It kills me to see him upset.
“Oh, and what, I don’t understand that? Do you think I wouldn’t give anything to see my brother or have anything but a one-sided conversation with him? Wow, you’re just as selfish as she is.”
He reaches out for me, but I yank my arm from his grasp.
“No!” I walk out of our room and head down the hallway.
“That’s not what I meant, Hails, and you know it. It’s just…”
I stop and turn to face him. “It’s just what, Zach? Please enlighten me! Tell me how our situation is different.” My voice catches in my throat as I fail to push the tears down. “You have wished every day that your sister, who fucking walked out on us all because her life was hard, would contact you or come home. Well, guess what, she lost her boyfriend, but I—I fucking lost my brother.” I point toward the front door. “And he can’t walk through that door or call one day out of the blue—he’s gone forever. He can’t come back. Don’t you think I wanted to just escape from life at times? I love you so much, but damn it, my brother died, and my best friend just walk
ed away when I needed her most. Who does that? And you’re just going to stand there and defend her and welcome her with open arms? No. I can’t.”
I turn and head for my purse, which is hanging by the front door.
“Where are you going? We’re supposed to head back to Annapolis.”
“I know. I’ll meet you there. I need space right now.” I throw his own words back in his face. “You know, like you got last night after she called. Here is my processing it.”
“Hails.” He steps toward me, but I put my hand up in protest.
“Please don’t follow me. I’ll see you at your parents’ house.”
I drive to the one place I need to be, with the one person I need to be with. I hate that I blew up at Zach like that, but some days I hate that he doesn’t understand. Yeah, we both lost our siblings, but case in point, his can call and come back home whenever she wants. Mine? Not so much.
I sit on the grass in front of my brother’s grave and cross my legs under me.
“Hey, big bro. I guess you know who finally called, huh?” I snicker. “Of course you do. You know everything.”
I pick at the grass around the stone.
“Why now? Why after all this time? I’m happy for Zach, I am. I want to see him happy, but is he seriously just going to let her waltz back in as if no time has passed? She left—she just up and left without a word. She’s missed everything.
“She lost her boyfriend of four years, but fuck, I lost my brother from my entire life. I can’t…I—” The tears flow freely down my cheeks, and I don’t even bother wiping them. “You died, Em, and I needed her. I needed my best friend, and she fucking left, as if I didn’t matter. I knew she would abandon me for you one day, but when you died, she chose your ghost over me.
“And she didn’t just leave—she’s refused every single text or call for three and a half years! How can I forgive her that? How do I forgive and forget? God, I hate this!”
I pull my legs from under me and drag them in front, wrapping my arms around my knees. I run my hands through my hair. There’s no calming my voice.
“It’s been four years without hearing your voice, and I want to hear it in real life, not a damn video. I want you to be the one calling me telling me that you’re coming home. Why does Zach get to hear his sibling’s voice after all this time and I don’t? It’s not fair! Am I being selfish? Maybe, but I want you to be here. Is that too much to ask?”
The cemetery seems to be a popular place today. I half expect one of the passing cars to be Zach’s Jeep, but he got the message that I needed space—I needed this. Maryland spring is in full force early this year, which explains a passing car with its windows all rolled down. A familiar tune blares from their radio. I close my eyes remembering the last time I heard that song and allow the memory to take over. It was Thanksgiving 2011, the last time the four of us were together, at least in the living.
We had already finished dinner and gone our separate ways: Dad and Adam were in the living room watching football, Mom and Kelly were in the kitchen cleaning the last of the dishes and planning their Black Friday shopping itinerary I’m sure. Zach, Dani, Emmett, and I were on the Jacobses’ front porch—Em and Dani on the swing, me in the rocking chair, and Zach perched on the railing. Conversation always came easy with us.
“Oh my God, have I told you about the new Bruno Mars song I heard on the radio the other day?” I adjusted myself on the rocking chair, pulling my legs under me.
“Woah!” Zach clutched his chest. “You’re tellin’ me that you girls listen to something besides Katy Perry?”
Dani and I both glared at him. Ugh, he could be such a jerk.
“Yes, asshole, we listen to other music. Maybe if you weren’t too focused on getting in everyone’s pants, you would notice.”
“I don’t want to get into your pants, there, Hanks,” he spat back.
I narrowed my eyes at him. Ah! He was so infuriating.
Dani played the referee, holding her hands up. “Okay, you two, that’s enough.” She turned to me. “No, I haven’t heard it yet. Do you have it?”