Having pulled on sweats of my own and found my way to the kitchen to fix us some dinner, worry still gnawed in my gut. Recovering from her ordeal wasn’t a quick fix, nor would it be an easy one.
While I stood holding the cupboards open and hoping dinner ideas would jump out at me, Hallie shuffled up behind me. Her arms wove around my torso and clung on as if I was her only lifeline. And that was her telling me just how bad she hurt inside.
Chapter Twelve
Hallie
After a night plagued with replays and nightmares, I started the day exhausted, but needed to clear the air with Claire. The sooner the better. Avery was pissed that I left the apartment for the day, which resulted in a mini argument, then sex between coffee and breakfast.
Yesterday, during my most vulnerable state of mind, I’d told him that I loved him, and surprisingly, come morning, I still fucking meant it. However, saying it today without being foggy-minded from the post-mission haze made it more real. Disturbingly so. While I wouldn’t take it back, I still feared the sentiment would somehow change us.
While driving to the compound, I contemplated our many conversations and kept drawing back to those three little words. It took several miles for me to acknowledge that it wasn’t wordsthat had changed our relationship, but me crawling into his arms when I shattered was the pivotal moment.
Today, I put on a brave face. I couldn’t let him see how much I hurt inside; I’d already shown more weakness than I liked. I laid awake in his arms well into the small hours of the morning, replaying the last few days over and over in my head. My tears fell silently, and I locked away every sob that tried to escape. Those that made it through only emerged as the barest of shudders so I wouldn’t wake Ayve.
I wanted to scream and lash out and unleash the demons I’d brought back from Mexico. I wanted to drown them by using men, then cut them from my veins. Scrub my body so hard they’d be scoured from my memory.
If only.
The entire ordeal still pushed tears into my irritated, gritty eyes. I had to sniff and blink hard as I pulled up to the retina scanner at the compound gates. After staring at it without blinking, I pressed my thumb on the print scanner. The automated gates swung inward while I pressed my foot on the gas pedal.
“Halle-fucking-lujah,” I murmured when they finally clicked wide, giving me seconds to drive through before drifting closed again.
Jitters much like the day I first arrived at the compound whirled in my stomach. I owed Claire an explanation for my absence, but before going inside, I called her from my car.
She answered before the third ring. “Hallie.”
“Hey.”
Caution marred her tone. “How are you this morning?”
“Fine and dandy, as expected.”
“Are you coming inside, or are we having this conversation while you hide in your car?”
I snorted; of course she had eyes on me. I opened the driver’s door and brandished my middle finger at one of the compound perimeter cameras. “I’d rather not have it at all, to be honest.”
A scoff came through the phone. “Not an option, and put your fucking finger away,” Claire laughed.
“Fine,” I mumbled and climbed from my car. I ended the call as I made my way inside.
Claire waited with her arms crossed over her chest and one eyebrow arched when I entered the foyer. “You look like shit,” she opened with, then smirked.
“That’s a shame—I was aiming for ‘just fucked glamour’.”
She snickered and eyed my attire. “Cute sweats. Avery’s, I presume?”
I tskedbut was relieved we hadn’t cut straight to the “What the fuck was yesterday?” conversation. “All my other clothes need to be washed.”
Claire’s expression slid from jovial to empathetic and, acting completely out of character for our fearless leader, she wrapped me in her arms. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” The loving gesture only lasted seconds before she pulled away. “Now, go and change, Hallie. Shower, eat, fuck—whatever you need to do before joining me in the briefing room for a chat.”
Walking backward and splaying out my arms, I grinned to hide how breathless our pending meeting made me. “Already done two of those this morning; guess I’d better shower, then?”
Claire pressed a hand to her forehead. “Just fucking meet me there in an hour.”
“Sure, boss.” I faced her from inside the elevator and swiftly came to attention. Holding Claire’s focus, I gave her an on-fucking-point snappy salute, then grinned as the doors slid closed to seal me inside the elevator cart. Claire’s eyeroll had me snickering under my breath as I descended underground. I had an hour to kill before finding out if I still had a place on the team.
~*~