Hanging my head, I nodded, exhaustion coating me as well. We'd become so occupied trying to protect others that we'd forgotten the most important rule. Never take your eyes off the horizon because the mafia never sleeps. The moment you looked away, your enemy moved closer. We'd grown so accustomed to the relative peace we'd held for years that we'd become soft. It was time to change that. If our family was going to survive the war brewing, then we needed to be stronger.
"I still hear her laugh at times, you know. She was my first failure, and Immy was my second. I didn't want to add another regret. Loren isn't involved in any of this. They at least knew the score, the life. Not that they deserved it anymore, but…"
"You don't think I feel the same as well? Mas, you weren't the only one with Jaz. You weren't the only one who loved that girl. We both have to live with the regret until the day we die. But we know who is responsible for her death. While we might've been there, we didn't force her to take the pills, nor did we know they'd be laced. We couldn't have known, Mas. Beating yourself up for an accident does nothing."
"You're right. I know you are. But I can't make it go away!" I shouted, beating my chest. "It won't go away."
Clasping my wet undershirt in my fist, I ripped it until I was free of the sodden garment. Slapping the space above my heart where my raven tattoo lay, I tried to feel the pain I felt I deserved, even if only self-inflicted.
A hand grasped my fist before I could slap myself again, and I looked up to find Sax had moved closer to me. His blue eyes held sorrow, and it broke the last bit of strength I held. He wrapped his arms around me, and for the first time since I was a young boy, I broke down and cried in my best friend's arms.
Sobs wracked me as all the pain, guilt, and shame fled me as the tears fell down my cheeks. I grieved for the girl who was taken from us way too soon, I grieved for the man who'd never let anyone else in, and I grieved for the sister who'd been too pure to witness horrors. My only hope was that Immy could rebound from this. She'd slowly begun putting the pieces of her life back together, and I wanted it to be a full one.
After a time had passed and my tears had dried, I stepped back as I gathered myself. Sax's face showed every emotion he felt, and I realized the selfishness of my own behavior. We hadn't talked about it. We hadn't even mourned, nor did we relieve ourselves of the pain we felt at her loss. I'd been so young. Twenty years ago felt like a lifetime. Neither of us had been equipped to deal with her death, and Immy's close call had opened up old wounds. Now I had to take the penance my actions had caused.
"I met with Darren last night."
Silence met me as I knew it would. Meeting his eyes, I was surprised when I didn't find Sax's anger directed at me.
"That explains the whiskey binge," he answered, nodding in understanding.
Sighing, I leaned back against the sink, relieved as I prepared to disclose the last few secrets I'd kept.
"He says Dayton, the Grim Reaper, owed him a job, and if we don't pay, then he'll do unthinkable things to Loren. We were sloppy, and we've brought her into this mess now."
"Fuck."
"Yeah, fuck."
"Do we have any idea what this job is?"
"Nope. Just that he'll be in touch, based on what we've uncovered so far, Dayton helped them run things. He was trying to break into a different side of the business. I have a bad feeling it has to do with something we won't like."
"We need to find a way to get ahead of him."
"We've been so focused on picking up the pieces. We forgot to stay focused on the whole picture. He's had us jumping through hoops from the start, and I, for one, am done."
"Agreed. We need to source out the mole today. We can't keep chasing our own tails. I'm tired of playing his game. Darren Delgado wants a job. Well, I'm about to give him one. Cleaning up his own mess."
We stared at one another, plans unfolding in our minds, the tension gone between us. It felt so stupid now when I thought about it. I was better than my father because I didn't do things on my own. I trusted Sax, so I needed to trust him to be capable of handling things.
"I'll start making calls. Just one more thing," Sax stated, pausing in the doorway.
"Go ahead."
"The engagement. That's fake, right?"
"Of course. She's just some girl I found on Tinder and told her to act like my fiancée for a period of time, and I'd pay her ten grand."
He nodded, and I caught a slight smile on his face before he turned.
"Wait, why?"
Fully smirking now, Sax turned, leaning against the door jamb. "Just means I knew all along you had feelings for her."
"That's ridiculous. I barely know her. I just didn't want her to die because she's helping Immy."
"Sure, if that's what you need to tell yourself, Mas. But answer me this…" he paused, being dramatic.
Rolling my eyes, I started to undo my pants and shoved off the wet fabric. Gesturing for him to continue, I turned on the shower, hot this time, and discarded the rest of my clothes in a damp heap on the floor as I waited for him to spill. When I stepped into the shower, Sax finally answered.
"If you hadn't cared, why did you look jealous as fuck on Friday when you saw her with Nicco? Or why were you hard as you sat across the table from her? And how did you know I meant Loren when I asked?"
I clenched my jaw, not wanting to admit anything, and he nodded, smiling wide.
"Yeah, you're right. She's just Immy's therapist."
Laughing, he left, walking out of the now steam-filled bathroom as I cussed under my breath. I wasn't ready to admit yet the answers to his questions.