“You’re here as my guest,” he said after a beat.
“Not your hostage?” She couldn’t help responding, and was pleased to see his expression tighten. He was uncomfortable about threatening to take Jack away. Good. So he should be!
He turned to look at her though and her sense of satisfaction evaporated. There was steel in his eyes. “You’re free to leave at any point.”
Her stomach rolled, as though she’d fallen out of a high rise. She jerked her head away, stabbing her gelati with the spoon and quickly filling her mouth with the ice cream, as an excuse not to answer, not to respond. What could she say to that?
Without Jack? No, not ever. But it wasn’t so simple as even that. Sleeping with Fiero had changed something inside of her, and now the idea of going back to London – even with Jack at her side – seemed wrong and unwelcome.
This wasn’t fair – not even a little bit. She felt as though nothing made sense anymore.
“How do you feel?” The question speared deep inside of her, because she had no idea how to answer it. Confused. Angry. Hurt. Sad. “You seem to have recovered completely?”
“Oh, right.” He was talking about the accident. She swallowed, glad for the conversation change, glad she could concentrate on facts rather than the turmoil that was living inside of her now. “Fine. My ankle gets a bit stiff in the evenings, but only if I’ve walked a lot that day. The doctor said general aches and pains are normal while I’m getting back to normal.”
He nodded without looking at her. “I’ll never forget the sight of you in the hospital bed that day.” His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “You were so broken, your face so bruised.”
Knowing that he’d seen her like that ripped a part of her open anew; a sense of vulnerability sliced through her.
“I wish…” She shook her head. What had she been intending to say? She wished that he hadn’t seen her like that? That the hospital hadn’t called him? She followed that thought through, imagined how different this would all have been – imagined what would have happened to Jack, and knew that she wouldn’t change a thing. “I’m glad you were there. For Jack.” The words were hoarse – how could they be anything else? Emotions were overflowing inside of her.
Only it brought them back to the pain of that discovery, to the fact she hadn’t told him about Jack, to the betrayal he felt.
She took another scoop of gelati, wondering at the mess she’d found her way into. She’d been so sure raising Jack on her own was the right decision, but the more she’d got to know Fiero, to see him with Jack, the more that certainty had eroded, so now she was left with a torrent of doubts.
“Jack.” His face shifted and their eyes locked over their son’s head. Her throat felt raw with unshed tears. “Where does his name come from?”
“You don’t like it?”
His frown was just a flicker in his face. “On the contrary, it suits him.”
She forced herself to relax. There was no point seeing attacks in everything he said, accusations and blame. He was making conversation without agenda. He was asking questions about th
eir son, just like he said he would. He wanted to know everything. “It was my father’s name,” she breathed slowly, making a conscious effort to relax. “I hadn’t really thought about it, but when I first held him in my arms, it just felt right.”
Fiero nodded. “It’s a strong name. Wilful. Confident. I like it.”
His approval warmed her. “Me too.”
She tousled Jack’s hair on autopilot, her smile distracted. “He was a strong baby. He did everything early. Lifting his head. Rolling over. Crawling. Standing. He’s always been determined to move, to explore the world on his own.”
“It can’t have been easy for you, recovering from his delivery and being on your own, on the other side of the world.”
“No,” she agreed. “It’s funny, I didn’t exactly have a plan in mind when I left Australia. I thought I’d travel. Clear my head.” Her expression was wistful. “After mum and dad died, I just needed to get away. Everything reminded me of them – not in a good way. In the ‘I failed them’ kind of way. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t bear to slip back into my old life, my old job, putting my energies into the things that had seemed so vitally important before they died, knowing how much I’d let them down.”
“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself for this,” he murmured.
She had another scoop of gelati, thinking back to that time in her life. “The thing is, I didn’t really have any great friends in Australia, no one who would have helped me with a baby. It’s not as though going home would have made things easier.”
“Surely there must have been someone?”
She shook her head. “I worked such long hours. Most of my friendships from high school and university fell by the wayside and my work friendships were kind of superficial. I told you, I focussed on my career to the exclusion of all else.”
“Relationships?”
“You mean with guys?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Or women, if that’s your thing.”