Chapter Eight
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Rene
I turn and run. I want to run from the house. I want to get as far away as I can but I don't have any money to go anywhere. I don't have anything. I'm right back where I started when my mother abandoned me.
Bunny!
I have Bunny. I look for her in the living room but don't find her. Then I hear something knock against the wall of the bathroom in the front hall. Bingo. God, I shouldn't kill her mood like this but I need someone to tell me everything is going to be alright - even if it's not.
I only hesitate for a second before I'm knocking – banging - on the door. Fox is the one who answers me. Oh God! He must think I'm the biggest idiot he's ever seen. It certainly explains why he was acting so strange over breakfast. He has to know Evan's feelings towards me.
"It's me, I need Bunny. Now!"
"Give us a minute."
While I wait I take the opportunity to dry my face and pull myself together enough not to fall apart on Fox when he opens the door. He's been like my older brother from the day I moved in and I really would love to cry on his shoulder about the asshole that broke my heart but that asshole - is his father. So I can't really do that with him now.
Hell, for all I know he might want me gone too. Clearly, I can't judge how someone feels about me, just look at the mess I've made with Evan. I could think he wants me to be his sister but really he just wants me to stop banging his father and go away so he doesn't have to worry about being the laughing stock of the town.
As soon as we're in my room I lock the door and burst out crying again. This time though I have Bunny to sob to which does make it a little better. I tell her my shame and all that Evan said to me about wanting to just forget it happened and how I was a mistake. It hurts to even think.
"Rene, I'm sure he didn't mean you were a mistake. He's just...,"
"He asked me to leave." She looks as shocked as I first was. "He said it would be best if I moved out." I feel another bout of tears start as I slump over into her arms.
Bunny knows how devastating this is for me, that the Reeds were my first real home, the first place I felt safe. I don't have any way to pay for anything. Food? How the hell am I going to pay for food? I was stupid for allowing myself to be so comfortable that I didn't think I had anything to worry about because Evan would take care of me. He took care of me alright. He got his dick wet right before he showed me the door.
"I can't believe I gave it up to him. I thought he felt this too." But he didn't. He never did. I was only fooling myself. And now I only have myself to blame. Guess it's time to start the family business of whoring myself out for my next meal and place to stay. The thought of someone else touching me just makes me cry harder.
"You can come stay with me. You'll be safe with us and can get back on your feet."
I look into her eyes and can see she means it. "Yeah? You won't mind that I'm an eighteen-year-old fuck up who got kicked out of her last home for fucking the wrong person."
"Well, Mom's gone all the time and I don't get down that way so I don't think we have anything to be afraid of there." She looks over at me and waggles her eyebrows at me and I burst into giggles. I hug her hard.
"I love you, Bunny."
"I love you too, Rene." At least my best friend is really my best friend because she chooses me not because she had no other option.
"Never trust boys, Bunny." I want her to know what I had to learn the hard way. "They're all liars." My mother tried to teach me this from an early age but I was too stupid, too hopeful, to believe her. I could have protected my heart if I had just followed her advice about men.
Marnie Adams thought the only thing men were good for is a quick fuck and a paycheck and if they weren't giving you both it was time to hit the road and move on to someone else who could. 'Never give 'em your heart Rene, they'll just abuse it until there's nothing left of it for yourself.' God, it makes me want to throw up knowing she was right all along.
"So now that you know where you're going, what's next?"
"Next...I guess I need to start packing." She looks around my room. "Just clothes, I don't want to take anything else from this house," I grab my gym bag and a duffel from the closet..., "or this life."
I want to leave it all behind. For a while, we just go through my clothes and fold and pack them away. I try not to think too much about anything. Tonight is when it's going to be bad. I know from experience it's always worse at night. Then your brain has time to go over every bad decision you've ever made in your life. Tonight I'm going to be listening to the echoes of Evan's voice telling me I was a mistake this entire time. I know it's going to happen so there's no use trying to think about it now when I'm up and can actually do something to help myself.
I keep hearing my mother's voice loud enough in there already telling me how stupid I was and how she's always right. If she's right about one thing maybe she's right about everything. Maybe I should just go for the quick easy fuck and let some man put me up in a house and tell me pretty lies until we're both through with one another. I've given my innocence away to a man who didn't care. He didn't even know. So what do I have to lose?
"I think I want to start dating." Bunny looks at me like I might have lost my mind. I realize I'm the last person who should start talking about dating now. "Just bear with me for a minute, all this time I've saved myself: my body, my kisses, my affection, and for what? So some man can come along and hurt me." I cringe at the fact that I sound just like my mother. It makes my heart weep that I'm going to turn into someone just like her. "I want to date. Will you help me create a profile on that dating app Mary told me about?"
I mention a girl both me and Bunny knew from school. She has a good heart but not a lot of brains. She had all the latest toys and new things because of who she dated. I think the app is called Sugar something or other. I go for my backpack to fish out the website she gave me when I asked her how she could afford all of it.
I convince Bunny to help me. It takes me more than a minute but she's a good friend. Even when she sees the name of the app she doesn't leave me or say I'm being crazy. It takes a long time to fill out all their forms and take a picture for my profile. I go with the sugar baby theme and put my hair up in pigtails and give the phone a sultry look - or as much of one as I can, considering I don't have a fucking clue what the hell I'm doing.