Alexandra
"Okayfolks,weall know memories, trauma and emotions are not only stored in our unconscious mind but also on a cellular level. When we don't process these fully or avoid dealing with them, they get stuck in our bodies and manifest as physical pain or disease. Today we will work on releasing anger." Jane walks around the room, giving each member of the group a tennis racket.
"Group rules. No matter how angry you may get, please don't throw your rackets across the room or try to break them, instead use the stacked mattresses only. Please make a line, be patient and wait for your turn. When you are done, please sit on your mat and journal your experience, which you can share in the group later if you feel comfortable sharing it. Let's begin."
I fidget with my tennis racket, waiting for my turn. My heart gallops behind my ribs, making my skin grow clammy. I don't know if I can access the anger I've locked up so deep, not even the world's deepest divers could reach it. It's one emotion my father never allowed me to express as a child. While it was okay for him to get furious with me or my mother, we had to stay silent and take it. I grew up fearing this emotion, especially when teachers, friends or boyfriends would get angry with me. Outwardly, I appeared defiant and stubborn, staring them down, but inwardly, I felt scared, like a little mouse. What if I let go and all hell breaks loose just like it did when I was in high school? While I might not remember every detail of that day, what I remember is the face of the boy I almost strangled to death. I was minding my business when two of the most popular boys pushed me against the wall to cop a feel while their friends were filming it on their phones. I felt mortified. The previous night, my father tricked me into helping him, threw me over his lap and made my ass and legs black and blue with his slipper for playing the music too loud in my room. I was in so much pain, I couldn't sit or lie down, so I spent the entire night taking cold showers to soothe the pain and screaming in my pillow. I promised myself I would never let him trick me again.
They chose the wrong day to mess with me. The rush of adrenaline made it hard to think, and I lost it, going psycho mad. It was as if someone unlocked Pandora's box and the rage just kept pouring from me. While kicking one of them in the nuts, I grabbed the other boy's throat, squeezing the life out of him. If Heidi hadn't intervened, I would have killed him. I don't think I'd ever forgiven myself if I killed that boy. I had no choice but to suppress it under sadness and fear because I didn't want to become a monster like my father.Eloise, the girl in front of me, trots to the mattresses and jumps straight into it, screaming, swearing and beating them like there's no tomorrow.
"This is great, it felt so good," she cries out, moving back to the end of the line.
Sauntering to the tower, I twirl the racket in my hand and block out the chatter behind me. Anger, come out, come out, wherever you are. Nothing. Okay, playing hard to get. I can play dirty too. Bringing the face of my father and Nathan into my mind's eye, I coax my anger to come out and play. As I strike repeatedly, brief flickers of anger bubble on the surface, but I know it's not nearly close to what I felt when I lost it in high school. You can do better than this, Allie.Are you sure you're ready to unleash the darkness inside you? What if you can never lock it backand you end up just like your father? I'll never be like my father,I scream silently.During my third turn, I roll my neck to relieve the tension building inside me. You let Nathan tie you, cut you and rape you. You just laid there letting it happen, just like the good girl you are. I tried to defend myself, but he was stronger. You didn't try hard enough, did you? Hot tears stream down my face, squeezing my throat and robbing me of air as a silent storm rages inside me. Before I can react, my mind transports me back to Heidi's bathroom on the night when I had the miscarriage. I lean against the wall, sitting in a pool of blood, cradling the tiny stiff body of my baby son against my chest and wailing like a banshee. Rage crushes through me like a hurricane. I use every ounce of energy to fight my mind from recalling this memory because each time I do, it's like floating in the middle of the tempestuous ocean, surrounded by wreckage after surviving a shipwreck, and each piece of the debris reminds me of the things I will never have. I'll never see my beautiful boy grow up and become a man, watch him graduate from college, fall in love and marry. I'll never experience the joy of being a grandmother.
The sound of an inhuman, high-pitched howl brings me back to the room. I dart my gaze around the room, searching for the owner of the god-awful cry, but all I'm met with is a sea of bewildered eyes and gasps. I blink, turning my head away to hide the flush creeping on my face. This is one memory I've not talked about with Heidi or anyone else, let alone worked throughwith Agnes. My body locks with impotent rage. I should know the old saying, what you resist will persist until you confront it head on. It seems today is the day. I grip the handle of the racket with both hands to stop my hands from shaking. Just like in the Kinbaku session, I fill my lungs and belly with air and let go. I imagine unlocking the box where I've buried my rage and fury, throwing the key into the depths of the ocean. Swinging the racket, I bash the heavy-duty foam mattresses and bellow furiously as torrents of pure undulated fury crashes through me. The primal part of me takes over, blinding me and dimming the world around me. Thwack…Thwack…Thwack…Thwack.
As I continue striking, l purge more and more of the poisonous emotions I've carried within me since I was a child. It feels so good to finally set myself free from its shackles. Hormones surge through my blood, intoxicating me with power and giving me a clarity, I've never experienced before. I feel like Eowyn confronting and slaying the Witch-King of Angmar, Lord of the Nazgul. Today is the day I reclaim my power, take back what was taken from me, and become the Queen I was meant to be. Despite feeling powerful inside, the muscles in my arms and legs cramp with fatigue. I draw a lungful of air, desperately trying to regulate my erratic breathing, and while my mind tells me I'm powerful, the muscles in my body tell me I've reached my limit. My knees buckle from exhaustion, and I collapse in a disheveled heap on the floor, clutching the tennis racket in my hands.
"Allie, come on girl, get up." Katie pats my shoulder. "Simon, help me lift her up." Scooping under my arms, they help me get back on my feet.
"Is she okay?" a chorus of different voices cut in as Katie and Simon carry me outside the room. I'm too exhausted to answer, so I raise my thumb, telling them I'm fine.
Katie wraps her arms around me, helping me to sit down on the wooden bench. Flaming pain lances through my wrist and back, making me grit my teeth. Shoot, I wonder if this is how Doms feel after impact play. I need to hit the gym.
"You look like you need water. I'll be right back."
"Thank you, Simon," I mumble, wiping the sweat trickling from my forehead straight into my eyes. He bobs his head and scurries to the kitchenette.
"Girl, you okay? What happened? You just beat the living daylights out of that mattress. Remind me not to piss you off." She looks at me through the fringes of her lashes. Before I can answer, Jane approaches us.
"Allie, you did amazing today. I was wondering when you were going to experience a breakthrough. I'm glad you got rid of all the toxic emotions you have been holding on to for so long. If you want to talk, we can catch up after class." Furrowing her brows with concern, she taps my hand gently.
"Thank you, Jane. I really appreciate your offer, but if you don't mind, I want to go home." She gives me a warm smile, full of understanding.
"No problem. See you next week. Take care." I bob my head, giving her a small smile.
"You too. See you next week." Just as Jane leaves, Simon reappears with two bottles of water in his hands. He plops on the seat next to me, handing me one. Unscrewing the cap, I take a large swig of the cold water, relishing it as it slides down my parched throat.
"I'll go get our stuff and drive you home, Allie." Katie rises to her feet, her gaze darting between me and Simon as if she is trying to work out if she should leave me alone with him or not.
"No, it's fine, Katie. You stay, I can drive myself home." She shakes her head vigorously, her braids flying around her.
"I'm taking you home. You're in no condition to drive yourself, missy." I open my mouth to argue, but she raises her hand, insisting, "No arguments. No questions. I'll ask Dan to give me a lift back so I can get my car." I raise my hands in surrender. Smirking, she turns on her heel and trots off. What a bossy body, I chuckle inwardly.
Simon clears his throat several times as an awkward silence envelops us.
"I'm sorry for my shitty behavior, Allie. I didn't deal well with your rejection and it's not your fault. I hope we can repair our friendship," he confesses, his tone apologetic. Tying my hair in a high ponytail, I dip my head in agreement.
"I understand. Let's forget about the past and wipe the slate clean," I reassure him even though I'm worried he'll take this as a green light to pursue me again. He plasters a toothy grin on his face, his eyes lighting up with delight. Fricking hell, I might be right.
"I know this might not be the best time, but I overheard you earlier telling Katie that you were looking for someone to install a security alarm at your house. My brother owns a home security company and he'll make a great offer." Katie saunters back, cradling our yoga mats and jackets in her arms.
"Ready?" She winks at me. Pushing myself up on my feet, I cast my gaze on Simon.
"Cool! Thank you. It'll save me from searching for companies that may or may not be good. What's the name of his company?" He sweeps the overgrown bangs out of his eyes, staring at me with a look I can't put a name on.
"I'll shoot you a text with his number later." Widening my eyes in surprise, I extract my yoga mat from Katie's arm and wave goodbye.
He waves back, plastering a massive grin that deepens the dimples in his cheeks. Hmm, he literally was giving me the evil eye until last week and now he wants to be my best friend. People change, don't overthink it, I admonish myself as we walk towards my car.