“No, but that’s what I’m trying to tell you,” I cry out, sniffling with shame. “I’m just trying to describe my reality. My family couldn’t help me, and I was a desperate single mother-to-be. I had no support system. You know I turned to City Girls because I was on the verge of bankruptcy, and it was my only real option to keep things together. I was so stressed and terrified that even as an expectant mother, I did that.”
Rick looks horrified, and I lean forwards again, tears rolling down my cheeks as I take his hand.
“You have been so good and kind to me, and to my child as well. I couldn’t ask for a better man to be in our lives, and I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. I’m just saying that I can’t go through that experience again. The crippling anxiety and daily panic attacks were too much. It scarred me, perhaps permanently, and I can’t have another child.”
Rick shakes his head.
“But you’d have me this time around.”
I nod sorrowfully.
“I know, but the memory is just too recent. I can’t do it, Rick. Becoming a mother again would tear me apart, and probably kill me this time around. I mean it. This is not an exaggeration.”
Rick smiles bitterly but says nothing.
“I’m so sorry,” I bawl through my tears, really letting loose now. “I know that being a father is important to you, but I think it’s important to be honest about where I stand as well. I don’t want more children, not yet, and maybe not ever. Is that a deal-breaker for you? I know sometimes having a biological child is of utmost importance to some people, and I’ll understand if you decide yes.”
I bite my bottom lip hard, sobbing, and my man’s wounded expression tells me more than any words could.
“I don’t know,” he says in a quiet tone. “This isn’t the answer I was expecting, Hannah, and I have to say that you’ve taken me by surprise. I don’t know how I feel about this revelation.”
My tears spring up anew.
“So what happens now? Oh Rick, I love you so much, you have to know that I do. But I can’t, I won’t change my mind on this, at least not any time soon.”
He inhales, looking miserable.
“Please, Hannah. Please consider it. At least keep that corner of your mind open to possibility.”
His plea nearly breaks my heart because I know a powerful alpha male doesn’t generally beg. I hang my head, so ashamed and unhappy as well.
“Of course I will, and I’m so sorry that it has to be like this, Rick. It’s just how I feel, and I can’t promise anything else. I hope you understand.”
We lapse into silence as this new reality descends, and my lover’s anguish and suffering are palpable in the air. I swear that Rick looks like he’s going to cry too, and my heart breaks all over again because I know I did this to him. I can make different choices, and give the generous billionaire what he wants most in life. But at the same time, I know I can’t because my lived reality is still vivid in my mind, and I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to learn from my past experiences, and if that means being honest to the point of breaking us up, then I have to do it.
10
Rick
I trudge into a bar downtown and grimace as I take in the crowd: it’s a bunch of Wall Street types in suits as well as some attractive-enough young girls dressed in skimpy outfits. All of them are preening and posing, trying to get each other’s attention while getting drunk off their asses. It’s a typical night, and honestly, the exact opposite of my mood right now.
But then my buddy Cade’s voice rings out over the noise.
“Hey, Rick!” he shouts. “Over here.” I turn around to see my friend beckoning toward the front counter, a glass of whiskey in one hand. A young blonde hangs onto the back of his chair, her eyes roving over me appreciatively as I approach. Unfortunately, I’m already taken and merely nod politely in her direction.
“Cade,” I state blandly. “I thought it was just going to be us tonight.” To be honest, I’m not amused by the woman’s avid stare, nor am I in the mood to witness my buddy’s wild side either.
He smiles wickedly. “Oh come on man, has Hannah got you whipped?” Cade shakes his head at my blank expression. “Guess so. Fine. Here, babe,” he hands the woman a glass of wine the bartender has just set in front of him. “Come back in an hour, or as soon as this asshole leaves. You and me,” he promises. “I’ll make it worth your while.”