Emery
Motherhood iseverything I expected it to be, and yetnothinglike I had imagined. If that makes any sense at all.
The love I feel for Charlotte and Quinn is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s fierce and all-consuming. Like my purpose in life has finally been fulfilled, just knowing that they exist. An overwhelming sense of pride fills me every time I look at their sweet faces. I can hardly believe that Graham and I made such perfection.
It seems unreal that these perfect little girls are ours. Quinn sighs sleepily in my arms, while Charlotte wiggles, her little eyelids fluttering open slightly. I imagine she will have the most imagination. I can only wonder what it is she dreams about that leaves her more restless than Quinn.
Everything has changed in the last two weeks. Not just becoming a new mom, and trying to navigate all of these changes and feelings, but Graham and I have hardly spoken after the night the girls were born. Tension hangs in the air every time we’re in the same room, and I hate it.
I hate that my trust has been broken, and that looking at him…hurts.
It’s not that I think he purposely tried to hurt me. I know that he didn’t. It’s more that he didn’t trust me enough to tell me; he still hid the truth from me even though he knows how much I value honesty.
In a split second, what we had built shattered around us. I went from looking at him with stars in my eyes, ready to confess how hard I had fallen, to not even being able to look at him.
His silence, when it mattered most, hurt too much.
I look at my girls, and feel such overwhelming happiness, but then I feel an immense amount of sadness that I can’t share all of these happy moments with Graham. That was our plan, and now nothing feels right. When I see him with the girls, my heart breaks a little bit further. He’s so gentle, and good with them. There are so many things I feel as if we’re missing by being apart, yet still surviving in the same home.
I swallow around the emotion clogging my throat. It always makes my chest feel tight and heavy when I think about Graham lately.
“You okay, Em?” Holland asks softly, looking up from Ava Kate, who’s she’s breastfeeding across from me.
My best friend having a newborn of her own, at the same time that I have twins, well… it’s chaos, but the best chaos I’ve ever known. I don’t feel so alone. Holland’s an amazing mother, just like I knew she would be, and even though our journeys are different, I still feel a sense of peace knowing she is by my side.
“Truthfully? No. I’m not. My nipples hurt, I haven’t slept in at least three days, and every time I think abouthim, I cry,” I answer honestly. I don’t need to hide the truth from Holland.
Her eyes soften, full of sympathy. She nods. “Oh Em.”
“I just… how do I forgive him? How do we move on from this? How can I ever trust him again, Holland? He kept this from me. He knew it was a possibility and never thought to tell me, “Hey, I might have to move across the country and leave you here with our newborn twins.” I can’t even bear to look at him. Not just because he didn’t tell me the truth, but because he’sleaving, Holland. He’s going to leave us behind. It makes me question everything that I thought I knew about us. About our relationship. This life we were building together. Am I not important enough to be a part of decisions like this with him? He wanted this. He is the one who made me fall in love with him, and secretly, he had this entire career and life he was planning for somewhere else.”
Maybe it’s my anger talking, but still the tears that have welled in my eyes, spill, hot and damp down my cheeks. Quinn whimpers in my arms, and I gently rock her back and forth, sniffling.
“I think he’s an idiot, for multiple reasons, and we ride at dawn. Seriously, I will back over him in my car for hurting you,” she says, her face a mask of seriousness.
So serious it makes me laugh as I wipe away a few escaped tears.
“I’m serious. You’re my best friend and my loyalty will always lie with you. No matter what. I hope you know that, Em,” she says fiercely, her eyes brimming with anger.
“I do, of course I do, Holl. I know it must be hard for you since my brother is his best friend.”
Before I can even finish my sentence, she stops me, her jaw firm. “Never. I don’t care what happens, you are my best friend, and if we have to “goodbye earl” him and never speak of it again, then that’s what we’ll do. He’s stupid for holding the truth from you, Em, even if hethoughtit was the right thing. But, I do think that you should talk to him. If you’re truly feeling this way, then you need to discuss it with him and tell him how you feel.” She looks at me with a sad smile as she pulls her shirt down, and puts a sleeping Ava Kate next to her on the couch.
Turning back toward me, she reaches out, rubbing my arm reassuringly. “I don’t know Graham the way that I know you, but I do know you, Emery Davidson. I know that you are fierce and kind-hearted, and the kind of person that anyone wants on their side. Your brother has a lot of those qualities, and it’s part of the reason that I fell in love with him. I also know that love isn’t linear. Love is hard. I never understood why people say that it’s the easiest thing in the world. It’s complicated, it’s messy, it’s chaotic. No one enters a relationship without flaws and trauma and jagged pieces. It takes work and it takes forgiveness, and time to make all of those pieces fit imperfectly together. And even though they don’t always fit perfectly, they still fit together, and you fill those empty spaces with your love, and patience, and understanding. You fill them with laughter, adventure, and happiness. You build your life together piece by piece.”
Her words cause my stomach to tighten into an impossible knot, tugging and pulling from the pain in my heart.
“To love someone is to love all of those broken pieces. I’m not saying forgive him, Em, but I am saying give him a chance to prove his dedication to you. To prove his loyalty. To prove he is the man that is worthy to be loved by you. Let him fight for you. Let him grovel, let him do all the things that it takes to earn back your trust. If in your heart, Graham is truly, without a shadow of a doubt, what you want, then don’t give up. Let him fight for your love. Be angry, be hurt, tell him every single thing inside your heart… and let him fix what he’s broken. Make him work hard for it Emery, make him prove his love for you, just like you are proving your love for him by giving him the chance to earn your trust back in the first place. Either way, I will stand by you until the last day, and whatever you decide, I’ll be here to pick up the pieces.”
My chest feels so heavy as I consider her advice. She squeezes my arm reassuringly. “In your heart, you know the answer. It’s not one that I, or anyone else, can make for you. It’s you, Em. I’m her for whatever you need. If you want to cry, if you want to scream. And like I said… I’ll slash his tires with you if that’s what you want. Your brother is rich enough to pay our bail.”
I laugh, shaking my head. “Okay, now you sound like me.”
Grinning, she shrugs. “Gotta do what I gotta do for my girl.”
“Why is this so hard, Holl? Even if Icanforgive him for being dishonest and breaking my trust. He’s still moving across the country. Not down the road, or even to the town over. He’s moving to the other side of the country, thousands of miles away. While I’m here, withourdaughters.”
“People do have long-distance relationships, you know? We live in the age of FaceTime, email, and text. But, I get it. I don’t know, Em. I think both of you will have to make sacrifices that aren’t easy, if you want to make this work. You have two babies together; unfortunately, no matter the outcome of your relationship, you will have to work together to raise Quinn and Charlotte.”