“Really?” she asked with a soft smile, and I squeezed her hand in confirmation. “At first, it was hard to stay in the present. I did fall back into feeling helpless and weak, and I hated it. But in some ways, because I had you guys to fight for, it made me stronger. I stood up for myself, and I was proud of that. I didn’t agree with him and I made it known.”
“That’s absolutely something to be proud of.”
“I just hope things are stable now.”
“Me too,” I admitted with a laugh.
“What about you? I’m allowed to ask questions now, right?” she asked, smiling.
Grinning back, I nodded. “Yeah, I guess you are.” Blowing out a breath, I weighed my words. “Well, it was hard. I woke up alone in the hospital and discovered I’d been there for a week. My ex-husband was there with my mother.”
“Oh, wow!”
“Yeah, that was not what I expected to wake up to, not that I expected to wake up in the hospital, to begin with, but you get what I mean. I think the hardest thing, though, was not knowing what happened to you or Nicco. And then feeling like I’d let Jude down because he’d been placed back into a group home. I was upset with myself for not thinking ahead. Thankfully, Monroe showed up and—“
“Oh, Mo-no-roe,” she sang out, blinking her eyelashes. Giggling at her, I felt my face heat.
“He’s here tonight, so you can meet him later. He’s my neighbor.”
“Okay, I’ve heard Jude talk about him.”
Agreeing, I confirmed. “He showed up, got Jude out, and once I was released, things were going moderately well. You know, for being in recovery. I still didn’t know where you, Nicco, or Sax were. I couldn’t get a hold of any of you by phone. I didn’t know where you lived. I did go to Nicco’s apartment and his shop, but he wasn’t there. So that was hard,” I shrugged, not wanting her to know how close I’d been to spiraling back. “But I had Jude.”
“I hated not being able to tell you guys anything,” she pleaded.
“I know, sweet girl. I don’t blame you, and despite Atticus being the one who blocked us, I don’t even blame him. It was just worse when Monroe pulled back, too, having to take care of his son. That was when I felt really alone. Jude and I bonded, though, and we became each other’s person. I really don’t know what I would’ve done without that kid.”
My eyes had grown teary, and I smiled a watery smile. It was hard remembering the past, but I was doing it. I didn’t want to be trapped anymore by the bad memories. I knew I still needed to deal with the bombing, the memories just waiting to erupt out of me, but for the time, I was managing what I could, one thing at a time.
“He said the same, you know. I’m kind of jealous you guys had each other, but I’m glad you did. I’m sorry our departure affected you guys in such drastic ways. I hated that, that you would think we didn’t care, and were just gone.”
“I never thought that about you, Immy, promise.”
“That’s good because I really missed you guys.” Her eyes were now glassy as she attempted to hide them with a smile.
“I missed you too.” Without even having to think about it this time, I pulled her into a hug and let myself relax, hoping there wouldn’t be any leaving this time. When I pulled back, I gave her a mischievous smile.
“So, speaking of you and Jude?” I watched as her face blushed bright red again.
“Uh, huh. What about us?” She asked, attempting to be vague, but her face was red as a tomato now.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Is there something more going on between you two?”
“I mean,” she dropped her eyes, twisting her hands in the blanket as she spoke. “We haven’t said anything. We’re just friends. I’ve never dated anyone before… never been allowed to.” Her hesitancy made sense to me then.
“That’s not a bad thing. I don’t know Jude’s experience, but based on the fact his life has been pretty up and down over the years, I bet he has the same level of experience as you.” She thought about it for a moment before nodding.
“Yeah, you’re probably right. It’s just hard to talk about your feelings.”
“Oh, I get it, girl.” I laughed, nudging her shoulder. “It is hard. In my experience, which granted, until I met Nicco, hadn’t been much, you’ll regret not saying anything. I can share what I’ve learned if you like?”
“I would, but… just don’t give me details about my cousin,” she shivered, screwing up her face.
Laughing, I agreed. “Noted, I think I can do that. What I’ve found is no matter how hard communication is, it’s always best to just say it. Lying or hiding things, no matter how good the intention, leads to trust being broken. Putting it out there clears up any hurt feelings or assumptions. Because no matter how perfect you think someone is, they have their own past and baggage, which filters and changes how they view things. So, while we might think we’ve been clear, in reality, we haven’t, and over time those unspoken truths make us believe the craziest lies.” I paused, the magnitude of what I’d said hitting me.
I’d accepted so many things from Brian, assuming he’d loved me, but he didn’t say it, and I should’ve realized. Instead, I lied to myself that our life was perfect and exactly what I wanted. But if I was honest, I’d never been happy with him because I never felt free to be myself. Over time, I lost who that was, so conditioned to respond and manage everyone around me. No wonder I’d been so tired, the weight of grief finally burying me so deep I couldn’t see. Clearing my throat, I focused back on Imogen.
“Unless we say it, it doesn’t get heard. It’s scary and it could mean being hurt, but it’s better to know before you’re in too deep and you feel like there’s no way out anymore. Jude, he’s a good kid. He’s not going to make fun of you or hurt your feelings if he doesn’t feel the same way.”