"Don't get all sappy on me," Ash griped, then ordered another round of beer for both of them. He finished off his burger while Sloane finished his turkey wrap. When they were done eating, they moved over to the bar. They weren't far from the hospital, and although it was likely Dex and Cael wouldn't be along anytime soon, neither wanted to go home without their guys. Sloane wasn't the only one who had turned into a sap.
"It kills me every time he has a panic attack," Ash said, staring down into his whiskey glass. "I know what to do to help, but I still feel helpless because I know why it's happening. Knowing he's feeling so overwhelmed that his body starts working against him, that he can't breathe.... It kills me, Sloane. I, um...." He took another sip of his drink, as if he were bracing himself for whatever he was going to say. "I was worried, you know. After his first one, after that asshole Fuller showed up."
"From what I hear, you handled it great."
"That's not what I was worried about."
Sloane frowned. "What were you worried about, then?"
"I was worried I'd end up hurting Cael. I'm a lion Therian, Sloane. You know what we're like. Abrasive, cocky, proud, hotheaded, hardheaded. Cael's the complete opposite. For fuck's sake, even his angriest chirp is adorable. He's happy, excitable, and so goddamn good. He's got more energy in his little finger than I have in my whole body. He's fucking loyal to a fault, and God help the poor bastard who hurts his family
. He's got razor-sharp claws, and he's not afraid to use them."
"So what's the problem?"
"It's not a problem. I love him." Ash took another sip of his whiskey. "I love him so damned much. But he's so... delicate. No, not delicate. He's strong as fuck. What's the word I'm looking for? He's... vulnerable. He gets overwhelmed, has panic attacks, is anxious, rarely still, and has little bursts of randomness that can escalate into--what to him--feels like a life-or-death situation. Example. We were watching TV, and suddenly he sprang in the air, jumped over the back of the couch, and ran upstairs because he just remembered he didn't hang his towel up after taking a shower, and if he didn't hang up the towel that second, he'd have a fucking breakdown. He scared the shit out of me."
"So basically he does everything that would drive you batshit crazy," Sloane offered.
"Yes! Exactly. He's everything that would normally drive me fucking insane, but it's Cael, and I don't know. Instead of seeing those individual traits, I just see Cael." Ash's eyes widened, as if surprised by his own response.
"That's called being in love with someone."
"Yeah, but not just that. I mean, so there's all that, right? And I thought, fuck, I'm gonna end up breaking his heart. He's going to do something, and I'm going to snap. I'm gonna do some asshole thing or say something and break his heart."
"What changed your mind?"
Ash's expression darkened. "When he came back downstairs after hanging up the towel, I told him it was fine, that it could have been picked up later, and he got upset. Once I got him to talk to me about it, he told me he was upset because he thought that I thought he was being stupid."
Sloane swallowed hard. "Fuller."
"That son of a bitch fucked him up good, Sloane, and I hate that when I try to reassure him about something like that, that his instinct is to blame himself. Don't get me wrong, if I do something he's not happy about, he'll let me know. He doesn't put up with my bullshit. But if he thinks he fucked up? It was a fucking towel, right? Not to him. To him he'd fucked up and I thought he was stupid because of it." Ash cursed under his breath and threw back the rest of his drink. Meanwhile, Sloane was still nursing his beer. It was obvious this had been weighing on Ash's mind for some time.
"So what happened after he told you that?"
"We sat down, he curled up against me, and I promised him that nothing he ever did would make me think he was stupid. He's the smartest, most amazing guy I know, and nothing is more important to me than him. I reminded him about my whole coasters hang up and asked him if he thought I was stupid. He said of course he didn't. That he understood, so I said I understood him too."
"Did he believe you?"
"I think he's starting to, but it'll take time. He knows I love him, but there's that little part of his brain that's afraid of it happening again. The trust is there, which is important, and he sees me for who I am, knows I'm nothing like Fuller and that I'd never hurt him, but knowing something and getting your body to know it are two different things. We're working through it. Communicating a lot. We fucking talk about everything. Me." Ash let out a laugh. "Sometimes even I don't believe it."
"So things are okay between you two?"
Ash smiled, and it reached his amber eyes. "It's never been fucking better. He's got me wrapped around his little finger, and I don't give a shit who knows it. Unless he kicks me to the curb, I ain't going anywhere, and if that happens, I know I'm fucked, because there's no one like him."
"Wow."
"Yep." Ash tapped the bar and asked for a round of beers. Sloane finished his off before reaching for the just delivered full glass, surprised when Ash held his beer up for a toast. "Let's face it. They got us by the balls. But here's to loving every second of it."
Sloane laughed and tapped his beer glass against Ash's. "Hear, hear." His phone rang, and he took a sip of his beer before fishing his phone out of his pocket. Maybe Dex was meeting him sooner than expected. "Weird."
"What?" Ash asked.
Sloane showed him his phone and the blank screen.
"Probably a fucking telemarketer," Ash grumbled.
Sloane tapped to answer his phone, then put it to his ear. "Hello?" Nothing but silence. "Who's calling?" Sloane shrugged at Ash's unspoken question. For a second, he thought he heard wheezing followed by a strange gurgling sound, but it was so faint and the bar so loud, he couldn't really tell. Before he could ask whoever was on the call if they needed help, the line went dead. He tried to star 69 it, but after a beep, the line went dead again. Sloane hung up with a frown. "You think I should call it in?"