“I never could have imagined all of the things I’d feel for you when I started learning about who you are or even the first night we really met. But I do. I’m so fucking gone for you that I don’t know what to do about it. I’m addicted to you, fucking obsessed with you. And I know it’s not healthy.”
“W-what are you s-saying here?” I stutter out as fear wraps itself around me.
“What I’m saying, Jodie, is that I want this. I want you. So fucking badly I can barely think about anything else. But I’m not the important one here. I fucked this up with you before I even knew who you were. And you’re going through so much right now, much of which I’ve caused.
“You need time to deal with all that. I need you to be sure that this is—that I am—really what you want.”
“Yes, Toby. It is. You are.”
“And if that is true, then it will still be the same in a few weeks once you’ve had a chance to really get your head around everything.”
“A few weeks?” I breathe. My bottom lip trembles and my heart shatters as realisation of what he’s telling me settles in my head.
“This has been… incredible, crazy, intense. And fast. And the truth behind us even meeting is a lot to take. I get that, I do. And I need to give you the time to come to terms with that.
“The last few days have been amazing, but today I’ve realised that I’ve swept you up in this life, and finding you this evening was just proof of that.
“All my life, I’ve been pegged as the nice one, and I’ve always resented it. But the past few months I’ve shed that persona and I’ve discovered that I’ve hated it even more. I want to be that good person again. I want to be the nice one, and I want to be worthy of you.”
“You are, Toby. You are so sweet and so caring. You have no idea how much you helped me overcome all of this before you—” I slam my lips closed, stopping me from addressing what happened that night in Toby’s bathroom.
“And I want to be that person again, and the best way I can figure to do that is to give you time. Once all of this has settled and you’ve had time to process it, if you want to come back to me then I’ll be waiting with open arms. And if you decide it’s all too much, that you can’t forgive me, forgive Stella, then I’ll walk away and let you move on with your life.”
An ugly sob rips from my throat.
“I don’t want that,” I argue. “I want this, I do.”
“Then we’ll have it, baby. Just take this time. Mourn your losses, do whatever you need to do so that I know you’re making the right decision.”
Unable to argue with his point, I let out a heavy sigh.
“You’re…” I pause, unable to find the right word to describe everything he is. “Everything.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not, baby. I’m so far from that right now it’s laughable. But I want to be. I want to be your everything.”
I nod, sniffling unattractively.
His eyes leave mine, catching on something over my shoulder.
“You should go in. Your mum’s waiting for you.”
My heart twists painfully at the thought of walking away from him, but before I get to say anything, he seems to read my mind.
“We’re not over, Jodie. Not unless you want us to be. I’m right at the end of the phone. I’m here for whatever you need. But I refuse to drag you into my life, into this relationship until you’ve had time to really come to terms with everything.”
“I hate this,” I admit. “But I also understand it. Today has been hard.”
“I know, baby,” he says, cupping my cheek and wiping my tears away with his thumb. “But things are going to get better, I promise.”
“Thank you,” I whisper and he frowns, not understanding why I would need to say those words. “Thank you for being honest with me this weekend, for telling all the ugly and painful parts of your life.”
“There’s one more thing,” he confesses.
“Oh?”
His eyes close for a beat, letting me know that whatever is going to come next will hurt, and I attempt to prepare myself for the blow.
“My scar,” he whispers. “The one on my chest,” he clarifies.