CHAPTERSEVENTEEN
DÉSIRÉE
My eyes have yet to close since I’ve laid down. After Olivia had the babies yesterday, Malcolm and I stayed at the hospital with my family. Malcolm and the rest of the guys were running around the entire time that we were there. All the women stayed with Olivia, oohing and aahing over the babies. By the time we were ready to come home, the men were pretty much dead on their feet.
Malcolm and I dove right into bed, but even though Malcolm slipped right to sleep, my mind has not shut off since I got in the bed. I’ve tried to do everything that I normally would do to get to sleep, but nothing is helping. Once my mind stops thinking about my new nephews, it starts to dredge up old memories about Dimitri, and I end up even more tense than I’ve been in a while. I don’t want to wake Malcolm up. I know how tired he is. The man does everything for me. It’s time that I start trying to cope on my own without running to him every time I start to break down. I know he’ll be there if I do, but I need to find a way to get some level of independence back. I want to get back to who I was before my month from hell.
When I look at the clock again, I see that it’s already near seven in the morning. Malcolm is still dead asleep, but I know I can’t stay in bed any longer. I slip out from under the covers, and Malcolm doesn’t move. I feel a little bad sneaking out, but Malcolm has to learn to trust me as well. I’m not his prisoner, so I shouldn’t have to tell him every time I want to go out. I’m grown, and that means I should be able to leave without getting permission first. I quickly throw on some clothes and head out for a little walk.
* * *
The little walk turned into coffee and a Danish, which turned into shopping. I kept my phone on, but sometime after the shopping, it died. I’ve decided to stay in a crowd for as long as I need to in order to shake this uneasy feeling I have. It seems like every time I’m out, I feel like someone is watching me. I know it’s because I’m just waiting for Dimitri to jump out from around every corner, but I can’t live with this fear any longer.
It’s already close to ten in the morning now, and more people have started to come out to get on with their day. A woman screams on the other side of the street, and I jump at the sound. My eyes immediately search for the threat, only to see her running into the arms of one of her friends. I hate that danger is the first thing my mind goes to. After a few hours out here, it’s clear I’m no closer to shaking this fear. It feels like the hairs on the back of my neck have been standing on end since I got out of the house with Malcolm. If he’s not up by now, maybe I can get back home before he does. If he’s awake, I should get back before he loses his mind because he can’t find me.
“Désirée?”
I turn quickly at the sound of my name. I instantly relax when I see my twin brother Tristan standing there with a cup of coffee in his hand. “What’re you doing here?”
“I had a hard time sleeping after we left the hospital, I stayed in bed until about eight, tossing and turning, but I never got to sleep. I figured I’d just come out for a walk and get the day started.” He shrugs, and I can’t help but laugh. Tristan and I have always been close, but sometimes that twin bond gets a bit strange. Seems he was having the same bad night I was, even if we were in different places.
“Yeah, the same with me.”
“Damn, that sucks.” Tristan takes a sip of his coffee and looks over to the side. “So where’s Malcolm?”
“Uhh . . . well . . . I actually . . .”
“Désirée . . . what the fuck! Does he not know you’re here?” Tristan instantly reaches for his phone.
“No, wait! Don’t call him.” I grab hold of him. My brother’s eyes squint, and he glares at me.
“Is there some problems going on between you two because you know you can always come stay with me or any of us? You don’t have to stay with him if you don’t want to.”
I roll my eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous. Malcolm treats me like I walk on water. He’s perfect in so many ways. I just . . . It’s hard to explain.” I rub my neck and can still feel the goosebumps there. I look behind me again and see nothing but people walking around. No one is looking at me.
“Try. You know you can always talk to me.” He puts his phone back in his pocket.
“When I’m with Malcolm, I feel like nothing will ever reach me. It feels like Armageddon itself could be about to happen, and he’d still keep me safe.” I smile when Tristan puts his arm over my shoulder, and we begin to walk.
“That’s what it’s supposed to feel like. I hate to say it, but the man has been hung up on you for longer than I care to think about.” Tristan chuckles lightly. “But I don’t understand what the problem is.”
“The problem is whenever he’s not around, I feel like I’m going to crumble to pieces. It feels like there’s someone watching me everywhere I turn. I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel like I can heal and be myself if I can’t function without being chained to his side.” I look up into my brother’s face and hope he can understand what I’m saying.
“You need a self-defense refresher course,” he says with a tight nod.
“What?” I stop walking and shake my head. How did we get to me taking classes?
“Not that I know much about it, but most of the time, when I hear about women who’ve been a victim of one crime or another, they find learning how to protect themselves helps them move on. It’s one thing for Malcolm to be your protector, but you need to be reminded that you can depend on yourself as well. So self-defense, maybe something you haven’t been taught yet.” He shrugs and takes another sip of his coffee.
“I’m sure Malcolm wouldn’t mind showing me a few things to make sure that I’m not a victim, but in the meantime, is there something that I could have just in case. Like a weapon?”
He gives me the side-eye, “You want me to give you a gun?”
“No, not a gun, but maybe a knife? Taser? Pepper spray?” Just thinking about having those things makes me feel a little better.
He stops and looks at me, “Actually, there’s a place not too far from here. You can pick up a few things. I’ll show you what to do with them. That’s actually a good idea.”
“I’m known to have them from time to time.” I laugh as I follow my brother to this secret place.