There was an edge of steel in her voice, and she stared at me head-on, no fear. Her strength radiated through her, and for the first time since I met her, Immy personified resiliency and determination. Something about this teenager embracing her fear and facing her big bad wolf resonated with me and bolstered my own resolve.
The spark I'd felt momentarily the day before grew a little stronger, almost as if I was re-igniting the passion within myself.
"I think that's the strongest I've heard you be. I can't wait to hear more about this. It's a powerful statement, Immy. The path to face that fear will be difficult and treacherous at times. I hope you allow me to come alongside you in this journey, in this fight for your freedom. Because even when the monster is physically gone, they don't always disappear mentally or emotionally, and that's where your battle will be fought. It will probably be the hardest thing you've ever done, but the strength I see in you right now tells me you can do this. You won't be alone, but you have to choose to fight."
She sat thinking for a minute, completely still in that moment. Her fidgeting had stopped a while ago, and now, she sat upright as she pondered my words. I could tell she was weighing everything and the cost. When it appeared she came to a conclusion, she looked me straight in the eyes and nodded.
"I would like that. I'm tired of feeling weak and scared. I'm tired of being less than. I want my future back, my hope, and my… innocence. I know I can't have it the way it was before, but I want whatever version I can if it means I don't have to feel this way anymore. Anything but this."
At her last words, she moved her fist to her chest, pounding on her heart. She held eye contact with me throughout, and my empathy was screaming at me to comfort her. One of the most challenging things about being a therapist was having to maintain boundaries. Get close, but not too close. Care, but don't care too much. Self-disclose, but don't share too much.
I hated the too much part.
Because right now, at this moment, my heart was screaming to hug her, to offer her some comfort and show her she wasn't alone. Instead, I smiled and patted her hand like an eighty-year-old woman.
"You got this, girl, and I will fight alongside you, reminding you the whole way. Okay?"
"Okay."
As I held her gaze, I felt my watch buzz, alerting me time was up. A sign of an extraordinary session was when time passed without your notice, and you wished you had longer.
"You did really well today, Immy. Next session, we can go over some coping skills and talk more, if you would be okay with that?"
"Yeah, I'd like that. Thanks, Loren."
"Absolutely. Okay, hard question time. Are you ready?"
"Uh, sure."
"What candy are you picking today?" I asked with a smile.
"Hmm, you're right. That is a tough one," she chuckled, and I relished in all the new emotions I was receiving from her. I loved these little moments when I got to witness her personality come through. I was fighting for more of those.
As she picked out what candy she wanted, I casually slipped the question I wanted to know. "Your brother isn't with you today? I didn't see him in the lobby."
"No, he had meetings or something. Sax brought me."
"Sax? Huh. Cool name, though."
"Yeah, he's like the coolest, though he won't show it. But I've worn him down over the years. I think he wanted to speak with you after actually, I just remembered. Sorry," she cringed.
"No problem, I'll walk you up and let him in. Are you okay to wait in the lobby by yourself?"
She nodded, but I could've sworn I heard her say, "I'm never really alone."
I wasn't sure what to make of that cryptic statement. When we exited the door, Sax was still standing against the wall. Man, I wouldn't survive in a job where I had to stand in one place forever. I'd be fired after five minutes.
I was guessing it was a job, anyway. Immy hadn't made their relationship clear other than she'd known him for years. I realized then that she was good at giving you only part of the answer, yet making you feel like you had the whole thing.
Hmm, interesting. I would need to watch for this and make sure she wasn't giving me the responses she only thought I wanted. The giant man looked up when we exited, capturing me in his crystal blue eyes. Whoa.
"Hi, um, Immy said you wanted to speak with me quickly. I have a few minutes before my next session if you want to come back with me?"
The man nodded and followed me back to my office. I felt a little subconscious and could feel his tall shadow looming over me. When I got to the door, I stood back until he passed me. I probably imagined it since his frame was so vast, but it felt like he grazed against me when he walked by. Shutting the door behind him, I tried to dislodge my wayward thoughts as I turned to him.
The giant didn't sit, so I didn't sit. It seemed like I would need to stay on the same level as him. It was quiet for a few seconds, so I took him in entirely. He was dressed in a nice black suit that seemed at odds with his beard and the severe facial expression he maintained. His dark blonde hair was coiffed up in the middle and short on the sides. I could make out a few tattoos that seemed to peek out from his collar and cuff links. His eyes were the thing that kept drawing me back with their clear blue depths.
His presence overall was disarming, making me both want to throw him down and equally run from him. Realizing I'd just thought about throwing him down, my cheeks flushed bright red. The giant man smirked and told me he knew exactly the effect he had on women. I wanted to hate him for it, but he made me feel things I couldn't be mad about. He still didn't say anything after a few minutes, so I decided to get this ball moving before doing something I'd regret.