The day in question he referred to was right after I’d been released from the hospital. Jude and I were watching a movie when my mother showed up unannounced. She’d assumed I’d want her company, needing assistance to recover. When she discovered I’d decided to foster a kid without her knowledge, well, Jude had gotten the full Jacqueline Hanover tantrum. What had been worse was she still hadn’t apologized for the dinner fiasco with Sax and blamed me for the explosion.
Sure, that made sense. I’d somehow controlled the psycho who placed a bomb at the restaurant I was eating at. Because, you know, I wanted to lose all the men in my life in one fell swoop. Sure, Jacqueline, that seemed logical.
Shaking off the loneliness and sadness at the reminder of what I’d lost, I grimaced as I walked to the sink. “At least it’s my cousin’s wedding, so we won’t have to be alone with her. Besides, there are some family members that aren’t completely horrible.”
“Yeah, okay.”
“Also, I told you that you didn’t need to go. I’m perfectly fine going on my own.”
“I want to go. Well, let me rephrase that. The idea terrifies me, but I want to be there for you, Loren. That is something I want to do.”
“Have I told you that you’re the sweetest kid yet today?”
“Well, it’s only 7 am, so probably not.” He grinned, his face heating slightly, and I pulled him into a hug.
“Thanks, Jude. It means a lot to me. We can hide out at the dessert table and make funny faces in all the pictures.”
“I can get on board with that, and you’re welcome. You’ve done so much for me. With the whole dating thing being weird, I didn’t want you to go alone. I know I’m not a perfect replacement for Monroe or whoever, but I’d like to be there for you.”
“You know what I think, kiddo?”
He shook his head, only a tiny amount of fear and doubt remaining now anytime I broached a vulnerable topic. “I think we were meant to find one another and help each other learn what it means to have a true friend, a family. We’re like two little lost penguins now braving the storm together.”
“Penguins?” He lifted his brow at me, moving away to shove his books in his bag. Folding my arms as I leaned against the counter, I nodded.
“Yeah. They’re adorable and seem like they’d be misfits. Plus, they walk all cute and are always ready for a party.” Mimicking a penguin, I waddled over to the table. “No?”
Chuckling, Jude shook his head. “No, but I’ll let you keep the dream alive in your head. Misfit penguins in action.”
“Ah, so kind of you to indulge my crazy fantasies.”
“It’s the least I could do,” he snorted, finding himself amusing.
Slapping him on the shoulder in jest, I walked out of the room to finish getting dressed. “Have a good day at school. Let me know what you end up doing afterward, okay?”
“Yep. You home for dinner tonight?”
“It’ll be later. I have a late session and then barre class.”
“Okay,” he paused before asking the question he really wanted to know. “Has she, you know, returned?”
I stopped my trek to my room, turning to take him in. “You know I can’t divulge anything. But if you’re asking if I had any new female clients or ones returning, the answer would be no, I haven’t.” I debated sharing the next part, but felt he was owed it. “I miss her too. If I were to ever hear from a person I missed, then I would be inclined to share that information. Completely hypothetical.”
He nodded, the sad look I would catch at times clear on his face. “Yeah, okay. Thanks.”
Jude collected himself, then nodded as he headed toward the door. I knew he was struggling with Immy’s abandonment. It’d been two months since I’d seen or talked to Nicco, Atticus, Sax, or Immy. Their ice out and disconnection from my life had been more challenging than I’d imagined. It only reiterated how loose I’d gotten in my boundaries with them. I wasn’t supposed to care this much, or feel this much, for them.
I’d had clients disappear before, and it was always sad, hard. But eventually, a new client would take their spot, and I would move on in my head, filling the place they’d inhabited. I’d wonder and think about the old client at times, something reminding me of them, but then it would be gone, and I’d go about my day.
I couldn’t seem to do that with Immy. Or the men she was connected to.
Atticus had always intrigued me, but he’d been so far out of my reach I didn’t have as deep of a connection to him. I was curious about the sexy man, sure, but it stopped there.
Sax had entered my world, making no apologies for himself. He made himself known with his swagger and domineering presence, leaving me breathless. We’d only kissed, but it had been scorching, our chemistry so magnetic it had been hard to tear myself apart from him. The room seemed emptier without his reassuring presence taking up the wall space, observing, always watching for signs of threats. I’d felt safe with Sax, unlike any man I’d ever been around before. He might scream danger, but he wasn’t the one I was worried about. Sax would vanquish anything or anyone who tried to tear me down and then carry me out of the room and fuck me against the wall to remind me I was his.
Or, at least, that was how the fantasy played out in my head.
It was Nicco who’d been the hardest to try to forget. I knew now I’d been falling in love with him. Perhaps I still was, in a sense. My heart ached every time I thought about never seeing him again. He was a piece of my heart that was gone, and I didn’t know if I’d ever get it back. Nicco hadn’t just helped me rediscover my sexuality; he’d awakened this carnal need in me. He’d effortlessly helped me balance the dark and the light, the recklessness and the seductive nature of my desires, and gave me an outlet to try them.