“You can always talk to him about it,” Mom said.
I could talk to Ryan about a lot of things, but I wasn’t sure how to talk about this one. And I didn’t know how to tell my mom that without making her feel bad. It was because of her I wanted to make things easier for Ryan. But it would be cruel to rub it in my mom’s face.
“Honey, a good man doesn’t come along every day. Especially not one as rich and handsome as Parker Conrad.” She winked at me.
I shook my head. Why did everyone keep bringing up his money? I didn’t want his money. I wanted to make my own money. But it seemed to be all anyone saw when they looked at him.
“I just don’t want to ruin things,” I said.
“You can’t ruin things by loving someone who loves you too. You’re all grown-ups. And you can choose who you want to love by now.”
Love was a strong word. I wasn’t there yet. Parker and I had only just really gotten to know each other as more than having Ryan in common. But what would happen if we continued seeing each other? Wasn’t that where these things led?
I wasn’t trying to see him again for my health.
“When I met your father, I was involved with someone else,” Mom said.
“Really?”
“Yeah, and he was serious about me, serious enough to talk about marriage. I just couldn’t do it when I knew the person I was meant to be with was ... someone else.”
I didn’t point out that Mom had cheated on Dad. Apparently, it had started out that way in the first place.
“What did you do?” I asked instead.
“I broke it off with the guy I was dating, and told your father how I felt about him. The only way to find your happy ending is by closing your eyes to jump. If Parker is the right guy for you, honey, he’ll catch you.”
“And if he doesn’t?” I asked.
“Then you’ll know,” Mom said.
I hadn’t been able to talk to my mom about things like relationships and boys in a long time. Since the moment we’d found out about her affairs, it had screwed everything up between us. Our conversations had become about money and my dad, about what was fair and what wasn’t, about how life could fall apart when it was meant to come together.
And I’d blamed her for hurting Dad, resented her for taking my idea of a happily-ever-after and pissing all over it. She was the one that should have been my example, I’d told her. The one who should have showed me how it was done.
But now, we were friends again. It was still strained, and I couldn’t talk to her about everything. But being able to tell her about Parker, and hearing her offer advice, felt good.
I’d missed this. I’d missed being with someone who could be there for me as my mom, rather than I having to raise her and be the adult in our relationship.
“Thanks, Mom,” I said. “I just don’t know how I feel about everything. I have so much to focus on. I’m scared that if I shift a bit of attention to Parker and it doesn’t work out, I might lose everything I’ve worked so hard for.”
“What-if can be a dangerous game to play, Emily,” Mom said. “You can ask yourself ‘what if’ about everything. What if you lose him as a client? What if he breaks your heart? What if Ryan loses his mind over this? What if it all goes wrong and you’ve invested too much to walk away without pain?”
She was right. That was exactly how I felt about it. I had all these questions and no way of answering them so that I could know which way to turn next.
“But you’re looking at it wrong,” Mom added. “You’re not supposed to ask ‘What if it all goes wrong?’ You’re supposed to ask ‘What if it’s meant to be?’ What if this makes you happy? What if he’s a dream come true? What if you’ve found your soul mate?”
I stared at my mom. It was such a simple mindset change. But everything looked different when I saw it that way. Mom wasn’t nearly as twisted when it came to love as I’d thought she was.
She’d made mistakes with my dad. She knew what she’d done was wrong.
And maybe she had a whole bunch of what-ifs she had to live with too.
But I could take her advice and apply it.
Because what if Ryan was okay with me and Parker being together?
What if Parker was falling for me the same way I was falling for him?