Fuck.
‘Daddy?’ says Harper, her eyes wide in confusion. I know she’s not following all of this but she knows enough to get it, and from the look of mirth on Willow’s face, her big sister likely knows more than she’s letting on.
‘I can ring the agency right now?’ she says, pulling what looks like an ancient phone out of her purse and swinging it back and forth between her thumb and forefinger. ‘Ask for a reassignment?’
I look away and my eye catches the family portrait we had taken three years ago, when Harpy was still crawling, Willow had barely turned four, and Thea wasn’t a mirror image of me and my damaged soul. My wife’s frozen face looks down from it, smiling over the dinner table at all of us, and my stomach wrenches with guilt.
I’m going to regret this.
I breathe out and close my eyes. ‘Fine.’
‘Yes,’ she hisses under her breath as my eyes snap open, and I see she’s looking down at Harper, and the two of them are high-fiving as Willow bounces around in a tight little circle.
‘Can I show her my unicorn now?’ my littlest girl bleats.
‘Sure you can, Harpy,’ I say. ‘Then bring Miss Miller back down. I want to talk to her. Alone.’
‘Please, call me Mackenzie,’ she says as the three of them turn away, with Willow skipping ahead.
‘Are you a Princess?’ says Harper, looking up at her with that little screwed up expression of concentration that I love so much.
‘As a matter of fact, I am,’ she says, flashing her hazel eyes at me. ‘Now let’s go find that unicorn of yours before it poops all over your bed.’
I watch as they walk off, my heart thumping so hard in my chest that it hurts.
Goddamn.
There’s something wrong with me. I’m attracted to a girl more than half my age. But there’s something about her, something beyond her years that’s talking to me on a level that I can’t understand right now.
Bottom line is, I can’t touch her, and I shouldn’t want to.
I look up at the portrait of us all again, at how my wife’s smile catches the light around this time of day, and I feel that crushing guilt once more. I can’t look at her. I turn away and face the wall, and my blood runs cold as I close my eyes and breathe. I really can’t do this, it isn’t right. As much as I want to, and goddamn do I want to, the fact is I don’t have a choice. I need her because I can’t do this alo-
And then I hear Red say the words. ‘So when does your mummy get home?’ and the world slows to treacle.
Fuck.
My heart darkens as I turn around to find Harper stopped, looking back at me, her bottom lip wobbling in confusion as she flicks back and forth between us.
‘Er,’ I say, my brow furrowing. I guess the agency didn’t pass that part on. ‘My wife. Their mom. Lucy. She passed away.’
‘Mommy is in the sky,’ says my youngest, pointing up, and my heart breaks a little more as I close my eyes and breathe. Then I hear footsteps upstairs running along the landing and the door to Thea’s bedroom slams shut as the three of them glance up.
Red’s pale face is glowing like a beet, her eyes shimmering with a pity that I don’t need. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she says, her voice slow and deep. ‘Mr Ledger, I had no idea. The agency never-’
‘That’s okay,’ I say, my voice unavoidably dark. I gave up trying to be positive about our loss for other people’s sake a while back. ‘It was a long time ago.’
‘I just, I saw your ring, and the picture on the wall and-‘
I spin my wedding band the moment she draws attention to it. ‘It’s fine, it’s an honest mistake,’ I say, but Mackenzie doesn’t stop, and this apology act is riling me up again. I can feel myself tipping.
‘No, it’s not,’ she continues. ‘It’s not oka-‘
‘Enough,’ I say, slamming my hand down on the breakfast bar so hard and so loud that Harper jumps, taking a step back and squeezing Red’s hand like a vice as she shakes.
All three girls look toward me, wide-eyed and rigid, and I instantly regret my reaction. It was over the top, too hard, and the moment my eyes meet theirs I see little tears brimming in Harper’s and I feel even worse. She lets go of Mackenzie’s hand and runs toward me and I pick her up and hold her tight.
‘I’m sorry, kiddo,’ I say, kissing her cheek. ‘Daddy didn’t mean to get upset.’