A bead of sweat trickles down my spine. It’s a satisfying feeling, knowing that I’ve learned how to properly throw a punch, how to get out of a chokehold, how to kick my attacker off me if I end up on my back. The elation swells as I wander into my bedroom and head for the en suite bathroom, running the water extra hot.
Life feels different when I’m in the shower. The glass doors steam up with clouds of fog, giving me privacy that I don’t get anywhere else. Whenever I’m at school, eyes are constantly watching me. The same can be said at home in a more metaphorical sense, my mother reducing me with her critical words at every turn.
It’s exhausting.
The hot water cleanses my body and mind, putting me at ease as I go through the motions of washing myself. After rinsing, I shut off the water and open the door, watching the steamy clouds billow around me as I grab a towel from the shelf. Wrapping it around me unravels the last of my tension, inspiring me to float into my bedroom.
I take my time as I gather the clothes I want to wear for dinner. A pair of dark jeans, a cozy T-shirt, a comfy pair of socks—I pile these neatly on the bed, exerting control wherever possible. Things are neat and orderly in here. Everything has its place.
I frown. Just like me, I guess.
But I feel like I don’t have a place anymore. It’s weird and strange to feel that way in my own home, but I can’t help it. Even my mother is being a massive bitch about me doing the things I normally like to do.
Maybe that’s just her way of coping with Daddy’s death, I consider as I drop the towel and pull on a pair of cotton panties. While pulling on my bra, I sigh. I just wish she wouldn’t direct all that shit at me.
“Alexandra, I’m glad I caught you.”
I squeal while fumbling to grab the towel from the ground. My panicked eyes focus on the figure taking up the doorway.
Amos grins, eyes narrowing as he observes my frantic attempt to cover myself up. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something important.”
“Can it wait?” I snap. “I’m getting dressed. Get the fuck out!”
He wanders inside regardless of my plea. When he settles on the edge of my bed and reaches over to touch my socks, I swat his hand.
“Get out,” I repeat. “Now.”
But he ignores me. It’s like I haven’t even spoken at all.
“Your behavior lately is…unbecoming for a girl your age,” he explains while lounging on my mattress. I hate how he looks comfortable, how easy it is for him to just sit there while I’m half fucking naked. His eyes suddenly land on me, a smirk breaking his lips. “You can keep getting dressed. I’m sure you’re capable of multitasking.”
Shaking, I tighten the towel around my body. If he thinks he’s getting a free show, then he’s sorely mistaken. I back away to the privacy screen near the window and shudder as I retreat behind the panels, grabbing a pair of yoga pants and a shirt from a nearby chair.
“It’s important that you remain ladylike and pure,” he continues. “You’re coming home sweaty, leaving the house all day to go God knows where, and then you keep playing with those boys.”
“I’m not playing with them,” I snap angrily. “They cornered me.”
He clicks his tongue with disappointment. “No one likes a tease, Alexandra. You need to keep yourself free of impurities.”
I bite my tongue as I shove my legs into my pants and yank the T-shirt over my head. I’m done dressing, but I don’t want to come out from my hiding place. I’m shaking too hard with anger and embarrassment.
“Your mother is right about your value. It’s important to make sure you protect that value. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Everyone keeps going on about my “value,” but no one seems concerned with the fact that four boys are chasing after me like goddamn hounds pursuing a rabbit. “Sure, I get it.”
“Great!” I hear the mattress wheeze as he stands from the bed. “I’ll see you downstairs for dinner.”
When I’m finally alone, I collapse into the chair behind the privacy screen. The scenery outside is too bright, too cheerful, too normal for what’s happening in here. Everything is changing far too quickly. My father has slipped out of my fingers, buried six feet under without a second thought. Everyone seems to have moved on as if he never existed.
My leg muscles ache, urging me to run. But where can I go? There’s no escaping this nightmare. I miss my father so much that it hurts, the pain blinding me as my vision blurs with unshed tears. I cover my face as I realize I can never replace what I’ve lost.
No one will ever be enough.
Minutes later, I freshen up and take a few tentative steps around my bedroom. Nothing is missing or out of place, but I can’t shake the feeling that Amos being in here somehow altered something.
Maybe it’s me, I think as I yank on a pair of comfy socks and head downstairs. I’m getting attacked from all angles. There’s only so much I can take before I crack.
I hold my head high. That’s not fucking happening. I’ll never break. It doesn’t matter what people do to me. I won’t bend to their whims just because they think I’m weak. I’ll take their assaults and turn them right back around, using their vulnerability to my advantage. Just like with the boys.