Meaning, I’m going to have to give up my job, or he’s going to have to give up hockey in order for this to work, and it seems like those are the only choices, if I decide to give Graham another chance.
“I think you should take each day as it comes. Don’t make any rash decisions, think about what you want both with Graham, and think about what you want if he wasn’t here. If being without him is what you want for you and the girls.”
I nod, leaning into her touch. “Thanks, Holl. I love you.”
“Love you too, babe.”
“My nipples still hurt.”
She laughs, causing the babies to stir in my arms. “Well, they’ve got cream for that too, but you’re doing an amazing job feeding these baby girls.” She gently rubs Charlotte’s cheek as we gaze down at them both. “Sorry to say this, but these girls lookjustlike their daddy.”
Trust me, I know it, and each time I look at them, I can’t help but think about Graham and where our future lies. It’s the most bittersweet thing I’ve ever experienced. Of course I carry them both for nine months, give birth to them, and they come out lookingjustlike their daddy.
Even so, they’re the most beautiful baby girls I’ve ever seen. Maybe I’m biased, but lately, I find it hard to even take my eyes off them for a second, terrified I’ll miss something.
The other day, Quinn smiled in her sleep, and I cried for an hour, realizing that time is passing so quickly, and no matter what I do, I won’t be able to hold on to it. It makes me sad to think that I could not experience all of these things with their daddy, the man that I fought so hard not to fall for but did. I fell so hard and so fast, and now I feel like a shell of who I used to be without our family together. I feel hurt, and betrayed, and I can’t help but feel this way.
To feel broken.
We’re strangers, passing side by side, and I want so badly to reach out when we pass each other in the hallway. It makes my heart physically hurt. All of this.
“Holl, I’m so sad all the time, and it’s not just because of the decisions I have to face with Graham. I feel sad more often than happy, and it doesn’t feel like I’m…meanymore. I made an appointment after researching postpartum. I think I may have it. At first, I thought it was just because of everything happening with Graham, but it’s not. It’s deeper than that, and I think I need help. I feel like I’m failing my girls.”
“Oh Em, don’t say that, babe. You are the best mother to these girls. You are so strong, and brave, and resilient. It’s okay to not be okay. Lots of mothers experience this, and you are so strong for making your appointment. I think your doctor will know exactly what to do, but in the meantime, it’s me and you, babe. I’ll be here every chance I can to help with the babies, and you know, night or day, you text, I’ll be here.”
I nod. “I know, Holl. Thank you again. I love you. Who would’ve thought in middle school that our friendship would leave us being actual sisters with newborns at the same time?”
Smirking, she shrugs, then pulls me against her side, so I can rest my head on her shoulder. “Well, I hoped that your brother would notice me at some point…”
“Promise me something,” I say.
“Anything.”
“Never leave me.”
She puts her arm around me. “Not now, not ever.”