The longer she shuts me out completely, the less I feel like I can fix this. She has to let me fix this. I won’t give her up.
She grinds her teeth together, glancing away, unable to hold my eyes any longer. "I'm tired.”
Another conversation ended in what feels a lot like defeat. I need to talk to me, so when she tries to brush past me, I reach out once more, and this time, my hand connects with her fingers, only barely.
“I’m sorry, Emery. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner. I… I honestly thought that it would never happen.”
A beat passes, my eyes holding hers, the tension hangs heavily between us, before she nods and pulls her hand free. Then, pushes past me and shuts the door to her bedroom behind her.
Leaving me alone with nothing but regret, and a pain that physically hurts inside my chest.
I’m not giving up. IloveEmery, and I will do whatever it takes, however long it takes to gain her trust back. I’ve spent the last nine months fighting for her, fighting my way through the wall around her heart. Fighting to show her that I love her and I wouldn’t let her down… that loving me the way I love her is worth the risk.
A soft cry pulls me from my thoughts, so I walk back over to where our girls are sleeping swaddled side by side. Charlotte’s beginning to wake, so I scoop her into my arms and cuddle her to my chest.
“Hey daddy’s baby girl,” I coo as I run my finger lightly down her cheek. Her skin is so soft, it makes happiness bubble inside my chest. She’s so delicate, so innocent, and all I want is to fiercely protect both her and Quinn. I breathe her in, trying to hold on to the baby scent before it fades. Before she grows any bigger. The week since their birth has passed in the blink of an eye, proving that it’s true what they say, about being afraid to miss something.
If there’s anything I’ve learned in the first week of being a dad, it’s that my girls are my heart living outside my body, and I don’t want to miss a single second of watching them grow. They’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, along with Em. I may not be sure of a lot anymore, but I know that. Down to my fucking soul. These girls are my world, and I am not going to lose them. Not any of them.
Since the moment I laid eyes on my baby girls, I knew I would do anything in the world to protect them. That my life is nothing without them. Being their dad is what I was born to do. I know that, no matter where life takes me, the only thing that matters is my girls. My family. And even when I fuck up and make mistakes, like not telling Emery that I was traded, being there for my girls will always be what matters most.
That even if I’m gone, they’ll remember all of those things about me.
I’ve spent the last week thinking about my dad, and the bond that we shared. I get it now, more than ever, how important it is to put my girls first, just like my dad did for Allie and me. I want to be even half the man that he was, and now that I’ve been given the chance, I’m going to be the best damn father I can be.
“When I was little, every chance he got my dad, your grandfather, used to tell me that he was proud of me. I remember how he was always proud of me, no matter how big or small the situation was. I remember the very first time I ever rode my bike without falling, he said he was proud, and then when I fell and skinned my knee, he told me he was proud then too. And when I got back on, my knee bandaged so tight I couldn't hardly bend my knee, and I rode twice as long as the first time, he cheered. Said he was even more proud that I got back on even after I fell. He told me that no matter what I did, no matter how many different rides I took in life, that I should always get back on after falling off. I know you probably don’t understand a word I’m saying, but I’m going to say it anyway. I’ll always be here, baby girl, no matter how many bike rides you fall down from.”
She looks up at me, those sweet blue eyes that remind me so much of her mama’s, that it makes my chest tighten with emotion. I put her in my left arm while I scoop up Quinn and take turns looking back and forth between the two of them. The perfect, beautiful babies that are mine and Em’s.
“Daddy messed up. Probably won’t be the last time, and it’s certainly not the first. I just hope I can make it right. One thing that I’ll never mess up, though, is my love for you two. I promise that, no matter what.”
Charlotte's lips turn up slightly, giving me the smallest of smiles, and I feel like it’s a sign. A sign that no matter what, I have to turn this around. If not for me and Em, then for my baby girls.
I take out my phone and snap a quick picture to send to Ma and Allie who have been blowing my phone up daily. They keep saying they’re going to get on a plane soon, but we’re still figuring out the logistics. I make a mental note to call her and check in later. She’s always got the right advice when it comes to things of the heart.
But… I think the person I really need to talk to right now is Reed.
“I was wondering how long it would take you to show up,” Reed says, following behind me after shutting the front door loudly.
I flop down on his couch and rest my head against the back.
“Wasn’t sure if you were going to beat the shit out of me or not, but then I figured I deserved it, so I’d take it then you can tell me how the fuck I fix this.”
He looks at me with a shrug, like he might actually punch me. “I should. You’re a dick.”
“Fair enough.”
“You fucked up. What the hell were you thinking, Adams? Keeping that shit from her. Fuck, keeping it from any of us?”
I sit up, running my hands through my hair in frustration. “I wasn’t thinking, obviously. That’s the fucking problem. I thought we could have this peaceful moment of unblemished happiness with our girls, and then I could tell her. I’m an idiot, Reed.”
“You are.” Reed grunts. “And you deserve to sweat in the dog house for a while.”
“Reed, all I’ve fucking done is sweat in the dog house.” My voice breaks with emotion. “I fucking love her, and I would do anything in the damn world to turn back time and not fuck this up. I fucked up the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I think it’s too late.”
He looks at me for a beat, then shakes his head, rolling his eyes. “She loves you, Adams. Even if you are an idiot. She loves you. When have you ever known Emery to give up on something? Anything?”
Never.