And that's how I had the weirdest conversation about my job, naked in bed, with a cock pressed against my stomach. Nicco had to be the strongest man alive because at no point did he indicate I needed to pay him back with a blow job or a quickie. In fact, he listened to me intently and asked me wonderful questions about what I liked and wished was different about my job.
We finally rolled out of bed at 7:30 am, and I took a quick shower at his place. When I'd finished, Nicco had coffee for me and a toasted bagel. He loaned me a pair of his boxer briefs to wear home, so I didn't have to wear my destroyed underwear. There was nothing more uncomfortable than wearing dirty cum panties.
Nicco rode down in the elevator with me, holding my hand the whole way, and even kissed me passionately at the door. I walked the few blocks to my condo in a daze as I replayed the events of the night and morning in my head. It wasn't until I was riding up my elevator ten minutes later that I realized we never exchanged numbers.
He was only meant to be a one-night stand, so it was probably standard operating procedure. However, the thought of never seeing him again left me feeling morose, and all the sunshine I had following me moments ago was once again covered by darkness and storm clouds.
The few hours break I had was lovely, at least.
Entering my condo, I felt the sluggishness in my body take over as I dropped my bag on the ground. Leaning back against the door, I banged my head against it a few times. The jarring pain was grounding me back in the shadows I was accustomed to.
What was wrong with me? Why was I sad about this? This had been what I wanted—just a one-night stand. I needed to explore my sexuality more. I needed to figure out all the things I'd never done. I was in charge of my life now, and I didn't have to stay sheltered. Feeling somewhat emboldened with my new life motto, I headed into my closet to dress for the day.
* * *
"What I hearyou're saying is that you want things to be different but struggle to put those things into action? Is that correct?" I reflected back to my last client of the day.
"Yeah, that's exactly it! There just seems to be something that always stops me from taking that final step."
"In my experience, what's usually holding us back is fear. Whether that's fear of the unknown, fear of change in general, or fear of stepping out of our comfort zone… the barrier that hinders us the most to change is fear."
"Yeah, I think you might be right. I'm scared it won't be any different."
"It will never change if you never try," I affirmed, some of my own message hitting home as well. "Well, we're out of time for today, but I would like you to think about what it would mean to push that fear aside for our next session. "
"I can do that. Thanks, Loren. You always have a way of helping me put things into words and see them outside of myself," she stated as she got up. "I'll explore this and see you next week."
"See you next week, Claire." I waved and shut the door, glad to have this day over.
It hadn't been horrible, but with each walk back and forth as I grabbed clients, I could feel the stretch from Nicco in my cunt, and it only served to remind me I'd never feel that again. My confidence and the after-sex glow had helped in the morning sessions, but by the afternoon, I was dragging and headed on a fast train to despairville. Pushing Mr. Surly's buttons was the only thing keeping me from going home, curling up in bed, and ordering an entire cheesecake.
Somewhere inside, I was having a rational talk with myself, and I scolded my inner voice that I'd only known him one day, had known the score from the beginning, and only had myself to blame for getting attached. The hardest part to swallow, though, was when I realized I was more distraught over never seeing Nicco again, than I'd ever been about Brian leaving.
Granted, fifteen years of layers were built around us, with many in the last five being rough. Nicco had the advantage of having no baggage with me and only the fun, lust-fueled layers to our dynamic. Logic and rational thought were not my friends today, though, because I missed him, and I didn't care about all the reasons why I shouldn't.
Finishing up my note for Claire, I packed up all my stuff and headed out the door. I had an hour before class, and I wanted to grab something to eat. Bundling up my coat, I bid my farewells to the girls as I headed out. I wasn't expecting to find Mitzi waiting in the lobby for me when I exited.
"Mitzi?"
"Loren! Oh, I'm so glad I caught you. I was headed to the foundation and remembered your office was close by. I hope that it's okay to stop by like this? I wondered if I could interest you in a drink or some dinner?"
I shuffled on my feet. I literally hated being ambushed, but I'd also told her I would call at the beginning of the week, and I'd forgotten. I did have a small amount of time and needed to eat, so I guessed I could do those with Mitzi in tow. It wasn't inconveniencing me this way, at least.
"I'm headed to a kickboxing class, but I was going to stop over at the deli next door for a salad and sandwich. You could join me if you wanted?" Her smile was bright at my words.
"Sounds perfect. I've wanted to try that place out forever. Come on, my treat."
Following her out, I debated on how I wanted this dinner to go. I liked meeting Jude, but I didn't know if I had the time and energy to commit to something so important. It wasn't the type of thing I could bail or flake on. These kids would depend on me, and I would need to be dependable to them, or I'd only create more chaos in their lives. I couldn't bear to be that type of person.
"How did you find the fundraiser the other day? I saw you talking to Jude, but didn't get to catch up with you before you left." She was smooth, I'd give her that, hitting me with the kid from the start.
"I did like Jude. He's talented. It was a well-organized function, and it seemed like the kids enjoyed themselves. I was impressed overall. But to be honest, Mitzi, I'm not sure I'm the best candidate. I would want to be reliable, and I don't know if I have the amount of time or energy needed to commit to something," I informed her. I felt proud of myself for articulating it well.
"Hmm," was all she said as we made it to the counter of the small deli.
I ordered a small garden salad and turkey club combo and then moved over to a small table area they had. I went ahead and paid for myself as I didn't feel right taking a meal from her if I wasn't going to volunteer. She grabbed a salad and drink and then sat down across from me. It was a few seconds before she finally spoke. I felt like I'd just disappointed my favorite teacher, and anxiety rose in my chest as I waited for her to respond.
"I hear what you're saying, Loren, and I would like to counter that with a suggestion. Instead of feeling like you have to commit to volunteering as a mentor or therapist, how about you just come by and hang out with the kids a couple of times a month? Come to some functions if we need people? That sort of thing. This way, it's not a huge commitment, but I'm hoping it will be enough to entice you back for more." She grinned.