Chapter Nine
Parker
Darting through the streets, I am awash with guilt.
Guilt that my best friend went down because I was not there acting as his wingman. And because someone has to tell his family that he was hurt—or maybe worse. I don’t know, they didn’t give me many details. I feel wretched for how I left home after I heard, but I had to get out of there.
Since I met Perri just days ago, I have spent every single moment with her. I took a few days leave, got her situated at my place, and showed her around town a little. We spent our days tangled up in one another, talking, laughing, planning a life together now that we found each other. Until this morning though, part of me still dismissed it as a hot and heavy fling.
Not anymore—not now that I have taken her as mine.
Making love to her was a spiritual thing. I said over and over the past few days that she was mine and I meant it, but until I took her for real, claimed all the parts of her body and heart as mine, I could not know how deeply I meant it. I was so taken by her on sight, that it was like being up in the clouds, flying blind but loving every second of it.
When I sunk deep inside of her this morning for the first time, our souls twined together in a way I never knew was possible. I ache being away from her and I cannot wait to get back to her, but it makes no sense. Sure, we learned plenty about one another the past few days, but we do not really know one another.
What I do know is that I want to take care of her, but I don’t know if I can. I have a duty to fulfill, I still have another year at least in service. I cannot just spend all my days with her, even if I want to. Today is a stark reminder that my duty has to come before everything else, even the woman I love.
Slamming on the brake as I reach base, I blink in shock.
Yeah. Yes, that feels right. I am in love with Perri. I want to be with her forever, I knew it from the first moment. I never believed in that sort of thing, but I can’t deny it now. I looked at her and I saw my future. I saw her pregnant with my child, maybe a little one already tottering around. I saw myself coming home to her and spoiling her the way I know she deserves.
I saw a chance to be happier than I have ever been in my life.
But how can I possibly let myself have that if I let my partner, my best friend, down the way I did today? I should have been there with him. I am supposed to watch his six. Those patrols may be routine most of the time, but there is a reason we do them. Hearing that there was action during Gator’s morning patrol that sent his plan down infuriates me.
Climbing off my bike, I get just a few feet before I see the Commander. He paces by the front entrance—the same place I last saw Gator—puffing at his cigar. He smokes whenever he is agitated and judging by how far gone that stogie is, he’s mighty agitated. When he spots me, he jerks his head and I pick up the pace to meet him.
“How bad is it? Is he...I mean...is it bad, Commander?” I sputter the words, my heart pounding in my chest as I wait for his answer.
Grant Scott never sugar coats things or pulls any punches. He is a known as a hard man to work for, but those of us who can deal with the tough stuff, we get the best of him. He may have had Gator and I do stupid shit like wash his hideous Corvette or pick up his dry-cleaning, but he was also there for us. He was there when we took our exams, when Gator wanted to propose to his wife and was terrified, and for me whenever I have a meltdown because I grew up not knowing how to let good things in my life.
He puffs at his cigar and lets out a plume of smoke. “He is stable. Bad concussion and some breaks, he won’t be able to fly again for some time. He was uh...he was asking for you when he was taken to the hospital. Figured we ought to go see him right away. They said he should make it out of this,” he states in a tone that sounds incredulous. I let out the breath I have been holding since I got the call.
“I should have been there,” I mutter, rubbing at the back of my neck and yanking at a fistful of hair, “if was there, this never would have happened. I do not know what the hell I was thinking, Grant,” I realize my voice is trembling and a new wave of guilt crashes down on me.
I let him down too. The one person who always believed in me, who never let me give up on myself. I lost my focus entirely since I met Perri. I have not been able to think of anything else but her. Maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe it would have been worse if I had been up there today. What good could I have done Gator if I was up there, thinking about Perri?
“Get out of your own head, boy. Let’s go see your partner, we can deal with the rest of this later,” he suggests, finishing his cigar as we head towards a waiting jeep, both of us climbing in the back.
We are quiet as we head to the hospital, lost in our own thoughts. I get a brief glimpse at the crash site, my guts twisting up as I hold back bile. It could have been worse. It could have been so much worse. Hell, it could have been me. I swallow back the panic at the idea of that, wondering why it hits me so hard suddenly.
There has always been risk in what we do. Every single time we go up in the air, we know we might not come back. Even if we are not on a mission or in war times, anything can happen up there. An engine could fail, we could lose pressure, the variables are endless. I risk my life every time I climb into the cockpit but before, that was what kept me doing it.
When I had nothing to live for, it was an easy choice.
Now, now I am not so sure how I can do this.
“You cannot blame yourself. It was not enemy fire, it was not an attack, it wasan accident, Bird. They happen no matter who is there or who is not. Gator can’t blame you either and if he does, well, he’s not the man I thought he was. You also,” his voice changes and I turn to glance at him, “you have to be sure you keep this,” he waves a hand at the base we are leaving behind us, “away from her. It is a separate kind of love, our love of duty, son.”
Watching him for a moment, I can see how changed he is. How much lighter his eyes are, how there is an ease to how he carries himself. Because he is happy. Because he fell in love with Perri’s mother. He is not less of the person he was before they met—he is just changed.
At the hospital, we are led down a long corridor with blinding lights and too much noise and activity. By the time we get to the room in ICU, I am sweating. My stomach turns as I follow the Commander inside. I stop just a few feet into the room, my vision blurring. The room spins and acid coats my tongue as I stumble.
“Keep it together,” Commander’s voice reaches through the fog and I nod, swallowing my apprehension.
Seeing Bennie lying there with the machines buzzing and his body broken brings tears to my eyes. Not just because he is my best friend and my partner, but because I feel responsible for it. I am so angry for a moment, I am shaking. I am so goddamn pissed off that I let myself get so sidetracked. That I let myself get so tangled up so fast with Perri.
Waking up with her in my bed, the room smelling of her perfume and sex had convinced me I was living my best life. I started to fix us breakfast, although it was late afternoon because I let my baby girl get her sleep, when I got the call. After I fed her, I had plans to fuck her, spoil her, then repeat the day over and over until the end of time. Now I realize what a fool I was.