Passion stirred in the depths of his gaze. “You think I don’t?”
She shook her head. “I don’t mean physically. I know that we’re in the same boat there. I want you, Fiero, to want me, Elodie, to be here in your life. Not because I’m Jack’s mother and not because we have insane chemistry. I want you to want me because you can’t bear to not have me in your life. I want you to want me to stay because…” she couldn’t finish the sentence.
“Because?” He prompted, after several seconds had passed.
She sucked in a breath, reminding herself to be brave, to chase what she wanted in life. It was the promise she’d made to herself after her parents had died: she’d stop wasting time being who she thought she should be and start following her gut. Well, her gut was telling her what she truly wanted, and it was standing right in front of her.
The realisation had been opening up in her heart for days, for weeks, but now it shone brighter than the sun, it was impossible to ignore.
“I think I’m in love with you.” The words landed in the room like rocks being thrown into an iced-over lake. There was the shatter as they connected and then the never-ending sinking thud, as well as the sharp shattering of ice into the room.
He stared at her as though she’d begun to speak in ancient Greek.
“You’re not.”
His instantaneous denial made her laugh, but it was a deranged noise, without humour. Because with every second that passed, the more she realised that she was in fact in love with him, completely and utterly.
Having offered that explanation for her confused feelings, everything began to make sense. The more time that passed, the more certain she became. She loved him. “I beg to differ.”
He closed his eyes, wiping a hand over his face. So far as gestures went, it was hardly encouraging.
“I think I probably fell in love with you that night,” she was frowning now too, her expression a bookend to his, her mind running over the sequence of events as she considered them in the light of this realisation. “Why else would I do something so out of character? Why else would you?” Her eyes were huge in her face. “It was never just sex between us. It’s not now, no matter what you say.”
His throat jerked as he swallowed hard and his expression was one of steel. “It’s all it can be.”
“No.” She shook her head sadly. “You’re wrong. I’m sure of it.”
He expelled a long, slow breath. “You are unlike anyone I have ever known. And the way you make me feel is…but Elodie? I just don’t think I can move past this.” He spoke slowly, his accent thicker as he formed the sentence, pushing it into the room like tiny bullets that dug into her chest.
“For more than two years you raised my son, while I had no idea he existed. I’m trying to move forward from that, to find a way to have you in my life, for his sake, but it’s not love. It can’t be. Not when I also feel an answering degree of…” he didn’t finish the sentence.
“Of hate?” She whispered stonily, her heart aching.
“I didn’t say that.” He moved across the room, grabbing her hands and lifting them between them, holding them to his chest. “I don’t want to hate you. But I also cannot give you what you’re asking of me. I can’t. And you shouldn’t expect that.”
She swallowed but her throat was so sore, as though razor blades had been made to line it.
“It’s too much.”
“It’s what I need.”
“It’s not possible.”
She nodded, an awkward movement, as she pulled her hands away. “This is such a mess.” She pierced him with her gaze, moving away from him, turning to look out of the window, out into the beautiful Roman streets.
“It doesn’t have to be.”
“No?”
“When I married Alison, I wasn’t clear. I let her believe there was a fairy tale between us, by omission. I’m trying so hard not to make that mistake with you, Elodie. I hurt one woman I cared for; I won’t hurt you. I won’t do it. Why do you think I have been so crystal clear with you all along?”
“I don’t know,” she whispered.
“Yes, you do. I’ve learned my lesson. I’ll never make the mistake of allowing a woman to believe I can give her more than this.”
“You’re lying to yourself though,” she said, bravely.
He didn’t answer. Emboldened, she continued.