I’m not ready for this conversation, not now, not ever.
Fuck, I can’t do this. How am I supposed to be strong? How am I supposed to be strong for her when I’m falling apart inside?
“Ma…” I trail off, my voice breaking with emotion.
She shakes her head. “I don’t know what the future holds, baby, and I don’t know if I’ll be here to see all those wonderful memories that you will make with your baby girls and that’s the reality that we are facing. But believe me, I will be watching from up there.” She points to the sky. “If I can’t be here to see those sweet girls grow up, I’ll watch from the heavens or wherever my soul wanders to. I’m not afraid, Graham. I’ll fight with every breath inside of me, till I can no longer fight, but if it’s my time, then it is my time, and when that time comes, I want you and Allie to be filled with happiness. I want you to know that you two gave me so much joy and happiness and that I’m not scared.”
“Ma, the chemo, it could kill all of the cancer, we can get a second opinion, we can get a third for fucks sake.”
“Shh, Graham. I know, baby. I know. I just need you to know these things. I need you to be prepared in the event that I can’t beat it, sweetheart. Leaving you and Allie and Emery and the girls, it makes me sad, but you know who’s waiting for me on the other side? Your dad. And, baby, I have waited so long to see him. So if my time on Earth is done, then I’ll be reunited with the love of my life.”
Her words cause me to fall apart. A tidal wave of emotion that I can no longer contain. Pain like I’ve never felt envelops me. A sob rips through my chest, echoing into the inky night before me. My chest hurts, a physical pain that doesn’t seem to lessen any with her words. My shoulders shake as hoarse, strangled cries leave me.
I can’t lose my ma; I don’t know how to do this. To be strong when I feel more weak than I’ve ever felt before.
“Baby boy, don’t cry, come here,” she says, pulling my shaking frame against her small, frail one. “I know it hurts, and I know you’re scared, and it’s okay to feel that way. Be here for me, hold my hand when I’m scared, that’s all I’ll ask from you. Be here for me.”
“Of course I will, Ma, I’ll be here no matter what.”
She nods. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I was sick Graham, I should have and I regret it. I just didn’t want to taint any of the happiness in your life. You’ve got Emery and now your beautiful baby girls, I couldn’t be responsible for taking away from that. The last few weeks, I have felt worse than ever before. Allie told me she told you before I could have the chance to call you. I’m sorry it wasn’t me, baby.”
I shake my head, “Ma, don’t apologize. I’m not angry… I just… I wish I could’ve been here this entire time. It kills me to think you were going through this with just Allie, and I should’ve been here.”
“No, you were exactly where you needed to be. With my granddaughters and Emery. Now, tell me about my girls, let’s stop talking about this sad stuff. Emery sent me a few pictures a couple of days ago, they are getting so big. Graham, they look just like you.”
Sitting back, I look over at the smile on her face, and my stomach twists. “I wish I could have brought them Ma, but Em had to stay and work, and she is still breastfeeding.”
She shoos me. “I know, of course. I love that she texts me photos and videos, it’s almost like I’m there. They are the sweetest baby girls. I’ve tried to pick up knitting like your grandma, but Lord, I am terrible. Pretty sure the Goodwill wouldn’t even take this stuff.”
We laugh together, and she takes my hand in hers. It feels so tiny and feeble in mine, and my heart lurches.
“I love you, Ma.”
“I love you too, baby boy. Always and forever.”
Two weeks pass in the blink of an eye. I attend all of Ma’s appointments, every single one of them, and hold her hand through the hours of chemo.
I try to be strong for her, but every single day wears on my soul. Fuck, I’m so worried about her. The doctors warned us that she would probably look worse during the chemo, since it’s a form of damn poison itself, but that poison will kill the cancer.
She looks exhausted. Her body is being put through the ringer in so many different ways, and no matter what, I can’t take the pain from her, and it kills me. I keep myself busy on the farm, running things when we’re not at the doctor or her chemo days and spend every damn second of every day missing my girls.
I’m thankful for FaceTime, but my heart aches to hold them. To rock them. To kiss their cheeks, and fuck… Em. It feels like a piece of my soul is missing, and I’m hollow.
It’s late, and I’m lying in bed watching the girls play on the floor with Em on FaceTime.
Charlotte giggles when Em tickles her belly, and the sound causes my chest to ache.
“I miss you so much, Em. I miss my girls,” I say quietly.
Em’s beautiful face comes back into view. Sympathy shining in her eyes as she smiles sadly. “I miss you so much, the girls miss you. Quinn rolled over this morning, all on her own. I tried to video it, but she did it so quickly, I couldn’t catch it.”
“I hate missing everything. I’d do anything to have you here with me.”
And I would. Fuck, I’d move heaven and Earth to have Em and the girls by my side through this.
“I wish we could be there with you.” A tear slips free, and she quickly swipes it away. “Everything feels…emptywithout you here. I keep rolling over, and reaching for you and you aren’t here. How is your mom today? Is she feeling any better? I’ve been worrying so much.”
It’s the same question she asks me every single day, without fail, even though she texts my mom every day as well.