Chapter Seven
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Rene
I woke up alone this morning. I guess I'm kind of glad since it gave me time to talk to Bunny about what happened and get myself together so I don't come off as a love-sick kid to Evan. I want him to think of me as mature enough to handle the romance between him and me. It also made it easy for me to hide the evidence of last night's surprise. If Evan didn't know I was a virgin and he didn't take a good look at the sheets I took off the bed this morning then maybe he won't ever find out until he's so in love with me he won't care.
When I come down with Bunny, Fox is the only one sitting at the table. I thought I would see Evan and I'm a little let down that he hasn't come to find me today. "Where's Daddy?"
I guess I need to stop calling him Daddy in front of Fox since he knows about us. He doesn't seem like he cares that I'm in love with his father. Bunny was shocked at first but then she gave me a hug and told me how happy she was for me.
There is something up with Fox though. He might not be concerned about me and his father but something is...off about him. He's acting almost like he's trying to fake his happiness. I'll have to pull him aside and make sure he really is alright with me and his dad. He wouldn't lie to me.
When I leave, Fox and Bunny are sitting with their heads together whispering and it makes me want to smile and run and give them a huge hug. I can't believe me and my best friend are in love at the same time. Nothing could be more perfect than this.
I go to Evan's office and knock but I don't get an answer. When I try the handle I find out he's locked me out again. "Evan?"
"I'm on a conference call, Rene." His voice does not sound like the voice of a man who is happy about having a good time last night. I walk away giving him his work time but thoughts - dark thoughts that I don't like - keep swirling through my head.
I didn't do something he didn't want, did I? I didn't force him to do something just because I was too blind to see it was just a bodily thing and not really love? Is he pissed about me not being very enthusiastic during sex? I mean for a good part of the time I did just lie there but I would have been on top and done all the work if he wanted me to. He would have to teach me a little more but I'm a fast learner.
What if he doesn't want to have to teach someone how to make love? What if that's the problem? I can read and I'll start watching porn all the time if it helps. I try to stay positive but as the day wears on and still no sign of Evan, I start going to even darker places. What if he does have a girlfriend like I first thought and I made him cheat on her because he couldn't get away from me? I can't sit here anymore and wait for him to come find me.
When I'm standing in the hall I realize suddenly how this could all go horribly wrong for me. Why didn't I think of all the wrong stuff yesterday? Or the day before? As I come closer to his door I can hear him talking. He must be on another call. This time I hear someone laughing with him. It's a woman's voice.
She says something mumbled and Evan laughs too. The sound breaks my heart. He...he does have a girlfriend and he ran from me to call her. Probably to tell her what I made him do so they can work together to fix the problem. I'm the problem!
I knock but he doesn't say anything. He's ignoring me or maybe he just didn't hear me over the two of them laughing. "Evan?"
"Hold on just a second, Angela, someone's knocking." I hear shuffling papers. "I'm on a phone call it better be important, Rene."
I stand there for a little while floored that this could be the same man from last night. The one who made me feel so loved. I knock again but this time I do it louder. Who gives a shit if she hears me knocking on his fucking door? If she loved him so much she should have quarantined with him!
"Evan, I'm not going away so open the door or we'll have this talk through it."
I hear him tell the woman he has to go because something came up. I came up. So sorry to interrupt you're laughing spree I just need to smack the man behind this door for being such an asshole.
He comes over to the door and I push past him. He never kept pictures of anyone else but me and Fox in his office. "Who was on the phone?"
He looks lost for a moment and then he backs away from me, "That's none of your business, Rene."
It was his girlfriend. My heart breaks in my chest even as I grow madder and madder on the outside. "It is my business. After what we did last night it very much is my business that you're laughing with some woman when you won't let me in. Who is she?"
All he has to do is tell me. Tell me she's is his girlfriend, that I made him do what he did last night, that he couldn't help it because he's a man like all the men my mother brought around. But Evan does something even worse.
"Last night can't happen ever again so both of us need to put it behind us." He wants me to put my first time 'behind' me, to just forget. How...how can someone be so cold and cruel? I thought I knew him. He runs his hands through his hair and for the first time I see how tired he looks. He never went to sleep with me last night after we made love...fucked. How could he fuck me last night and just go back to his girlfriend while keeping me a secret? Putting it behind us is code for keeping it a secret - like I was a mistake.
"I thought...You were supposed to love me."
"I'd take it all back if I could." His words have the ability to cut through me. He does think I'm nothing but a mistake. I can't fight the tears that course down both of my cheeks at his words. They kill me.
For how long? How long has he thought I was his mistake to take care of, to hide, to wait it out so I wouldn't be his to worry with any longer? Just some kid his ex-wife dumped on him but he didn't want to send her to the orphanage because that would look bad. "I think...it might be better if you move out."
I'm going to pass out. No matter how many times I wipe the tears away they just keep coming. He never wanted me here to begin with. Why? Why would he pretend to be so kind and so...wonderful?! Why didn't he just act like everybody else?
"You could start looking for a place now and be out as soon as the quarantine is lifted."
He doesn't have to take care of me now that I'm eighteen, no more hiding his fuck up. I'm not his concern any longer so he wants me gone. As soon as possible.
"I'm so stupid." It was all a lie. A pretty one but nonetheless a lie. He lied to me. I lied to myself. I take a step back and bump into a little end table with a picture of me sitting on his lap in a frame. I grab for the table to right it and look down at what I've done. It was taken on father's day last year. It was about the time I realized how much I really love him and not just as my guardian. Now glass is everywhere and the frame is broken just like all of me.
He won't look at me. I guess having your mistake stare you in the face every day is just too much, even for someone as 'good' as Evan. I pull the necklace I'm wearing from my neck and throw it at him. I don't want to ever be reminded of the one time I forgot all the lessons my mother taught me about men.