Graham
Allie pickedme up at the airport less than six hours later. The second we saw each other, the small amount of restraint I’d somehow gathered during the flight crumbled.
She flew into my arms, both of us clinging to each other in desperation. There was a very good chance our mother would die from this cancer, leaving us without either of our parents, and that thought alone terrified me so much that I could hardly fucking breathe.
I didn’t even want to think about it, the possibility of a life where my ma wasn’t here, but it was a reality that I was suddenly facing, whether I wanted to or not.
“Graham, I’m so scared,” Allie mumbles against my chest, her hot tears soaking through the cotton of my t-shirt.
I tighten my arms around her, not caring in the least of what we must look like because right now, we need each other. We need to lean on each other, so we can be strong for Ma.
“I know, Allie cat. I’m scared too. But Ma isn’t going to go down without a fight, and we gotta be strong for her.” I pull back and look at her. “We gotta be the same for her as she’s always been for us. It’s our turn.”
Allie nods, wiping away tears from her face, and sniffles. “I’m trying.”
“C’mon, let's get home and see her.”
Together, we get into the same truck that Ma’s been driving since we were kids, that was once my dad’s. Sitting in the passenger seat this time feels so bitter fucking sweet, it’s completely different than ever before. My mind races as Allie drives down the familiar roads of my tiny home town, passing all of the landmarks that are ingrained in my memory. This place once had nothing to offer me and I couldn’t wait to escape. Now, it feels more like home than ever.
“Do you remember the time you and Lane decided you were going to break into the city hall and get on the roof, and Ma had to pick you up at two a.m. in her nightgown?” Allie asks, pointing toward a brick building as we pass.
Memories come flooding back as we drive through Main Street. This town holds most of the happy memories of my life, but also some of the worst. Dad’s funeral procession was down this very street, and the tiny cemetery on the outskirts of town, where we laid him to rest.
“I’ll never forget that day.” I laugh loudly. “She was so mad, she grounded me for an entire week. The longest I had ever been in trouble. But, it was still less than you got for tee-peeing old man Jackson’s yard your freshman year.”
Her eyes widen and she shakes her head, laughing. “Oh shit, I totally forgot about that. I thought she was going to kill me. We’ve been a handful at times, haven’t we?”
I nod. Because we have.
But I also know that Ma would do anything in the world for us, and no matter what we did, she’d love us through it. It was never a question. Ma was like that. Forgiving to a fault.
When we pull up to the farm, my childhood home, with peeling white paint and a wraparound porch of pillars, I almost cry for the third time tonight.
Ma’s leaning against the front porch pillar, her eyes shining with tears, wrapped in a blanket my grandma knitted for her forever ago. I step out of the truck, and I go to her without pause.
When I make it up the stairs, I tenderly pull her into my arms and hold on so tightly, I never want to let go. I’m terrified to let go, that if I do, she’ll disappear.
“Ma.” My voice cracks brokenly.
“My baby boy, I’m alright.” She leans back and brings her hand to my cheek, gazing up at me. “I’m going to be alright.”
But we both know that it’s only something to placate me. She doesn’t know what the future holds, and I’m so fucking scared. More scared than I’ve ever been in my entire life.
In the blink of an eye, life can change. We know that better than most after losing Dad.
“I need you to be okay Ma, I- I-… I need you to be here for my girls. I can’t lose you. Ican’t.”
“Oh, my darling boy, come sit with me. Here. Come on.” She grabs my hand and pulls me toward the porch swing. I sit with her on the worn wood and stare out toward the darkness that blankets the farm. My chest is so tight with emotion and anxiousness that I can hardly take a full breath. Now that I’m here, I can see that Ma looks sick. She looks utterly exhausted, deep purple blue bags under her eyes, and she’s visibly lost weight. She’s wrapped up tight in a deep blue wool blanket, and it looks as if it might swallow her small body whole.
I gently pull her into my arms, and just.. hold her. Silently thanking God for the opportunity to be here with her right now, for another moment with her. God, I need this woman more than she will ever know. I need my Ma, and I can’t imagine her not being here with me. I don’t even want to imagine that.
My hand rubs up and down her blanket covered arm gently, trying to give whatever strength I possess in this moment as silence wraps around us.
We just breathe. Rock on the porch swing together while wrapped in each other’s arms.
"Life is full of the unexpected, Graham. Each day that we are given is a blessing, each second that we experience happiness, love, and joy is a gift. It’s why I’ve lived my life with no regrets, I’ve lived and I’ve loved. I’ve laughed, I’ve watched my babies grow into the best people I’ve ever known. I’ve lived a long, happy, fulfilled life.”
I look over at her and see the peaceful smile on her face and the tears on her cheeks, and something inside me breaks.