Graham
My ma always said,“You don’t know what you’ve got, till it’s gone.” And I never thought much about it, until this week. Until faced with the uncertainty of my entire future.
I know exactly what I have, and now… I don’t know if having Emery Davidson is still an option.
Do you want to know the worst part?
It’s not that I’m being traded from my team, dragged away from my teammates who have become family, from the place I’ve called home for the past five years.
It’s not even that Emery’s pissed at me, during what should be the happiest time of our lives.
It’s that Ihurther. I promised I would never hurt her, and I did. I fucking hurt her, and now every time she looks at me, I can see it shining in her eyes.
The pain. The heartbreak. The betrayal.
A constant reminder that I fucked up. Bad.
So badly that she may never trust me again, and fuck, I wouldn’t blame her if she didn't.
I took the best thing that’s ever happened to me, the best part of me, the part that made me whole, and I fucked it up. I had it all, my perfect family, my beautiful girls, everything I’ve ever wanted right within my reach and now… poof.
It’s gone.
We had finally made some progress, she was finally letting me in. Finally letting herself feel what was happening between us. All I want is my family, my girls. But I don’t know how to fix this, how to make it better.
“Em, talk to me. Please,” I beg, for the hundredth time since we’ve gotten home from the hospital. Emotion makes my throat feel tight, mixed with desperation.
She sighs, setting Quinn down in the bassinet after a fresh diaper change and swaddle. There are heavy, dark bags under her eyes, and she looks exhausted. Her hair is on the top of her head in a messy bun, half of it spilling from the tie and falling around her face.
Even wearing two-day old pajamas with milk stains on the front, she’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
Without question.
“Graham, I’m exhausted. You’re exhausted. Now is not the time to discuss this.” She walks toward her bedroom, but I intercept her, gently placing my hand on her arm. I notice she’s wearing my old Avalanche t-shirt that is missing a letter, and has holes. The fact that she’s still wearing it, sparks a tiny flame of hope inside me.
“I know that I fucked up, and I will regret it every day for the rest of my life, Em. Please, can we just talk? It’s been a week…” I run my hand through my hair exasperatedly, desperate for something, anything from her. I’ve been trying all week to get her to talk to me, or to evenlookat me. I know she’s hurt; I know that I betrayed her trust, even if it wasn’t done purposefully. She had to find out I was being traded on the hospital tv with a breaking news alert after giving birth to Charlotte and Quinn.
I get it. I feel like a fucking asshole, but I want her to yell at me, totell meI’m an asshole, hell, to give me anything more than the look she gets in her eyes when I walk through the door.
The disappointment. The hurt.
I can’tfuckingtake it. It’s ripping my heart to shreds. I miss her, I miss touching her. Holding her in my arms. I can’t sleep without tossing and turning, I can’t even fucking think.
The fact that she’s not expressing anything? It’s so much worse. My girl? The Emery I know would’ve probably nut punched me. She takes no shit. She’s quick to put my ass in place.
I’m scared that I’ve fucked up so badly I’ll never be able to hold her again, to ttell her tha tI love her, to see her smile.
Fuck, I’m scared that I’ve lost her for good.
“I’m an asshole, and I don’t expect you to forgive me, but Em, you gotta know that I wasn’t hiding it from you. I was going to tell you after the twins were born… I just didn’t want to taint the best day of our lives with news like that.”
Her eyes flare with anger, her hands fisting at her sides. “A day late and a dollar short, right, Graham?”
“Be angry at me. Scream at me. Tell me I’m a dick. But, please, baby, please stop holding this shit inside. I can’t stand to see you hurt like this, it’s killing me, Em. I shouldn’t have waited and I’m sorry.”
I just want her to let out all of the pent-up emotions that I know she’s feeling, so we can work through this. Together.
So I can prove myself.