I took it all for granted. I thought I had the perfect life, and while it’s turned out that that is far from the truth, I wish now that I stopped even just once more to tell Joe how much I loved him, how awesome I thought he was.
It probably would have made very little difference in the grand scheme of things, but at least I would have known that he was aware of how much he meant to me.
“I’m sorry, Joe,” I whimper at the sudden despair of feeling like I’ve let him down somehow, that I could have done something along the way to stop the chain of events.
“None of it is your fault.”
My entire body jolts at his words, at the deep rumble of his voice, and my breath catches.
Have I really been here that long?
“Toby,” I breathe, twisting to look back at him over my shoulder.
He looks wrecked, his face pale, his lips pressed thin, but in his eyes there’s relief. So much fucking relief that it makes my chest ache.
“Shit. I’m so sorry, I—”
He shakes his head as he rounds the bench I’m sitting on, and I finally uncurl myself and place my feet on the ground.
“Shh,” he soothes, reaching out and pulling me into his body.
He holds me tightly as my body trembles in his arms.
“I’ve got you.”
His soft words only make the torment inside me worse, and I crumble once more. The only difference from the rest of this afternoon is that I’ve got someone to hold me up.
I have no idea how long we stand there for, but by the time I pull back from his chest, the sun has finally set and the kids in the playground have gone.
Taking my hand, Toby tugs me down on the bench and wraps me up into his warm body.
“Talk to me, baby. Tell me what’s going on in your head.”
And so I do. I dive as deep into my happy childhood memories as I can. I talk about Joe, and Jonas, until my mouth is dry, my throat is sore, and my heart hurts so much that I’m sure someone has pushed their hand straight into my chest and ripped it clean out.
Toby is silent, soaking up my stories of happier times. He’s the pillar of support I needed in order to fully dive into this. And although I know my stories must be hurting him, he doesn’t react in any way but to encourage me, to hold me up, and stop me from completely crumbling at his feet. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain to him just how grateful I am for that.
Aside from the obvious, he’s always been like this. He’s always known exactly what I’ve needed and given me this solace, despite his own pain, to allow me to grieve. It’s how I know that he really is this sweet, caring guy. Time and time again, he’s pushed his own demons and nightmares aside to just help me deal with my own.
By the time my memories begin to dry up and my guilt sets in from not remembering any more, I’m shivering from the cold.
“Come on, baby. I’ll take you home.”
I don’t say a word as he pulls me to my feet. I can’t. I’m numb and lost in my childhood memories, desperately trying to search the depths of my mind for those I’ve forgotten.
The second we’re in the car, Toby turns the heat to its highest setting and in only minutes, hot air is filling the space around me, although it does little to warm my heart. That feels like it’s been wrapped in a layer of ice that’s never going to thaw.
I barely register the direction we’re heading in until the car slows to a stop on a very familiar street.
“W-what are we…“ My words trail off as Toby kills the engine and turns to look at me.
Reaching out, he takes my hand in his and squeezes as his eyes search mine.
“This is fucking killing me, Jodie. I need you to know that this is literally the last fucking thing I want to do right now, but equally, I know it’s right.
“Everything I said to you this weekend is true. I fucking love you, Demon.”
I thought I’d run out of tears over the past few hours, but just those few words from him and they spill over once more.