I step inside, half expecting klaxons to sound and red lights to spin as I stand on some unseen pressure pad, but nothing happens and I take another delicate step. The carpet is soft beneath my bare feet and I scrunch my toes in the threads and smile.
The headlights of a car flash across the backyard, and for a moment I freeze, and then I breathe out and relax. It’s just one of the neighbours, returning home from a night out. I hear voices chattering and fading as two car doors shut.
A large walk-in wardrobe sits adjacent to a room that I assume is his en-suite, based on it being the same door style as mine. What could he need with a walk-in wardrobe? Then my heart fills with sadness as I remember his wife. Maybe that’s why he didn’t want me in here. It’s a place filled with memories for him, and most likely keepsakes. I feel bad for a moment, and then curiosity gets the better of me and I make my way to the door and open it, peering within.
It’s exactly as I thought. Two long rows of dresses, skirts, blouses, shoes, belts, hats, accessories, everything one could imagine that a beautiful woman like Lucy would’ve worn. It even smells amazing, and for a moment I breathe it in, and then smile and close the door with a tiny nod.
I wander across the carpet now, heading for the door, but then I pause again, eyeing the bed for signs of recent occupancy, trying to decide which side he would sleep on. The left side has a slight dip and I smile. I tiptoe toward the side table, and as my heartbeat races, I slide open the drawer and stop breathing.
There are all the usual things in there; tissues, some medication, a pen, an old camera, two SD cards, a climbing clip, a book, some glue… and adiary.
Mr Ledger keeps a diary.
My heart races as I look at the cover, and I can feel it thumping in my chest as I carefully turn the pages back to last week - my first day - and my throat goes dry as I read.
*
I close the car door too hard and it bounces off the seatbelt, swinging open again. I reach for it, sliding the loose strap back inside before shutting it once more, more gently this time. Thea’s a light sleeper, and I don’t want to wake her.
A drunk couple wanders past, snaking their way up the street as I slip through the front door of my own home and breathe out. The house is still, but I can sense them. I know they’re here, and safe, and I know Mackenzie is here too. I can feel her presence, like an electrical current buzzing in the air, making my skin tingle.
I still don’t know what I’m doing back here, and for the entire journey home I haven’t been able to figure it out. But for whatever reason, I need to be near her. I kept telling myself it was because I don’t trust her. That my house will be destroyed from the party she will have organised at my expense. That there will be strangers passed out in my driveway, beer spilt upon my carpet, cigarette ends and bodies floating in my pool, my children seconded and locked away upstairs as she fucks and parties.
But I see no evidence of the sort, and in the back of my mind, I knew I wouldn’t.
I’m here because there’s something wrong with me, and I’m here because I’m not the kind of man who fucks girls he meets in bars.
I take a deep breath and close the front door behind me as quietly as possible. I need to go to bed. I need to get a grip on myself before I get asked a thousand questions that I’m not ready to face right now.
I need to sleep.
In my own bed.
Alone.
*
My eyes trace Mr Ledger’s words as my tummy fills with butterflies, my legs turning to jelly as I stand beside his bed. Words and sentences leap off the page one by one, searing themselves in my mind as my heart flutters and my pussy throbs … button nose like a silk blanket … hair that blazes like an inferno … skin as smooth as a mountain stream … eyes as deep and soulful as an ocean full of stars … and then the door swings open, and I look back and freeze in horror.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say, desperation in my voice as I stagger sideways, my bare legs bumping against the edge of his bed, my heart racing so fast inside my chest that I feel dizzy as I drop his diary.
‘Why are you in here?’ he says, his voice laced with anger and threat.
‘I- I was- I just- I wanted t-‘
‘Stop stuttering,’ he snaps, his eyes dark and menacing even in the half-light as he begins to circle toward me like a predator about to pounce on its prey.
‘Mr Ledge-‘
‘Answer the question,’ he says, moving closer.
I instinctively back away, my legs buckling as I stumble back onto the bed and sit down, my nightie riding up my thigh so high I know he can see my panties and I rush to hide them.
‘I don’t know,’ I whisper, shaking my head. Tears come to my eyes as he takes another step. ‘I just wanted to-‘
‘What?’ he hisses.
‘To…’