“But why? It feels good. I feel good. I sleep better with you next to me.”
“Because of moments like this. Me taking advantage of you.” He tries to spring his arm free from my grip, but I don’t let go of him. I also notice he’s not fighting that hard, like maybe he’s reluctant to leave when things feel so good, too. “I’m supposed to be your guardian—”
“Who says?” I demand.
“Me. I say. Someone needs to look out for you—”
“Like a kid?” I taunt, grinding my backside back against his erect shaft. “Like a sister?”
He pants like he’s running a race. I feel his head pressing against mine again. “Okay, good point. You win. You’re not a kid. You’re not my sister.”
Which means we can do this…and more. Which is good, because it feels really fascinating. I press down against him. “Maybe I don’t need a protector,” I point out. “Maybe I need a teacher. Someone to show me what feels good so I don’t have to wonder and watch the vids that the guards give me.”
Mathiras jerks against me, sitting up. “Wait. More of the guards are giving you vids? Damn it, Helen. I thought we’d talked about this.”
Shoot. Now he’s too distracted for rubbing. Frustrated, I blow out a breath and let go of his arm. “They didn’t give me more,” I point out. “They just gave me the same ones…back. So I could keep them.”
He makes an angry sound, climbing out of bed over me and adjusting the tent in the front of his uniform. “Those keffing perverts—”
“They’re not perverts,” I defend hotly. Sure, they were staring a lot when they gave me the vids and asked me my opinion of a lot of things to the point that it felt weird, but they’re still my friends. “I know what perverts are. Perverts pinch you in uncomfortable places and make you squirm.”
Mathiras paces back and forth in his room, raking a hand through his messy hair. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so rattled. “Trust me. They’re perverts.”
“How would I know? No one tells me anything!” I say, sitting up and glaring at him. “You all keep protecting me like I’m a child, and I’m not! I want to know about the good stuff just as much as anyone! If I have to get it from dirty vids, then I will!”
He goes still. He stares at me thoughtfully, a tortured expression on his face.
CHAPTER 20
MATHIRAS
Maybe I’m going about this all wrong.
Maybe instead of trying to protect Helen, I need to show her what a good relationship looks like—what consent and good sexual touches feel like—so she won’t go seeking out the information on her own.
Or am I just a keffing pervert myself for thinking that? It’s crazy.
It’s clear she wants to experiment and push her boundaries. It’s also clear to me that I can’t get her out of my mind, but helping her with her sexual awakening is not something a good guardian would do. As tempting as the thought is, I push it aside.
I have to give her something. I know Helen, and the mutinous look in her eyes as she gazes up at me promises trouble if I don’t acknowledge how she’s feeling. I have to bend a little so she’ll think she’s winning and not come after me harder. What’s next, her insisting we shower together? Me washing her? I bite back a groan at the thought, because kef me, my hands are itching to touch her. “If you want to sleep with me,” I manage to choke out, “we need boundaries.”
That makes her hurt expression soften. “Boundaries?”
“Pants. If you’re going to sleep with me, we both need to wear pants.”
Her eyes grow ever-so-slightly feral, and her hand slides between her thighs. “Because of rubbing?”
“Helen,” I warn. If she keeps touching herself, I’m going to lose my damned mind. “I’m trying to compromise with you. Be fair.”
It’s the “compromise” word that gets her. She puts both her hands above the blanket and gives me an innocent look. “All right. Let’s compromise. I get to sleep with you, and we both wear pants.”
I nod. “I’m not sure why you want to sleep with me, given that my bed isn’t very big, but if you insist, then we’ll make it work.” After all, I managed to not go crazy with her in my bed in the past. I can manage a few more weeks of it. I hope.
Helen looks down at the bed, toying with the edge of the blanket. She shrugs, and her posture is so defeated that I feel like a monster for making her feel bad. “I just…I’m not used to sleeping alone. My room feels small and cold when it’s just me. I don’t really like it. I lie there in the dark and it makes me worry about Ruth and Jade and Alice, and if they’re all right, and if they’ve forgotten about me.” She picks at the blanket. “Being with you is warm and comforting. It reminds me of being on the mining station, because you protected me and made me feel safe. I like being with you.”