I turn to him, feeling incredibly tired.
“Do you have feelings for this guy?” he asks softly.
I can still feel Anton’s cum inside me, staining my panties. If I concentrate, I can pick out his scent on me. Musky and masculine, just like Freya said. I can imagine his gray eyes boring into mine. The way his hands laid claim on my body. The way he said my name.
Like it all meant something to him.
You’re beautiful when you talk about what you love.
“Holy shit, Jessa.”
Chris’s angry curse snaps me out of my reverie. I can’t even bring myself to deny anything anymore. Not just because I know I won’t sound convincing. But because I know he won’t believe me even if I do.
“It… it’s out of my control now, Chris,” I tell him. I don’t even know what I’m talking about.
He walks right up to me and grabs both my hands. “It’s all in your control, Jess. You just refuse to believe you have the power to choose. Don’t let this son of a bitch get in your head.”
I don’t say a word, but it’s pretty obvious what I’m not saying: he’s already in my head.
“Fuck,” Chris spits, letting go of my hands and running his palm over his face. “Even after you saw him murder a man, it’s like that?”
“It’s not like he was an innocent victim,” I say, despising the justification even as it comes out of my mouth. “He was an arms dealer.”
“So he deserved to die? Is that it?”
“It’s a different kind of world, Chris,” I tell him. “It works by different rules.”
“Do you even hear yourself right now?”
“He’s not going to hurt me,” I protest. “If that’s what you’re worried about. He won’t hurt me.”
“Because you think he cares about you like you care about him? Or are you just hoping that’s true?”
“Is it really so hard to believe that he could care about me?” I ask.
First Freya, now Chris. Maybe I am pathetic.
“Maybe right now, no. But long term?” Chris asks. “Seriously? Genuinely? Yes, I think it’s going to be hard for you to keep his interest. He’s going to use you and when you stop amusing him, he’s going to get rid of you.”
I cringe. A second later, I hear Anton’s own words in my head.
“Gonna ditch me as soon as you get bored?” I’d asked.
He just shrugged. “Maybe.”
I swallow and shake my head to clear the cobwebs. “Chris, look—I know that this could possibly be the stupidest decision I’ve ever made in my life. And I’m including Dane in that, just for the record. But I have to do this.”
“No, the fuck you don’t.”
I sigh. “Just trust me.”
“Trust you?” he says. “Not likely.”
That stings. I can’t keep the hurt from my face, so I drift away from him. His grimace falls. “Damn it, Jess, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”
“Yes, you did. And I can’t say that I blame you.”
I collapse back on the sofa, feeling completely defeated. And still, I’m aware of my longing for him. For the gray-eyed god who dropped me off like Freya’s trash and drove away without looking back.