“I didn’t want to come home,” I plead with her to stop sounding so disappointed. “You are battling this merger and restructure. I’ve already messed up enough with the viral thing. The press would run away with this and make you look like a bad mother. You know that. I know that. You can’t hire me to help you for my great ideas and judgment in the music industry when I ran away to hide after I embarrassed myself and then got knocked up by a Canadian boy. Where is the good judgment in that?”
I’m desperate for her to understand me. She’s quiet for long enough that I have to check that she didn’t hang up on me.
“We need you. Everything is falling apart without you. Lisa is furious I gave your job to Dru. I haven’t seen Dru in over a week, and your father has been on my ass about you, and now that you tell me this, I guess he was correct in his feeling that something wasn’t right. I want to hop on a plane and see you. I want to bring you home.”
“No. No one can know I’m here. Wait until you’ve finalized everything. Once it’s all in place and you are secure, then the way they smear me through the press will help you, not hold you back.”
“You’re my child. Not a marketing tool.” Anger flares through her voice, and it rips me open straight through my chest.
“You know I’ve always been a marketing tool, Mama,” I whisper. “Whether you wanted me to be or not. My private life has always been at the centre of your public life. The divorce, the MS, the channel, the runaway. All of it.”
“Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe it will be good news. Exciting news. You say you’re living with this guy. Are you dating? Are you in love? Can you go public with how you met and fell for each other on your trip, like an adventure romance that ended with a happy accident? We could spin this, Nova.”
Tears pool in the corners of my eyes, and I sit up, crossing my legs under me. This way, my nose won’t get so stuffed up. She sounds as desperate as me to get us back together, and I’m so close to telling her about the blackmail. About the video she doesn’t know about. The person who claims to know precisely how to destroy my family. This person has dirt on all of us. Of course, they do because the cleanest homes hide the dirtiest secrets. We are perfection on the outside. On the inside, we are human, and that’s not good enough when you live like we do.
“We’re not together,” I say, surprised at how much it hurts to say it. I want to be with him. I want him. I crave being around him. I hurt when he disappears into his moods.
There’s a bang on my door, and I crush my eyes shut.
“Nova?” Zeke calls.
“I have to go,” I whisper. “I’ll call you later. I love you.”
I hang up on her and make my way to the door, opening it a crack. Zeke’s looking at his feet with his hands in his pockets.
“Who were you talking to?” he asks.
“No one. Do you need something?” I ask quickly, and he snaps to meet my gaze with a suspicious furrow on his brow.
“I’m taking Tabby out to Morleau to pick up the RV. If you want to say goodbye.”
There’s a wobble to his voice, and he clears his throat. I want to know why he refuses to feel things. I need to understand why he wants to push this all down. I cried three times last night, and I’ve only known Tabby for a few months.
Her departure will significantly affect this family, and not one of them will fucking admit it.
“I said goodbye last night. This is for you and your family. I don’t want to get in the way.”
His shoulders tense, and he opens his mouth to argue but then stops himself.
“Okay, I guess I’ll see you later, then.” He spins and walks away, pulling his hands from his pockets and clenching his fists, then stretching his fingers, then doing it all over again. That’s what I do when my hands go numb. When the stress becomes too much to handle, and I begin to shut down.
“Zeke,” I call after him, and he freezes, looking over his shoulder at me. Everything about him is the personification of avoidance. Run and hide. “I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
He pinches his mouth tight and nods.
Then he’s gone.