“H-hey, hey Bennie,” I call softly as I slowly approach the bed, afraid if I get too close, I might hurt him somehow, “I am here, brother. Should have been there today. I should have been there,” I mutter softly, doing exactly what the Commander warned me not to. Blaming myself for something I could likely not have stopped.
Bennie looks up at me with a frown, lifting his head just slightly towards his wife who sits beside him. I am surprised to see her there, if it was bad, they would not have let her up to see him until he was debriefed. When his eyes swing back to me, I can see he is tired, beat up, but he is still my best friend. I go closer, feeling foolish for acting so insane when he needs me.
“How are you doing? Don’t answer that, I can see you are doing shit,” I say with a laugh, smiling at his wife, “I am sorry I was not there with you.”
“I’m not,” he says with effort, closing his eyes as he takes a deep breath, “no one’s fault. Bad ignition in engine,” he struggles with his words, but I can tell he wants to get them out, “glad it was just me. If you were...would have been final countdown,” he explains, not that it makes much sense to me.
We talk for a while longer and I promise to come back with some good food and his favorite candy, even when his wife tells me she won’t allow it. We share a smile because we both know she will—both of us will do whatever it takes to make him feel better. After we head out, I give his wife a hug and tell her again how sorry I am, and that is when she stuns me.
“Do not be sorry, Parker,” she says gently but firmly, “you were too busy feeling guilty to pay attention to your partner. Bennie spun out while he was up there—his wingman was long gone. If it had been you, you would have stuck by his side and both of you might have lost control. He got down safe because of what you have taught him, Bird. You were not up there in your Hornet, but you were still up there with him.”
Embracing her again, I tell her I will be back, but I won’t bring him the sweets. She laughs and tells me to go ahead, he can’t eat them anyway. I catch up to the Commander and before I even get into the waiting jeep, I know I am in for it. Somehow, he knows just what I am thinking, and I hate that I am so transparent to him.
“Sat across from me the day we both met Perri and swore,” he stars in right away, voice low and menacing, “you were...did you say...besotted? Swore to me and her mother you would never hurt her, that you would take care of her. Something tells me that little panic attack you had back in Gator’s room is about you trying to take back those words. You going to make me clip your wings too? I can arrange a bed right next to Gator, son.”
Nodding, I do not miss his threat. He is coming in loud and clear. I did promise them I would never hurt her. I can’t imagine hurting her. My chest seizes and I double over in pain at the idea of her hurting. Thinking that she could be hurting because of me makes it even worse. I stayed away from women for so long because I never wanted to hurt one the way I watched my father hurt all the women he had in his life. The way he hurt my mother.
But today I hurt the first woman I ever tried to get close to. Who is to say I won’t do it again? And if I am like my father, again, and again, and again. I can’t stand the idea of hurting her. But I am frustrated that I left my best friend hanging and got so twisted up over a woman I just met.
“When I met Perri’s mother, I knew too,” the Commander says, a smile in his voice that makes me pay attention as he continues, “you said you knew how I felt, and hell, son, maybe you did. I looked at her and I just knew. I had tried marriage once before, but it was a hassle. Got in the way and we could not get along for very long. This time.... duty no longer mattered to me. Whenever I was away from her, even in those first days, I felt this...hole, a big, aching, stupid damn hole in my chest. I thought it might go away but...it still hasn’t, and I don’t think it ever will. If you have that hole in your chest,” he pauses, reaching out to thump me in the chest, where there is in fact a hole from being away from her, “don’t be an idiot, Parker.”
Before I can reply, I realize we are back at my place. He says nothing, just gives me a nod and dismisses me from the Jeep. We will talk more later about Bennie’s accident, but not tonight. I thank him for going with me and for his advice, before I head in. When I get inside, I almost want to turn around and rush back out. I want to ask him what I should do, if I should really follow what my heart is telling me when my head is arguing not to.
Once I step inside, my head gets on board with everything else. I smell her sugary, fruity scent and immediately I am hard. And I realize I missed her even though we were apart for just a short time. I go to find her, pausing as I pass the kitchen. The mess I made earlier when I got the call is cleaned up. I blink in surprise and get hit with another punch of guilt.
How could I have been such an asshole to her earlier? I recall the pinch of pain on her beautiful face, the anguish in her light eyes when I stormed off. All she wanted to do was console me. Jesus, what was I thinking? I pick up the pace, rushing down the hall and checking all the rooms before I head upstairs. Before I even get to the bedroom, I know what I am going to find.
When I throw open the door and find the bed made, I almost fall to my knees. Sitting at the edge of the bed is a neatly folded shirt. It’s my favorite shirt, a band shirt from a local band that got big. Perri was wearing it when I saw her last. With the bed made, the kitchen cleaned up, and that goddamn shirt left there for me, I know how epically I fucked up.
Perri is gone and I need to get her back.