and hoarse from the smoke, his face pale and stained with soot as he looks up at me. “We made it out.”
“I’m glad.” A rush of emotion fills me as I lean down to hug him, feeling him stiffen with surprise. My father and I aren’t often affectionate with one another, though there is a bond of love between us. He just chooses to show it in different, more practical ways, and given that my family isn’t an affectionate one in general, I’ve rarely had the opportunity to express it in that way.
“Connor did well. He showed true leadership.” There’s a hint of respect in my father’s voice, and given the friction between them lately, I’m glad. We’ll all be better off if they can continue to get along, though I know ceding power to Connor will be difficult for my father—even more difficult than losing my devotion and loyalty.