Emery
When I foundout I was pregnant, claws of panic worked their way up my throat at the thought of my career taking a back seat. I could see it all, vividly passing by in front of me. It was the number one thing I struggled with when I found out I was going to be a mother.
Being an attorney, becoming a partner, establishing a name for myself in an industry dominated by men…. it’s what I’ve spent the last ten years of my life working for.
I’ve put every ounce of myself into my career. Blood, sweat, tears. There was never another option, not when the goals I set for myself were so high and hard to obtain.
And now everything I worked for is in front of me, at my fingertips. I’m well on my way to becoming a partner, and having my name on the wall next to the men whose fathers paved the way for them.
It’s everything I could’ve hoped for and more.
Yet, sitting at my desk, surrounded by files and paperwork, and all the things that used to excite me, I feel… different.
Unfulfilled.
The dream I once had feels completely different now that I’m a mom. I miss my girls, and being back at work, as badly as I thought I wanted it, pales in comparison to being with my babies.
It’s Friday, and my first official day back in the office and away from Quinn and Charlotte.
They're at home with my mom, and while I completely trust her to take care of them… I just miss them.
I’ve spent the last few weeks with just the two of them. Learning from each other, and now I feel dependent on them. Like if I wasn’t their mother, i don’t know what I would be anymore. I’m no longer the Emery who existed before Charlotte and Quinn. I wake up in the morning, and the first thing I think about is holding them in my arms, nursing them, spending time memorizing all of their features and praying that time somehow slows down, so I can savor each and every second together.
“You good, Emery?” Lucy asks, poking her head into my cubicle. “You look a little lost.” Sympathy shines in her eyes, and being a mother, I’m sure she understands completely what it’s like to leave your babies.
“Yeah, I just… it’s my first day back, and I didn’t expect to be this sad,” I say, a frown tugging at my lips.
She nods. “Being a working mom is hard, but you will find that balance, Emery. I did, it just took a little while to find my groove. Something I really loved to do was wake up early with my little ones. Eat breakfast together and talk about our day. It was our special time together. I have no doubt that you'll find that balance.”
Her words pierce my heart, and I feel the hot sting of tears in my eyes. God, I miss my girls. I can’t wait to be home with them.
“Oh sweetie, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you. I only meant to say I understand, and it’s okay to feel sad. And that I know it is hard, but I truly know how hard working and ambitious you are and I know how much this job means to you. You’ll figure it out, dear.” She walks over and pulls me in for a hug, squeezing tighter when she hears my sniffle. After a moment, she pulls back and gives me a sad smile, then leaves me alone in my cubicle.
I pull my phone out for the hundredth time today and FaceTime my mom, who answers on the first ring. Her bright smile comes in to view, and I can see that she’s sitting on the couch with her reading glasses on.
“Hey mama, I just wanted to check on the girls… again.”
Mom’s delicate laugh floats through the speaker, instantly making my tears well again. Heck, my emotions are all over the place today. I just feel so overwhelmingly sad.
“Charlotte and Quinn are both fine, sweetheart. They’ve just had their lunchtime bottle, and now they’re getting some tummy time in on their playmats.”
She flips the camera around and shows me the girls on their bellies, staring into the mirror on their playmats and playing with the toys attached.
A sigh of relief tumbles from my lips. “Thanks, Mama. I’m just feeling anxious today. My chest feels heavy, and I can’t focus on anything.”
She smiles sadly. “It’s hard leaving your babies, Emery. But, on the positive side of things, it’s Friday, and your day is halfway through, meaning you’ll be home with them before you know it. Graham just walked in with some groceries, so I’m going to help put them away and then rock both of the girls to sleep. I’ll send you some photos of them later, okay?"
“Okay, Mama. Thank you.” I sniffle.
'“Love you, baby girl.”
“Love you, mama.”
Once we hang up, I begin sifting through the contracts on my desk. Somehow in the past few weeks, I’ve forgotten how monotonous reviewing contract verbiage can be.
My phone vibrates with a message, and to my surprise, it’s not from my mom, it’s from Graham.
I open it and it’s a photo of Graham gazing down at both girls with a look of adoration in his eyes, and a wide smile on his lips makes my heart squeeze.