2
LOREN
My breath was stuck in my throat as I waited. I’d meant everything I’d said, but I needed him to put himself out there and open the door himself. I wasn’t going to assume anymore, not where Atticus was concerned. He used it to hide behind, and I understood now that I couldn’t let him get away with it. In a way, he’d been hiding his whole life. He hid behind his title, in the same way I’d hidden behind my ‘perfect Loren’ mask.
And if I’d learned anything, it was that masks were only good for Halloween and Illusion.
Hiding kept the truth from being free, and that was a dangerous game to play. One I’d no longer willingly participate in. The truth might hurt, but I much preferred it to the patronizing idea that everything was okay.
Staring, I didn’t falter as I held his eyes, waiting to see if he’d continue to step out from behind his carefully controlled world or stay in the dark in his perceived safety. He smiled, the gesture at such odds with the firm stance he typically held, and it shocked me more than I wanted to admit, sending heat through my body.
“You’re not making this easy on me, Bellezza, are you?”
“Easy is for toddlers and fools, and you’re no fool, Atticus. Plus, I think this is something you need to work for, or it will never have meaning.”
He nodded, moving forward to brace his elbows on his knees, making him more approachable and open. Slowly, he reached out his hand toward me, picking up mine that sat on my knee. His thumb grazed across the back of my hand, the gesture soft and intimate. Keeping his gaze lowered, he finally spoke.
“What if I’m a fool who wants to believe in happiness even if it scares me?” Atticus whispered, peering up at the end. His umber eyes seared me, and my pulse jumped. Swallowing, I pushed forward the words that had lodged themselves in my throat, knowing how important it was to get this part right.
“I think a person is only a fool if they don’t believe that happiness and love are two of the strongest emotions, and that should be scary, but not in the way you’re thinking. Happiness isn’t something to hide from, to avoid for fear of being hurt when it’s gone. Love should be the thing you fight for, only feared by those who oppose you. Because when you find real love, real happiness, you’ll do everything in your control to hold on to it, and that’s true power. Love doesn’t make you a fool, Atticus; it makes you brave.”
I wanted to shake myself for using the L-word, but I meant everything I’d said. Happiness and love weren’t fleeting emotions, nor were they cure-alls. But when you understood that love didn’t magically fix something, it opened doors to experiencing everything it had to offer, like compassion, support, and safety.
I’d never really known real love, but I was starting to.
He squeezed my hand, returning it to my knee as he sat back, clearing his throat. “Well, I guess I’ll have to take your word for it.”
Rolling my eyes, I snuggled against Sax, ignoring Atticus. He’d retreated, scared, and I wasn’t going to coax him out like a frightened animal. He’d had everyone do that for him already; now, he needed to do it for himself.
“Yeah, I guess you will, because until you believe it’s worth it, nothing will truly change between us, no matter how many fancy dinners or grand gestures you make.”
He scoffed, crossing his arms, some of his defenses rising. “Pfft, you told me to act, and now you’re saying it doesn’t matter? I think you’re the scared one, Mrs. Carter.”
Ah, so we were back to Mrs. Carter, were we? I lifted my eyes, not removing my hands from Sax, enjoying his arm around me.
“Actions can be just as empty as words if they don’t have meaning. That may sound confusing, but it’s simple to me. If I learned anything in the past year, it’s that sometimes, actions are just a behavior, forged in us from the womb, and it’s as common as blowing your nose. While I appreciate you throwing this benefit for the center and honoring Jude, I imagine it wasn’t hard for you to do.” He started to argue, but I lifted my eyebrow, giving him a look. His jaw tensed, but he backed down and waited, silently stewing.
“It wasn’t. You picked up a phone and had everything sorted. Now, helping me with Barkley, and Monroe with Levi, that was meaningful. You inviting my friends to go dress shopping and to the benefit, also meaningful. Renting out the entire store, so Immy was safe, also meaningful. The little things, those gestures, they’re the ones that meant something to me. That’s what I want to see.”
“Why does it feel like I’m being tested?”
“Do you often feel the need to prove yourself?”
“Stop doing that.”
“Doing what?” I smiled this time, having too much fun poking the man who’d so effortlessly done it to me a week ago. Sax’s hand flexed against my hip, but I wasn’t sure if it was because he was encouraging me to continue, enjoying the show, or urging me to stop. Peeking up at him from the corner of my eye, I found him attempting to cover a smile, and I relaxed.
“That!” Atticus answered, pointing at me and then to Sax. “You’re answering questions with a question and keep making eyes at Sax. I don’t like it.”
Sitting back more, I crossed my legs, feeling some power surge through me. I hadn’t meant to break him down, but now that I started, I quite enjoyed it.
“You don’t like that you’re not getting your way?”
He glared at me, his nostrils flaring a little, and I knew he was close to losing control. The part of me that liked pulling the strings and finding out what was underneath someone wanted to tug real hard. Pushing Atticus’ buttons was addictive.
“You know what you’re doing.”
“Oh? I’m just trying to get to know you.”