9
ATTICUS
Clearing my throat, I wrestled with the right words to say. This would be everything. I’d debated with myself on having Jude present, but as much as I wanted to avoid imagining my baby sister dating, he would be in our lives regardless due to Loren, and because of that, he deserved to know, too.
If she told the golden retriever one, that was up to her, but right now, the people I wanted to tell were here. When everyone looked at me, I cleared my throat again, finding myself fidgeting. Straightening my hands, I looked back and forth between the pair.
“Lore, I promised to give you answers. While I think it would be wise to let Jude in as well, I will let you make that decision.”
She glanced at him, and he nodded. “Thank you, I appreciate you acknowledging his importance in my life. He accepts the responsibility of the information you’re about to share, and I believe he’s mature enough to handle it.”
I waited ten seconds, giving them both one last chance to back out. When they didn’t, I took a breath, filling my lungs full and letting it out slowly. I’d never had to tell anyone this before, and I found it difficult to know where to begin.
“You asked Sax last week if he was in the mafia, and the short answer was yes. That would be the mainstream definition or classification. However, the word has become bastardized, and I find it doesn’t encompass everything we are. It’s why I wanted to show you, using your reasoning, that actions mean more than words. I get it, because it’s hard to sum up everything we are into one word. The world will call us bad guys, corrupt, and villains. I do not deny there are times those might be true, but as I think you can understand, we are more than one thing, more than a classification used to help people sort the do’s and don’ts.”
I paused, needing a moment to say the next part. Her eyes never left mine, and I found I didn’t want to look away either. If I did, I might miss a reaction, a clue to how she felt about it. She gave me a slow nod, and I took it to mean to continue.
“I’m not going to lie and say I haven’t broken the law or protected my family, however I saw fit, because I have, and I don’t regret it. At its core, the mafia is about family. It encompasses more than just bloodlines, though, that’s the important piece. As a family, we rise above others and stand stronger together. We prosper, suffer, and celebrate together. My father,” I sneered, “sought to ruin the family in a way that dishonored our legacy and our name. He used the family to prosper only for himself, aligning with those who no longer upheld family values and were only concerned with lining their pockets with riches. That is not who we are. We don’t hurt or use our family to gain leverage. It goes against everything we believe in.”
Her eyes flicked briefly to Imogen, and I knew she understood then. I wasn’t positive how much my sister had shared, but Loren was brilliant, and I knew she’d at least be able to connect things.
“In the past, our type of families have been connected to the criminal underground, our businesses prospering in the illegal markets. Our family, in particular, is one of the big three families in Chicago with a stronghold. Our specialties include money laundering, gambling, and, until a few weeks ago, antiquities. The one we don’t advertise, though, is secrets.”
“Secrets?”
“You’ve been to one of our clubs, and well, we use a lot of the rooms and staff to gather information. But we also offer the opposite for a price—complete confidentiality. Several public figures use our club as a safety measure to ensure their hidden desires and secrets never get into the wrong hands. In the past nine months, I’ve also been redirecting most of our cash flow from illegal businesses to legitimate ones. The arena last night, the club, and a few others are the new direction I’m moving the family in as we rebrand our name and what it means to be a ‘made man.’”
I watched to see if she’d have any questions, but she only stared back, waiting for me. I briefly shifted my gaze to the other occupants, finding everyone fixed on me. It was time to reveal the dirty part, and I prayed I’d done enough so far to show we weren’t the real villain.
“There was a great fallout around fifteen years ago, and the city was covered in bloodshed. Sax and I were earning our stripes, and it’s still a time that haunts us. It started when the daughter of the second most powerful family died. She happened… she happened to be someone close to Sax and me, and her death rocked us both. Her family claimed we’d killed her, knowingly giving her laced drugs. Her death created a divide and the next five years were full of turmoil as the top three families fought it out for dominance. It was at a great cost to everyone that a truce was finally made. Maybe if I hadn’t been struggling with my own grief, I would’ve noticed it sooner, but I didn’t. I’d turned to destructive ways of revenge and violence to soothe my soul, but it almost destroyed it.”
I dropped my eyes that time, not wanting to admit my failure. If I’d been more involved, if I’d insisted he included me more, if… if… if… There were so many what if’s I’d grown dizzy stuck in the loop.
“This past year has been difficult for our family. My father, known as the Grim Reaper, had been hiding his misdeeds from me. It’s only after his death that I’ve discovered how far back he’d been planning this. When he…” I paused, the bile rising in my throat each time I thought of what he sacrificed for his own fortune.
“Used me as collateral and killed my mother in the process,” Immy supplied. I turned to her, surprise on my face. Her voice was strong, and she held my gaze, unwavering.
Once again, Loren had been right. I’d been babying her, underestimating the woman she was becoming—the one she’d been groomed to be her entire life. I didn’t miss the way she clutched Jude’s hand, though, reminding me it was okay to lean on others. Grinding my teeth, I breathed out through them, needing my heart to slow. I wasn’t ready for my baby sister to step into this life.
Loren placed her hand on my forearm, shocking me. When she squeezed, I whipped my head back to her, holding her gaze. Her calming presence and reassuring smile helped me focus on her and not fall down the path of self-hatred for failing Imogen.
“His crimes were too many to let stand, so I did the one thing I never thought I’d have to do. I killed my father and took his place as head of our family.”
I was expecting her to recoil in terror or even disgust, but Loren stared back, her gaze unflinching as she processed it.
“I can imagine how difficult that was for you. While I’ve never been in the position where I’ve had to consider taking a life, I know you must’ve felt it was the only solution. You’re brash at times, closed off, and like to be in control. But you’re not a vicious man, Attie. I’m still getting to know you, the real you, but I do know that. If you thought that would scare me or send me running, I’m sorry to disappoint you. Perhaps, a year ago, it would have. But I’ve witnessed things myself this past year that have changed me, reshaped who I am. The dark parts of the world have edged into my life. So, while I can’t understand what killing a person is like, I know you don’t take enjoyment from it. I can see how much it still haunts you and how you doubt yourself over it. From what I know,” she shifted her gaze to Immy, her expression softening before she turned back to me, “it would’ve been difficult to not make that choice.”
Shifting forward, I slid my hand up her neck, my thumb on the pulse point there, feeling the movement. Mindful we were in a car with my sister and her foster son, I leaned my forehead against hers, and watched as she sucked in a breath.
“Bellezza, you see me as better than I am, giving me more credit than I deserve. I’m not the hero here. The hero would’ve made sure it didn’t happen in the first place. While I’m working to make our family better, bringing us into a new era, I’ll never have clean hands. There are too many sins already staining my soul to ever be good enough for you,” I whispered. “I tried to push you away, keep you out of our lives and away from the danger, but you kept showing up, and danger found you anyway.”
“You only see one side of yourself, Attie, the part you’re ashamed of, the one you’ve had to become to survive in a world where death and deceit are traded as commodities. I’ve found that evil can hide in plain sight just as easily as good can conceal itself in the dark. You don’t have to work to be good enough for me because you already are.”
I stared, not believing this moment was real. I closed my eyes, hers fluttering closed as well, her lashes almost touching my cheek. I could’ve stayed in that moment with her forever, content to be that close. A throat cleared, reminding me we weren’t alone, and pulling me from the perfect bubble.
“Um, while I find this all very sentimental, could you maybe wait until the teens are out of the limo to start making out? I don’t really want to watch my therapist and friend swapping spit with my brother. Love you both, but eww.”
Sputtering, I pulled back, and the sound of Loren’s giggle went straight to my cock. “Fine, brat,” I teased. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you holding hands. Payback is fair play; remember that.” Her cheeks heated, but she rolled her eyes, playing it off.